Okay,

Let me preface this by saying that I really like my MIL, and everything was good with her until shortly after our son died in August of 2007. Our son was her favorite grandchild up until he died, but she had treated all them equally.

Ever since Fletcher died though.. she's gone out of her way to be obvious about her favortism towards my niece, and it's hurting my daughter (and me). My MIL even told me that my niece is her favorite. She's super affectionate with Ariel (niece), but won't let Abby (daughter) give her hugs or kisses. Abby's chubby just like I was, and Ariel is skinny.. so my MIL is constantly scrutinizing and making comments about my daughters diet and size. She made my daughters dress for an upcoming cruise, and all the while she was making comments about how she hopes she's making it big enough... right in front of my daughter. And I'm not talking innocent comments either.. just degrading. My MIL, niece, and BIL were all rude and mean towards Abby over Thanksgiving. And now we're scheduled to go on a family cruise the week of 12/13 and I'm dreading it. A whole week of choking on their comments and looks.
I've tried talking to dh.. he just says that his mom is like that because her mom did the same things. To me, that's not an excuse and it doesn't make it even close to understandable. I know if it were my family doing these things.. my dh would not hesitate to cut off all communication until they got their act together. I'm not stupid. I realize that people will have their favorites. And I'm even willing to admit that I'm sensitive about my daughters mental and emotional health. It's been a long hard road for her, and for my dh and I ever since we lost Fletcher. My feeling is that she's only 8, and she's already seen more than most other 3rd graders. She deserves to feel like she's unconditionally loved by her family. ALL of them..

Any suggestions?

I'm so sorry this is happening to your daughter. Does the mother of your niece realize it is happening?

That is so sad and hurtful. I'm sorry for your daughter and you. This may sound kinda "out there", but is there any chance that your MIL is either conciously or subconciously mad at you for some reason - especially in light of your young son's passing - and taking it out on your daughter? Have you sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk with her on this subject? Gosh, it just doesn't seem like a grandmother would hurt a grandchild like this...that's just not want grandmas do.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Your theory was exactly my first thought. I think there's a chance she's in so much pain, she's trying to put some distance there. It is true, though, that not all grandmothers are nice -- my own mother was really nasty to my son for a long time and my MIL was downright mean to my two nieces. Still, since this is new since your son's passing, I can't help but think there's a connection.

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Reading is Fundamental.

Would it be possible for you to take the "airhead" route, and have a nice spontaneous-seeming chat with your MIL that sends the message you want?

You could mention how much this trip means to your daughter - and that you know that the holidays are so tough for Abby right now, and really appreciates (as if it is happening) the unconditional love and support from her grandmother. I would act as if that's what I've been seeing all along, and be almost thankful for it. Hopefully this might be the reality check she needs - she might realize at this point that she could be doing so much more to be sensitive.

If you are uncomfortable with a plan to talk to her, or see no good that can come out of it, then I think I'd schedule as much mom/daughter time on the cruise as possible. You've all been through way too much to have to deal with insensitive relatives right now. And I know how much it hurts you to see your daughter hurt, as well.

Good luck to you, fletchersmom. I feel for you, and I really hope you find ways to make this trip an enjoyable time!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Oh my gosh, this really makes me angry. I am afraid I have nothing to offer in the way of advice but your family doesn't need this crap now. Shame shame and double shame on your mother in law. She sounds selfish to the nth degree. She isn't the only one hurting and she should not be thinking about herself. Maybe this is who she is and it took this tragedy to bring it out, instead of rising to the occasion and being a proper matriarchal figure she is only thinking about herself.

The only thing I can offer is to let your daughter know it is ok to distance herself from her grandmother. None of us should feel like we have to be around someone who is unkind. Empower her to remove herself from any situation which makes her uncomfortable or hurts her feelings. And if she is comfortable doing it empower her by telling her it is ok to speak up and tell her grandmother how she is making her feel, even if it is in front of others. "Grandma, it makes me uncomfortable when you make comments about my body. Please do not do that anymore." Women too often feel we have to be polite when someone else is rude or mean to our face. Teach Abby she has a right to stand up for herself and show her the proper way to do it. By speaking her mind in a calm, nonthreatening way. Might be too much for an eight year old but maybe you can work on it.

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OK i'll come off as mean and hateful for this but here goes....What the heck are you thinking?Would you stand by and let someone slap your child?No probably not,but you are letting dear old MIL be mean and hurtful to her.Yes I know she is having a hard time but your child is having a harder time.She's a child that has lost a brother and needs the love of her grandparents and her mother,but all she's getting is being treated like trash and mom is letting it happen.Tell the whole crew to H@#@ with a family cruise if this is how they treat family.Have some back bone.Show Abby she has someone that will stand up for her and love her unconditionally.

I have to agree itzme on this one. You have to protect your daughter on this. She is only a child. There is no excuse for you mil's behavior, no matter how much she's hurting over the loss of Fletcher. After all, she's not the only one who lost him.
If you feel you have to go on this cruise, keep your daughter away from everyone else. She doesn't need this garbage, and neither do you.
Judy

Are you *really* thinking you might have come off as 'mean and hateful?'

To me OP's problem sounds a lot more complex than something Wonder Woman could fix by swooping in and getting all the bad guys.

And I'm not sure the above quoted plan improves relationships with anyone. If I understand correctly, the OP's objective is to help MIL realize what she's doing wrong and fix it. If she handles it itzme91's way, how is OP expected to explain to her daughter that OP and daughter are no longer taking the cruise? DD is most likely very much looking forward to it.

Obviously there are a lot of family being unkind, however unintentionally to OP's daughter. I imagine the only way to improve it is to talk individually with each offender. However, the biggest offender is clearly MIL. I still think you get more flies with honey - particularly if it's an in-law issue. But that's just me.

Fletchermom, you're a great mom. Whatever you do, I know you're going to handle this fine.

D

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

How did MIL treat Abby before Fletcher passed away??

I know you would like to fix things with MIL, but first and foremost you need to be your child's advocate against MIL, Niece and BIL.

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Thanks for all the advice. Dh and I both have tried to talk to MIL about this, and she refuses to admit that she treats them differently. I think that dh just doesn't want to lose his family right now, or he would have put his foot down.

I've thought about the possibility of her being mad at me.
I was the one who sent Fletcher to his room the day he died.. it's very possible that she holds that against me. Heck, I hold it against myself on bad days.

I think that the best way to go at this point is to spend as little time as possible with them on the cruise. I think I'll call our agent tomorrow and see if she can change it to where we don't eat dinner with them, and then we can just do our own thing in port instead of tagging along with them.

In the moment, I'd love to tell MIL where to go. The thing is, dh and I were saved a little over a year ago, and we're trying really hard to do things by the Book and be better examples for Abby. I'm always telling her to be a peacemaker, and how can I throw down with the IL's and turn around and tell her she needs to get along with others? I think that this is just going to have to be MIL's problem, and I'll have to shelter Abby from it as much as possible and let her know on a daily basis that she's a beautiful wonderful person.

Yes I probably did sound mean and hateful(which I usually am) but if we don't stand up for our kids who is going to?How are our kids going to have the self confidence to do it for themselves?In years to come will this child remember a mother that stuck up for her or a grandmother that destroyed her self confidence? Going through life which is going to help more, a mom cheering you on or an angry sad grandmother degrading you?

Personally I would put some distance between you and the MIL. My MIL favors my nieces and SIL and we did speak up and it tore us even further apart. After 4 years we are just getting back to the strange normal we had, but we don't make an effort anymore and it's much better. We are a family first and if they want to be involved that is their choice.

You can't change anyone else, you can only change how you view it and deal with it. Make the time with you daughter special and not about competing with a cousin or worrying if grandma is pleased with her.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Answers to a few questions:

Before Fletch died MIL treated them all equally. It was only after he died that she told me he had been her favorite, and that now Ariel is.

BIL and SIL are divorced. So, she's not in the picture anymore.

Fletchersmom in no way am I saying you are a bad mom.I cannot imagine what this year has been for you and your family.It just breaks my heart that Abby is getting the bad end of all of it.You're a better person than I'll ever be because I would no way be able to share my child with people that treat her like this.I truly hope you all can come to some kind of understanding and Abby has a good time.I hope you MIL realizes how stupid and selfish she is being and that by pushing you and Abby away she is also pushing memories of Fletcher away.Pain and hurt can make people do crazy things I hope the MIL wakes ups!

Whoa!!! That is disgusting, I cannot imagine a grandmother saying she has a favorite grandchild. This woman has some serious issues.

Being a Christian does not mean that you allow people to be unkind and walk all over you. You can handle a situation in a peaceful way, by talking calmly and respecting the other person. But you have every right, as does Abby, to stand up for yourself.

Changing seating and all that is fine, if that is what you want to do. But the reason will have to be addressed. If MIL asks why you can explain that "DH and I have spoken to you about our perception of how you treat our daughter. Until the situation can be resolved I think it is best if we keep to these new arrangements. I am sorry if this hurts you but I have Abby's best interest at heart, as I should." Or better yet, DH should say this.

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Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

Fletchersmom,
I just left positive (it was clicked on the positive button I promise!) Rep for you telling you I was excited to see your salvation post in this thread.
I clicked add to reputation sending what I thought to be POSITIVE Rep and a little red dot appeared in the pop up message. UGH! Did that mean the system is messed up????

I know it was positive I was giving you but if you check your feedback and see anything different, Please let me know and I'll ask ADMIN to make it right, the way it was supposed to be.

Sorry for the extra trouble, I just want to make sure it's right.
X

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Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I am so sorry to hear that your Mil is treating your dd this way. She should be ashamed of herself.

I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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Fletchers mom
You are NOT responsible for anything other than sending your son to his room a common things that caring mommies do every day of their lives.
God was looking for an angel and he took him to heaven to be with him, the same way he would have had he been standing right in front of you.
Your mother in law is wrong and I would tell her that her behavior is hurtful to your entire family and you know that is not her intentions but you will be making yourselves scarce on the trip if her behavior to your daughter does not improve.

Fletchersmom, is there anything you can say to your daughter that acknowledges what's happening with grandma, and assigns a reason to it? For instance, next time grandma does a fitting and says the dress isn't right because of her size, when grandma leaves, if it seems she was hurt by the comment, would it be out of line for you to say to Abby, "I think g-ma is having a rough time these days and seems to be having a hard time being nice to other people. I think we need to remember to mention her in our prayers tonight, don't you?"

As disgusting as her behavior is, if you can find it in your heart to pity her rather than despise her, I think you'll be ahead of the game. I don't think you lose 'self-confidence points' simply by living in the line of fire if you verbalize that you know it's happening and that you are tolerating it because you are trying to be the bigger person and are aware that grandma is dealing with her hurt in a hurtful way. It's the *acknowledging* that you are doing it because of your faith that takes away the power of her words to harm your daughter.

I think your daughter needs to know that nobody else sees things the way grandma does, and that grandma's weird ways are stemming from her grief. Your daughter needs to know that *she* isn't the problem - grandma's emotions are.

To the op I am truly saddened to read this post. It truly breaks my heart. To have your Mil talk bad about her own grandchild , her flesh and blood and never the less a child is truly sad. What is the difference if Abby is chubby and Ariel is skinny, people come in all different shapes and sizes. Its a total shame that children especially are judged soley on their outward appearance. I know for a fact with working with children , even at 5 and 6 years old, they know the difference in another child. They also can be quite cruel and mean. Your sweet dd Abby has enough issues to deal with, without any further problems. Again I sincerely hope things work out. I also would suggest, that you take some time and sit down with your Mil and truly express your feelings. I sincerely pray and offer peace for a better outcome.. Catherine

If you feel you must go on the cruise, spend as little time as possible with the in-laws who are less than gracious and supportive. If they ask why, tell them honestly (away from Abby of course). Either they will realize what they are doing to your daughter and their relationship with she and your family, or they will continue to deny their actions--if they continue to deny, you do not need them in your lives right now. I agree, it is much more important to protect your daughter than to try and protect a non-supportive relationship. Good luck!

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"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

Go buy Abbey a beautiful, flattering dress that she will feel wonderful in!

Heck, buy her 10.

I totally agree. I would absolutely protect my daughter -- especially from her own grandmother. What message are you sending to Abby when you allow your MIL to treat her so poorly? When your MIL says rude things to Abby, what do you say? Don't you speak right up and chastise your MIL?

Abby needs you to be her advocate. I would put my foot down today.

I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this on top of your terrible grief. Wish I could give you a hug.

Your MIL's behavior is inexcusable, regardless of her rationale or her pain. It is her job to put your daughter's needs, feelings and pain above her own, and turn herself inside out to provide a safe, loving, compassionate environment for her. Her comments are disgusting, and to read that she won't give Abby affection, though she lavishes it elsewhere, and that your BIL and niece are also participating in this behavior is really disturbing. Your husband needs to step it up and speak to his family immediately. Really doesn't matter WHY his mother or the others are doing it--if they need therapy, they can get it on their own time. The only thing that matter is protecting your daughter. You might also share with your d/h the idea that these insults are laying the groundwork for your daughter to develop anorexia or other eating disorders. They hurt and they echo with children for a long, long time.

I know you are carrying huge boulders on your back, and I hope it lessens soon. For what it is worth, please know I still talk to my kids and their friends about Fletcher's tragedy. You will never know how many people you have helped by sharing your son with us.

That's a nice thought but I really don't think this is a problem that can be solved by throwing money at it.

Has your mother in law decided that Abby is less deserving of a grandmothers love because she is chubby?
How sad.
I am probably in the wrong here but I tend to be the one that points out elephants in the room.
I think I would get granny alone and have her tell you without cleaning it up EXACTLY what it is that her problem is with you, Abby or her son?
If she can't articulate it then she needs to keep all further comments to herself. If not the next comment is when you need to leave her company. And do it everytime she opens her mouth to be negative.
I am sure your MIL is not perfect and that she would not like it if her shortcomings were pointed out to her at every opportunity. Maybe she needs to be reminded of this.

__________________

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Would your MIL be open to family counseling with a counselor or pastor? Maybe a third party could add some insight and guidance and keep it less personal between the family members.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

How awful!!
I would ask your husband to talk to his mother regarding her negative comments towards his child as soon as possible.

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I really feel for you....I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

When I was a little girl, I was not my Grandmother's "favorite" either. I remember being as young as six and feeling like I was not "enough" when compared to the other Grandchildren. She said things about my weight compared to the other kids....my hair....my eye color...etc. Some things would have been pretty harmless if I had been older, but when you are so young and don't understand why adults act out and say things based on other issue, as a child oyu just carry those burdens on your own. I never forgot a single hurtful thing that woman said to me and I grew up resenting her ... and in my teens, I started to resent my own parents for "making me" spend time with a woman who treated me poorly as a child.

Regardless of the kind of relationship you have or want to maintain with these people, you need to consider the impact that it is making on your daughter. I'm 37 years old and still remember what it felt like 30 years ago... your little girl should never be made to feel "less" because she doesn't meet one of your family members standards....regardless of what kind of pain that adult is in.

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I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

Take the cruise and have a wonderful time with your daughter!!!
Include your husband if he is willing to spend little or no time with his mother.
Get a mother/daughter spa treatment, eat lots of ice cream together, take silly pictures of each other, take a late night or early morning walk on the deck.....just the 2 or 3 of you.
Make the cruise a special time for her and the loving members of her family.

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

That's what I would do also and Have!

Take the cruise and have a wonderful time with our daughter!!!
Include your husband if he is willing to spend little or no time with his mother.
Get a mother/daughter spa treatment, eat lots of ice cream together, take silly pictures of each other, take a late night or early morning walk on the deck.....just the 2 or 3 of you.
Make the cruise a special time for her and the loving members of her family.

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Ok, here are my lame random thoughts....
Your daughter probably reminds your MIL too much of Fletcher-her appearance, her mannerisms, her phrases etc. Your MIL is obviously grieving him, and when she sees your daughter, she sees Fletcher, and wonders why he is not here. And then she is pissed off that he is not there. And sometimes, it is a lot easier to be mad, than to be sad. The other granddaughter is totally removed from the situation, so it's a lot easier to latch on to a child who has no "baggage." Yes, grandma needs to grow up-that's not fair. I hate that your BIL/SIL are being mean to your daughter. That is totally uncalled for, especially given all that you have gone through-perhaps MIL is in charge of their purse strings as well? . I admire your strength. You have been an inspiration to many. I am glad to see you posting again. Go on the cruise, and YOU focus on your beautiful daughter. Perhaps just meet for dinner w/ the in-laws. There are so many fun things to do that you should not have to see anyone you don't want to see the entire cruise. And while MIL was making a dress for your DD, I would take her out shopping to buy her "own" dress. MIL has complained a bit about how much she hopes the dress fits. Just tell MIL that while the dress fits, NO ONE wanted to wear it!!!

I think you might have missed my point. Her Gma was making her a dress and was making comments about it. One of the things I would do, along with the other great advice here, would be to get my message across by offering a dress to my daughter that would not hold bad memories of feeling bad about herself based on someone else's words while they were making it.

I've been thinking about some of the responses that said you need to just stand right up to gma then and there, and I just don't think that's the best approach.

You said right off the bat that you love your MIL. I take it that she hasn't always been like this, and that it's rather new behavior, and that you have had a good relationship with her in the past. If her behavior is something coming out of her own grief, throwing down a gauntlet right in front of your daughter - who may not even be fully cognizant of the things you recognize as hurtful - will add to your daughter's angst.

It's one thing for her to possibly feel anxious because gma is acting differently toward her... and another thing - an even bigger thing - for her to also feel like she is on eggshells when she is in the room with both you and gma, wondering if you are going to erupt at gma. Also, you can't know how gma would react to a confrontation, and if she broke down sobbing, Abby might feel some sense of loyalty to her and think *you* hurt gma's feelings, as opposed to having a sense of empowerment because her mom stuck up for her.

If you stand up, stomp your foot, yell, 'DON'T EVER TALK TO MY DAUGHTER THAT WAY AGAIN!', and run off the deck and into the elevator with Abby in tow, I just have to think that will cause more confusion and worry than self-confidence. Abby *has* had a good relationship with her in the past and probably still feels close to her, even though the treatment she is getting isn't as cozy as it was. I just don't see a reason to add to her fears about the relationships in her life coming to a halt, especially given that she's already grieving the loss of the relationship with her brother.

That's why I think I'd do what I said before - if Abby seems to be aware of and hurt by her words, then find a way to intimate to Abby that you recognize that gma is saying things that are unkind and that you think it is because she is so sad about Fletcher. Figure out a way to help her pity grandma rather than hate her. Cruises are so great because you can all go your separate ways all day long if you want! There is no need for you to place Abby in the line of fire all day long - just have a great time and meet up for supper!

Fletchersmom,

I am so very, very sorry. I just got through going through the archives to read what happened to Fletcher.
I am just speechless. I am just so saddened.

Yes, Abbey deserves a dress.. many dresses, many hugs and the precious moments that she is more than deserving of from all family members. I can't fathom that after all that she has been through (and your whole family, as well) that Gma would allow her grieving, or whatever is going on there, to allow her to hurt those that need her the most.

I do not believe that confrontation is what you or your family needs, however. But you have carried so many burdens and this is not one you should have to carry in silence, so it is hard for me to say to just not confront. However, I am going to offer that as my advice (and the dress idea..lol) and more importantly, I am going to pray with you about your MIL's heart and the healing that she so desperately needs in her life. I love the idea to take your daughter and praying with her about Gma.

I know you will get through this, and you will make the right choices. You are one of the most level-headed people I have seen here. So very kind on top of that. Your daughter is so lucky she has you in her life to guide her through this.

You are going to have a great time on the Cruise. And Remember, it is OK to sneak off and just be alone with yourself! Make sure to do that if anything gets to be too overwhelming.

Lots of love, and many thoughts of you and your family.

Kathy

Is it possible that gma is having health issues? You do not take the time and effort to sew dresses for someone that you don't like/love. Maybe she is trying to put a little distance between all of her grandchilden,because she has seen all of them grieve,and in the natural progression of life she is the next to go.