Okay, Ohhgodd got me to thinking about family relationships. To put it in a nutshell, I have not spoken to my in-laws in nearly 5 years. Yes, it's that large elephant in the room that my husband and I simply do not speak about. We live far away, though, so it's really not a problem. I know that I've been holding on to anger for so many years. I think it affects me physically, but I'm not quite sure. I simply try to push it out of my mind.

I know that I have to forgive. I know that I will one day be the Mother-in-law and I don't want my children to shut me out of their lives (but for your info, my kids don't particularly like these folks, either, because they've seen how they treated me). The funny thing is, they NEVER do it around my husband, and I let him know that they never will. They're GOOD!

I guess my dilemma is knowing that If I don't forgive, I won't be forgiven, but I TELL myself I have FORGIVEN, but I simply don't want to be bothered with them stirring up anything else, so I just want to keep my distance. Also, it's been so long since we've spoken, I figure, why bother? If I make the first move, they may get it in their heads to come for a visit, and that's the LAST thing I want.

Okay, there. Let me have it (but be gentle, please)

I don't really have any advice based on experience, but I agree that our children are watching us for cues on how to behave and it is important to show them that family is important, even when imperfect. Don't know the situation that led you to stop speaking (did you have a good relationship prior?), but if you want to forgive them, I would try and recall the things they have done well, (instead of focusing on what was done poorly). I would also ask myself if I were being overly sensitive, or defensive. If they live far away, I, personally, could find it easier to forgive, than if they were around the corner and continuing their behavior. Despite your differences with your in laws, I hope your husband has some level of communication with his parents. My husband's family drives me nuts sometimes, but I would never want him to be alienated from his family - that seems a very sad way to go through life.

As I mentioned before, I am adamant about him staying in touch with them. I have sons of my own, and I would never want them to cut me off. I try to rationalize it in my mind by saying it's better for them to be able to visit with just him without me than not at all.
To give a little more info, I basically was a door mat and let them get away with any and everything for YEARS. I never said anything to my husband because I didn't want to seem I was disrespectful of his parents. When I finally told my MIL how I felt about how she was treating me, she basically blew up and called me , well, all sorts of things.
I can't change how things went on the front end, but here on the back end, I just don't bother. They're getting older, though, and so am I.

Anger only hurts the one who is angry, never the other person.

I was angry at my ex for a few months after he left me, not because he left me, but how he did it and when he did it. I finally forgave him. I didn't tell him I forgave him, in fact I haven't spoken to him. I don't feel like communication is needed to forgive someone. I feel better though now.. I am finally HAPPY! IF I were to run into him at the store, I would smile and say hello, nothing more.

First forgive yourself for letting them treat you so badly for so long.. that's probably where your anger is mostly coming from. Then forgive them. If you feel like you should communicate... tell your hubby next time he calls them "bluecharm says hello"

I wish you luck!

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Blue charm....I do relate so much to the way you feel! There is an elephant in my house also. (my in-laws). I love my husband dearly, but he has never stood up for me/our daughters (now grown) throughout the years concerning his parents rude remarks. I am finally done with them. I will not be "visiting" with them this Christmas. I have gone to their home for 37 Christmas dinners and suffered though them. I make them uncomfortable, they make me uncomfortable. It is what it is. As to forgiving them, I looked on the interrnet and found that if you bless someone it is hard to be mad at them. The artlcle said you may need to say the blessing 500 times/day if needed. I practice this as needed, but I still do not want to be in their presence.

I too have had family struggles and it isn't easy. My sister and I are in the mending process. What is helping me as she still acts her old way is that I have to accept she or any other relative will not change and the decision is do you want to have any sort of relationship.
I have 3 daughters and feel it is real important to show them how to resolve issues because I cringe that they act like us in the future.
So I do beleive in setting an example and believe me I know how difficult it really is. Life is short and I don't want to look back and have deep regrets. There has been a lot of pain she has caused me but I have deciced to be the bigger better person and let go. It feels good let me tell you. Good Luck!

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I can so relate. I do not get along with my in-laws. The happiest day in my life was when my DH realized what they were doing. If he had not it probably would have been the end of our marriage. I have goten so I can speak them when I have to usually once a year. The one thing I learned is you have to take control back from them. Once they say the first rude thing, leave. Do not allow it to even start. Once they reealize you are not a push over, things will get better. If you have to, record your in-laws and then show your DH who they really are.


Some one on my coupons reccomended this site years ago and it has ben a real sanity saver.
Mother-In-Law Stories and Mother-In-Law Jokes

Its my therapy.

My In-Laws are due to arrive here in a few hours, and I've been shrecked up about it for weeks. I feel your pain, sister. They aren't who I would have picked, but they came as a package deal. As long as I'm honest with my DH about my feelings, and I treat his parents with the same civility that I would expect anyone to treat my own family with, I let them act any way they choose. I will never have the relationship I would like with my inlaws, but my relationship with my DH is the most important thing in the world to me....so, I play nice...within limits.

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I cant believe the amount of people who do not get along with in laws..
I love mine to death!!

I agree.
I always got along with mine. They are both gone now and I really miss them.


Just a thought -
These are the people who raised the son that you fell in love with and married.

They must have done something right.

Shirley

This is from personal experience. In the last month I have started talking with my family again. I hadn't talked to my mom & dad for 1 1/2 years, Sister 1 in 6 years and Sister 2 in 1 1/2 years. I was holding SO much anger inside myself I was literally making myself sick. I made the choice to reconnect with each of them and I wouldn't change it for the world! I cannot tell you how much better I feel, mentally and physically. It just takes so much out of you to hold grudges or even just holding the anger inside. We have talked about what our problems were I have apoligized and so have they. We are starting all over fresh again. This will be the first holiday will all my family in 6 or 7 years. Even though my husband (soon to be ex) won't be there they will make it easier having them there for me.

Laura

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If you love your in-laws they must be treating you the right way. (kind, supportive, honest,, etc.)

I completely agree, that's how I deal with mine as well.

.

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~~~MsMiser

Okay first off to op I am sorry to hear for all your problems and in laws are and always will be in the picture... First off these are some of my takes on marriage and in laws.. When you married your wife or husband must always always come first no matter what. Of course then when have children, that becomes your first family always no matter what. Ok then for me personally I had the most loving mil on the world so kind so gentle so easy going. she passed suddenly on 6/30/98 I miss her terribly. Then we have my dad who is also the same kind, easy, sweet minds his own business. Ok then comes the trouble my mom who is not a bad person, but in the early stages always spoke her peace, she could not accept the ways of my new husband, while she truly loved him and knows he is a wonderful person. He also has his own business with his dad and family and did not live the traditional eating dinner at 5 p.m. He did not get dressed up , he has always had long hair, he is rebel.. Ok then we go to my fil another problem again when he is not the boss at work, he is a lovely person.. However I have learned to let my husband deal with his dad when it comes to the family business. He too would voice his views on how we should raise the kids, we are too easy going, my husband was raised very strict and was often hit as a kid, we never ever did or even dreamed of ever hitting our children. So now after all these years, they are all older and somewhat mellowed. I deal with my parents and he deals with his dad. However we both agreed long time ago no matter what to have respect for each others parents..MArriage in never easy, however its for me a 50/50 realtionship all the way, in order for a marriage to succeed you musy have a give and take. Also the bottom line is always have the love for each other.. Someday I too will be the mil and while I am very close to my dd;s I am also very close to my only son. Try like the others said and not harbour any hate feelings, they will eat at you and only make you more bitter.. Move on and try to have more positive thoughts.... Peace... Catherine

Also forgot to add as much as we love them. I could never ever live with my mom nor my fil.. Basically its not healthy for a marriage.. But hon do not let anymore time go bye, you should try just a bit harder and try to speak to your in laws if not for your dh then your health and peace of mind... Peace . Catherine

Whew..
I don't know what to say. I am probably the last person to give any kind of advice...lol

But I do know, that in dealing with my own In Law relationships, I have learned that both you and your husband come from different backgrounds. Different ways of being raised, and different types of home lives (usually).

It is an adjustment to see someone as "mom" and "dad" that aren't anything like your real mom and dad! I think it is more of a psyhological thing more than anything else. We are trying to enter into this world of a whole new family, and no matter how hard we try, it just doesn't "feel right". It isn't familiar (you know.. FAMILy FAMILiar.. similar for a reason!)

I also find that sometimes, like probably in my case (and I hate to admit). I have been the Goddess of my home raising five boys.. LOL I know that sounds silly, but hear me out. I have always been the one to cook, clean, take care of their needs and I know them like no one else.
Now, knowing that.. here comes a girl in their life. She is trying to take that place that I had filled in their life (don't read into that okay???). But SHE wants to now be the center of his universe and world..which is the way it should be.. BUT sometimes, the mother of the child gets in her mode of knowing what is best for her son.. as she has always done..and then the new DIL is standing there feeling like the new MIL thinks she is too inadequate to take care of these issues (whatever they are).

But in reality, the MIL is not even thinking the DIL is being inadequate, she is just always used to always having the answers.. and sometimes it is hard knowing that you aren't needed anymore.. so they try to show some worth still in their child's life.

What happens is, and it usually ONLY happens with women relationships (not usually DIL and FIL relationships) is because you are dealing with TWO WOMEN. A lot of women base their worth on how much they are worth to others. KWIM? How many of us were raised to always be subservient and to be the helpmate; to take care of the home, have the menus planned, go shopping, take the kids to the dr, make the dinner from that menu, do the dishes, wipe up the booboos AND have a part/full time job outside of the home. WHEW!
Some are just programed to have all of the answers when it comes to their family.

It's kind of like trying to have two women cooking in the kitchen.. something is bound to get burned..

Hope that makes sense.

I am learning a lot here too. Just wish I could apply it everytime the need arises. Dealing with In Law relationships is not just an adjustment for the new "addition" to the family.. but it is an adjustment for everyone involved. Especially the mothers of the children that have gotten married. Usually the mother of the daughter in law does not have any issues.. what is the saying?
You aren't losing a daughter, you are gaining a son.

For the parents of the men, however, they DO seem to lose their son. They don't come over as often, they are more consumed in the family of the wife, and that is only natural! A woman never reallly leaves home, even after she is married. A woman craves close relationships.. so they usually stay in close contact with their mother/sisters/friends.. etc.
When they want to go take the baby out, usually it is to their moms.. right? How many of us think..I think I'll go jump on over to the MIL's house and have some tea.

it is very rare that happens.. Because they don't have the history behind them that is required to have a close relationship such as a mother/daughter relationship. Now, this is not all.. I know there are some here who have expressed that they were very close.

I really do want to be that way, and I need to really just heed my own thoughts here. Since I know these things, I need to be aware.

AND DANGIT I need a new keyboard!!! Sorry for all of the typos!!!

This is a great idea. You are ready for this step.