I am really hurting right now. My brother is getting married to a woman with four children. There are two boys and two girls. Since they announced the engagement in December '07 me and my sister were hoping that I would get asked to be in the wedding party. My sister has been in wedding parties before and she said that it was ok if she wasn't in the wedding party for my brother. She was hoping that I would get asked because I have never been in a wedding party before. Just a couple of days ago I found that the woman's four children will be in the wedding and they will each have partnered with a niece or nephew from my brother's gf's side. I think it is really unfair to my side of the family that nobody is involved in the wedding party. I can understand the four children being in the wedding but I'm upset that two nieces and nephews of the woman are going to be in the wedding. I talked to my brother about this and he told me that his fiance and her family are very close and that they deserve more involvement in the wedding. Since they started planning the wedding my brother's fianee has excluded my family from a lot of things. She is having her sister-in-law make the cake and one of her aunts is going to be the wedding photographer. My family and relatives have offered to do things like making decorations, food etc and my brother and his fiance have told us no and that her family is going to be doing a lot of stuff. I'm really hurt with my brother. I feel it isn't right that nobody from my family will be in the wedding party. I realize that it is their wedding but it justs there is no respect for my family and our feelings. Please share any experiences or thoughts on this.

I have two brothers. I was in one's wedding and not the others and, between the two experience, I actually preferred NOT being in the wedding. You don't have to shell out bucks for an ugly dress and wear it all day, you're free to wear what you like, you have no responsibilities, etc. I'd relax, sit back, and just enjoy the day when it comes.

I'm sorry you were hurt, but it does always seem to be the case that the bride's family is more involved than the groom's. That's how it was for both my brothers. When it came to DH & me, all of our family was out of state, so there was equal "uninvolvement" in the planning. I did have both my BILs and one brother as groomsmen and my other brother walked me down the aisle (my father is deceased).

Hope you feel better soon.

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Reading is Fundamental.

I understand that you feel left out. But you need to let it go. Be glad that she has family members that are able to help them save a LOT of money by doing the Cake and photography.

All you can do is offer your help, if you make too big of a deal you may alienate your brother. Just go to the wedding and enjoy!

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Mary

I'm sorry this isn't working out the way that you would like and I'm sorry that your feelings have been hurt. I agree with the others though, that it's best to try to let it go.....weddings do tend to be mostly the work and the wishes of the bride. I don't really think you and your sister can decide who should be in the wedding.

Is the entire bridal party going to be made up of children with the neices and nephews? Maybe they are thinking to keep it a children's bridal party for some odd reason...and that's why an adult sister of the groom doesn't really "fit".

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

It's been my experience that the wedding is primarily driven by the bride (I know mine was). How would you felt if your SO told you that he/she wanted their siblings in the wedding party? Well, I can tell you: I wasn't happy about it when my H asked me if his sister could be a bride's maid.

In an ideal world, the bride's maids/groom's men are the best friends/one's that are the closest. Apparently, the bride does not feel close to any of you. I, personally, would try to let this go. In the grand scheme of things being in the wedding party is but a very, very small blip on the roadmap of life.

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"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

The bride children are two sons age 20 and 15 and her two daughters are 19 and 9. I know one niece is 17 and one nephew is 14. I'm not sure of the ages of other participants. I'm 23. I'm not that much older than the kids.

I wouldn't mind having siblings of my SO in a wedding. I just feel that wedding parties need to consist of people from both sides. I had another brother who died eight years ago. I'm sure if he was alive today he would be the best man.

My aunt owned a catering business for 15 years and she has many skills. She offered to do desserts and my brother basically blew her off. I just don't think it is fair that my relatives have offered help and been refused but my brother's gf's relatives can have involvement.

I know your feelings are hurt but I would also let it go and not say anything. You don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Let her plan her wedding how she wants, and don't put your brother in the middle. It was very nice that your family offered to help. Since she seems to have it covered I would sit back and enjoy the wedding. I liked my mil until I was planning my wedding. I planned it myself and even my parents who were paying for 1/2 (me the other 1/2) didn't say anything. My mil on the other hand who was paying for nothing kept telling my dh she didn't like this or that. My dh should not have told me what his mother was saying but he did. She even said if I didn't do it like she wanted he should postpone the wedding. What a witch. I didn't like her for years after the wedding. I also didn't change anything for her. LOL

Maybe, if you all feel this strongly, you should do one of two things: sit your brother down and explain how and why your family feels hurt and/or skip the wedding.

If your brother knows you all are hurt and still makes no effort to bring you all into the fold in any way, then I'd skip the wedding.

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Reading is Fundamental.

When you have your own wedding you can do just that. This is her wedding.

Again, her wedding.

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but I don't understand why you think you have any say in someone else's wedding. I don't see where the bride or groom has done anything to cause hurt feelings. Just because you were hoping to be a part of the party doesn't mean they are obligated to fulfill your dream.

Are you and the bride best friends? Are you even close? Are you paying for any part of the wedding? I guess I just don't understand why you think you even have a right to be upset with someone else's wedding plans.

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bite me and get a brain!

ok...I was nice w/ my first response, but honey--you're whining like a 3 y/o.
'it's not fair', 'I want it my way', etc.

I'm going out on a limb here, but I don't think you like the bride to be. And this is just an excuse to not like her MORE!

Suck it up, buttercup and move on.

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"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

I like the idea of checking with your brother to see what you might be able to do to be more involved. If he clearly states that they are all set (without you), then I would just go with the general consensus here, and let it go. Trust me - having been on both sides (being part of the wedding party, an d being merely a "guest"), I'd go for being a guest any day! Less expense, less 'following the rules,' less responsibility, more FUN! Enjoy it!

And remember that when your wedding comes along, it can be all yours to plan - you can (nicely) remind anyone who tries to interject their ideas on your day that you've been waiting for the day when you could do things YOUR way. And make sure you do!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Honestly for me I can understand your feelings, however to me when you get married its your day and sadly more attention and all the planning and basically everything is about the bride. However when I got married 24 years ago. I knew who were going to be in my bridal party as far as the girls. I had 4 brothers at the time, My brother Sonny since passed. Now since having so sisters I have one maid of honor my first cousin and then 2 best friends, Now with my dh it was a problem because he has 2 brothers and could not decide whom to ask to be the best man, however he decided to go with his older brother as the best man. Now bless my dh cause he knew how close I was with my Brother Sonny and he asked him and only him to be in the bridal party and not my other brothers nor his sister and nor any sister in laws.So for me the bottom line is while again I understand you feelings, but this is something you personally cannot control. I would leave it alone for the sakes of argument sake and not risk and family problems... Peace and try to enjoy the day for your brother and the whole family... Peace.. Catherine

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in memory of my beloved beautiful brother Sonny who is now an angel in heaven

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but I think your making too much of it. You brother told you that his fiancee' was close to her family, so to me it sounds like she is closer to her family then he is to his, He wants her to be happy. I would say just let it go do not say anything or you may cause a problem between yourself and you soon to be sil. And that is only gonna distance you from your brother. Be happy for them enjoy the wedding.

I agree with cjs216 and marilynk. It's not your wedding and just because you've never been in a wedding is no reason to think this is your big chance. Any way, it is the brides choice to choose the bridesmaids. If she chose the groomsmen too, and your brother is OK with that, then that's fine and dandy. Also, the bride ususally makes arrangements for the other things. Don't whine and don't put your brother on the spot. And I certainly wouldn't skip the wedding just because I didn't get my way. You'll only make things worse.

My suggestion that she skip the wedding was meant so as to spare the bride and groom from having OP be a damper on their day. If you can't be happy for them, just stay away and let them enjoy it without someone pouting because they didn't get to where the hideous dress.

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Reading is Fundamental.

Oh, OK...that makes sense. Obviously, I took it wrong. I'm sorry.
Now that I know what you meant, I do agree.

Actually, knowing you, I wondered about your comment.

I have a feeling that brides often don't have the in-laws in the wedding party. When I married almost 27 years ago, I didn't have anyone from my dhs family as bridesmaids. Mostly because I really didn't know them that well at that time. If I could go back and do it all over again...I would have all three of my sister in laws standing right there beside me. I consider all three of them my best friends. But, like I said....back then I didn't know them. I had spend very little time with any of them and I wasn't comfortable having them in the wedding party. Now...many, many years later and much wiser....I realize how lucky I am to have such great sister-in-laws. To this day....they have never mentioned the fact that they were not in our wedding. I ended up being a part of two of their weddings, but it was years after our wedding and by then we had become very good friends. I guess I feel that its important that you have people that know you well, and are thrilled to see you happy be a part of your wedding, and the fact that you will be sister-in-laws doesn't mean that you will be *friends*, although I would hope that would be the final outcome...

Oh, heck, no problem. When I went back and read my own post, I can completely see how it could be read either way. You know how when you're writing it, *you* know what you mean so you don't see the other meaning until someone else points it out!

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Reading is Fundamental.

I think that is normally how wedding parties are, in fact, chosen: at least a "token" participant is included from the "other side".

I think it's awful that your brother is willing to have your family so excluded from the wedding party/wedding preparations.

Obviously, the bride does usually have a larger say in planning the wedding, but a smart bride would honor her husband-to-be by including his family.

I can certainly understand the frustration of the OP. It seems the bride to be is calling all the shots including the groom's attendants. However, it is up to the groom to agree or not agree.
The only thing I can hope for is that the groom isn't setting himself up with a controlling wife.

I can't imagine, as the bride, having someone that I don't know well in my bridal party. I have seen a female (sister) as the best "man" for the groom. It was kind of cute.

I guess I don't see what the fuss is about. I hope it turns out well in the end.

I do understand that it is their wedding but still I feel she needs to respect his blood family too. I have been to a few weddings in which the grooms' relatives were included in some way. My brother is planning to get married in a traditional Catholic wedding mass. Usually two readings are done. The readers will be the bride's sister and her uncle. Two of her cousins are taking up the communion gifts. Nobody from my family is participating in the mass.

why are you mad at her?
Why aren't you upset with your brother? It should be HIS responsibility and duty to include some of his family if he wants.

I still say, you don't like her and this is a just an excuse.

I suggest you grow up and be an adult.

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"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

It doesn't matter what you feel. This is their wedding. If your brother is happy with the arrangements that's all that matters.

I'm still not sure why you think you have the right to feel slighted about not being invited to be in someone else's wedding. You and your sister decided that you should be in this wedding. The bride and groom obviously had other plans.

I'm also curious about something. The bride's oldest children are 20 and 19. It occurs to me that the bride and groom are quite a bit older than you. Are you even close to your brother?

This is obviously a non-traditional wedding party. The bride wants to include her children (kudos to her as some brides look upon their kids as a distraction from themselves) and her kids need appropriate escorts. More than likely, being kids, they'd prefer escorts they're comfortable with. That's where the cousins come in.

Honestly? Your posts reek of self-entitlement. I really don't understand your point of view on this issue as the whole thing has nothing to do with you.

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bite me and get a brain!

It's not a question of fairness. There isn't a 'right' and 'wrong' way for her to plan her wedding. It's her wedding and she gets to choose how she wants it to be. When you get married, you can handle your wedding any way you choose.

I'm confused as to why you're blaming the bride, anyway. She doesn't owe you anything. Actually, the groom doesn't owe you a spot either but blaming her for not involving you while not blaming your brother doesn't make much sense. It's his wedding too and he must not care whether you're in it or not.

A wedding is a celebration and I wouldn't mar the couple's big day with petty grievances. This kind of thing won't endear you to your future sister in law and I think it would be a mistake to get off on the wrong foot with her. I think you'd be wise to let it go and just enjoy the wedding without the pressure of any responsibilities.

I think you need to be remembered as the one who gave the best gift.

Seriously.

I understand your disappointment and why it seems like things aren't 'even'. And she may be bridezilla and only seeing things from her side... I want *this* and *this* and *this*... and the only things occurring to her are the things that are special to her. She's not thinking of him and what might be special to him and insisting that it be *their* wedding. Either she is perfectly comfortable with excluding you or she is so self-absorbed that she just hasn't thought of it... neither of which make her look all that mature.

However... it's her right, and if it means something to your brother he should say something. My guess is that it simply *doesn't* mean beans to him. More often than not grooms don't have a lot of opinions about weddings and they spend a lot of time saying, "Sure, hon, whatever, I really don't care..."

I don't think it will be well-received for you to say anything about it. I think you need to revamp your vision for your place that day and decide that the way you are going to make your mark is not by being *given* a place of honor, but by being the one that honors their commitment to each other by acting delighted and - like I said above - giving them a gift they don't expect and that is extremely memorable. Outshine everyone else in this department and you'll make a big dent in the chasm that seems to exist between you and the bride.

This isn't to say that you are at fault. It sounds like she has tunnel vision and can only see *her* stuff. But regardless of her flaws, if the thing you want the most is to have a long-term, solid relationship with your brother and the family he's about to acquire, you may just have to suck it up, be the bigger person, and surprise them all with your graciousness.

I agree 100%. There's a lot of anger at the bride, but the brother is innocent? You need to think about who's really at fault here, OP. Either your brother agrees with the bride or he doesn't care enough to make a stand for your family.

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Reading is Fundamental.

I think this is another one of those topics where there's nothing anyone can say that will change the opinion of the OP....but there's certainly a lot of good ideas here that she should at least try to consider.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

A few things come to me about this scenario:

*Since the 'bride' has 4 children, has she been married before? Maybe she was 'ram-rodded' the first go-round and vows 'this time it's her way or the highway?' Either way, she has a lot more 'life experience' now and knows what she wants. Period. Her wedding, her day, her way. If your brother is o.k. with it--you guys should butt out. If he isn't o.k. with it, still butt out. He's obviously a big boy and he can either speak up for himself or live with it I suppose. He will be the one that has to live with her in the end. Maybe she's wonderful, maybe she's the evil one, but you guys are setting the stage for a very rocky relationship with your soon to be sister-in-law, etc. Don't go there. It will end badly I promise.

*It is possible that she was burned majorly by her kids' father's family? This would explain a lot.

*If your family isn't contributing monetarily to the wedding, maybe she feels you don't want to truly be a part of the wedding? The old, put your money where your mouth is scenario? (I'm another person that the inlaws didn't contribute one dollar to our wedding--THEIR SON'S wedding--yet they thought they could contribute their opinions, control the guest list, insist that DH's sister's spoiled child be our flower girl and purchase her a dress before we even decided on her or the dress, get all of our wedding photos, etc.). I'm of the belief that, hey, in this day and age, both sets of parents should be contributing or the one that isn't needs to back off and out of it. I mean, it's their SON'S wedding just like it someone's DAUGHTER'S wedding. I am of the belief that you can't sit back and expect the bride's family to pay for all and still dictate. Offer to help financially in some way. Weddings are very expensive and for most everyone entering marriage, they are thinking this is a one time shot at getting it 'right' and 'their way' (maybe the bride feels this is her very 'last shot'). You can't tell others how to spend their money or who to have participate in their party. I'm NOT saying this is your family or how they are behaving at all, but maybe the bride has 'been there done that' ya know in the past? A lot of people still believe very traditionally about this--generally the bride's family covers the wedding and she choses all the attendants, etc., so maybe that is where she is coming from? I'd say if your brother is happy with it, let it be. It's a hill to die on. You don't get a vote. I promise, your big day will come and you will feel the same way I'm sure. You will not appreciate any and everyone inserting themselves.

*Could it be that the reason the bride is relying on HER side of the family for catering, etc., is because she knows 100% that these people will come through for her? It's a crap shoot with everyone else as she doesn't really know them at all or well. Again, nothing against your side of the family, but maybe that's how she sees it. Peace of mind maybe?

*Maybe they only have a large enough budget to include her children in the wedding party and then they obviously need escorts? Who knows. Could it be that these children requested their cousins as escorts rather than people they don't know very well? Kids are like that, especially shy ones. Maybe it was, "Alright, I'll do it, but only if xyz walks with me"?

Now, I do understand that you are relatively the same age as the other parties in the wedding, and I can feel for you that your feelings have been hurt. I do understand that and I am sorry. Right off I can see that it's easy to feel slighted like that. But honestly, I'd say unless you are good friends with the bride or the children of the bride then I don't think this is meant to be a slap in the face to you or your family. I apologize if I sound harsh in any of my words, I'm not trying to be like that at all (it kinda lights my fire though as I have dealt with the inlaws in a similar situation).

Here is what I would do if you guys hope to have any sort of relationship with your soon to be SIL in the future (And ultimately this will include your brother, because if you end up alienating your SIL, you aren't gonna be seeing much of the brother either likely or any future children entering the picture. He'll rightfully choose his new wife.): Get over this quickly and quietly. Let it go. Don't talk to your brother about it, it's going to get back to the wife and she'll remember it forever. No one deserves this sort of black cloud hanging over their big day. It WILL affect all future dealings with them, I promise. Get together with your family and throw them a very nice wedding shower, even if it's just for your side of the family (throw the major one if no one else is doing it--what I'm saying is don't overstep boundaries if someone else is already planning it). If that won't work, do a new husband shower (tools, bar-b-que, etc.) and do something special for the bride (a massage, salon trip, gift card, etc., don't leave her out is all). Offer to do something special for the honeymoon. This could be various things, money, a special gift basket to ride alongside them in the 'getaway car', help take care of their children (or check on them/do something fun with them since they are older), etc. Be genuinely happy for them and let them know it. You can always ask her if there is anything at all you guys can do to make her special day more special. Just be prepared to let it go (w/out taking it personally) if she declines. HTH.

[quote=nancymh;3098899]This is obviously a non-traditional wedding party. The bride wants to include her children (kudos to her as some brides look upon their kids as a distraction from themselves) and her kids need appropriate escorts. More than likely, being kids, they'd prefer escorts they're comfortable with. That's where the cousins come in.QUOTE]

Great point!

This is an excellent point. I'm rethinking my advice to talk to your brother about any of this. It would likely backfire just like sadari anticipates.

Just remember that you have a great response ready for everyone who wants to insert themselves when it's *your* turn to plan a (your) wedding - "Thank you, but I'm handling all of the planning. I'm sure you understand!"

Good luck, OP! Your sister-in-law-to-be has likely hurt more feelings than yours on this one, but let it go. Better for the bride to do it her way, than for you to be known as the one who stepped on the bride's foot...

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Sounds to me like she is having no adults in the wedding party other than her own children.
That seems appropriate for a 2nd wedding.
I'm sorry they hurt your feelings by not including you, but if you aren't even close enough to her (or your brother) to ask why you weren't chosen for a bridesmaid, that there may be your reason.
I'm sure when your friends start getting married, you will have opportunities to help them on their days.

Well late last night I got a call from my mother. Last year my brother was in a relationship with another woman at the same time. Around this time last year the other woman told my brother she was pregnant my brother denied the paternity. The woman gave birth to a baby boy in July and a paternity test was done a couple of weeks ago. My brother is the father of the baby. Now I find it really weird that shortly after the other woman announced her pregnancy my brother became engaged.

I would feel bad too it's your brother for goddness sake! I guess my thing would to have been friends with her all along or at least gotten along. There is no explanation other than she has been planning a wedding in her head for a while like the rest of us girls and she is inconsiderate to your side of the family or maybe she is just clueless.

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Faith + Love = Happy

WTF?

You're sounding more and more absurd. What does the above post have to do with anything?

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"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

My brother is 37 and we are close despite the age difference.
The bride's oldest two children are from the same father. She was married to him for a few years. The other two children have different fathers and she wasn't married to neither one.
My family has offered to pay for things and they have been refused. If you read my previous post I think now the wedding may be canceled.

I just find it weird that in November 2007. The other woman tells my brother about her pregnancy and then December my brother says he is engaged.

Your brother impregnated some other chick last year, and that relates to you not being in the wedding party how?

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We can't stop here this is bat country.....

I'm thinking right now that maybe my brother's fiance knew about the other woman being pregnant but didn't think he would turn out to the father. Maybe she excluded my family to get back at him.

You're 23 y/o?

I think you are behaving and thinking very immaturely. You don't want to place the blame where it probably truly lies--with your brother!

Let's be honest, you didn't like his fiance prior to the wedding planning, and this just gives you an excuse to dislike her more. Your brother doesn't sound to be the most upstanding of character, but you don't want to acknowledge that he's got an enormous amount of culpability in this little fiasco.

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"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

I did like his fiance. But when she started planning the wedding she was only focusing on her family. I do blame my brother for not standing up for us.

I think your brother needs to take his balls out of his fiances purse and be a man. Or if you are acting like this, could it be that he does not want you in the wedding....

Whatever kind of wedding another person has is none of your business, brother or not. You offered, were rejected and I bet you made sure this lady knew about the other pregnancy. Now you are saying the wedding may be off? Little wonder if you spout off this womans business on the internet, I just know you told her to her face how you feel.My advice to this lady is "run Forrest run.

She doesn't know about my feelings about the wedding.

I didn't know about the other woman until last night. I haven't seen my brother's fiance in two weeks she lives a few hours away and only comes around on the weekends.

OK, I've changed my mind on this topic (women's perogative and all )..I think y'all ought to call Jerry Springer or Maury and sign up for a show.....

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I find it really weird that a poster makes a VERY FIRST POST and now adds Jerry Springer details that have NOTHING to do with the original problem. Another day, another user name, same old My Coupons.

i personally feel there is way more to this story then we know, it seems like the more you the op keeps posting we are getting more information as the whole story is unfolding before our eyes. I had the feeling it was more then the op being upset about not be asked to be in the bridal party.. Is there not some way you can work these issues out with your family. Everyone on both sides should at least give it a chance. If not and it happens all the time sometimes family cannot get along, which sometimes is truly sad.However remember its her day and her wedding and I think you should vent your issues with your brother before things really explode... Hope things will work out... Peace.. Catherine

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in memory of my beloved beautiful brother Sonny who is now an angel in heaven

The wedding may be canceled because of the baby with the other woman??
I'm not a Catholic and I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes so please forgive me if I do.
I find it very interesting considering the past marital history of the woman that your brother is engaged to that she is having a Catholic wedding mass.

You didn't know about the other woman until last night, and yet you earlier typed you are close to your brother.

Keep typing chapter by chapter. Have you tried to sell book or movie rights yet? Because this is the kind of stuff fiction is all about.

A nice bit of entertainment for mc for a while is what we have here.

dl

Lets see. My advice would be to stay the heck out of it. You are 23 and believe me, I understand that you are young and (lets say) inexperience in the ways of the world. IF your brother does marry woman number 2, you are going to be related to her for the rest of your life, or however long the marriage lasts. If you want a relationship with your brother, then close your mouth, smile and be helpful when asked.

I know that it isnt the advice you wanted to hear, but honestly it is probably the only way you will maintain a relationship with your brother. If you get loud enough, or talk badly enough about his bride to be, he will cut you out.

Oh.. and on a side note...... Congratulations your an Aunt!!!

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Sell crazy some place else, we are all stocked up here.

closed thread..post limit reached

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