Is it ever OK to use corporal/physical punishment on a child? If it is, under what conditions might you use it? Have you personally ever swatted or spanked your child(ren)? Were you spanked as a child? How did it impact you?

This is almost like a religious subject - always quite contentious - so let's play nice.

cj/

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I was beaten as a child, (Back in the day of "Spare the rod, Spoil the child era) so I may have gone way too much in the other direction with my kids. I can remember the 1st time I smacked my DD hand. She was about 18 months old and was trying to put some little toy in the electric outlet. It was a reflex and I felt terrible afterwards.

I see no reason why you cannot smack a child's rear. But I would never slap a child's face or spank them with a belt or other object.

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Mary

I've given a quick swat on my 2 ds bottom when I couldn't get their attention any other way. I've also swatted their hand when they wouldn't leave something alone.
I don't see anything wrong with it as it's on the bottom or hand. I think there is also an age limit on when to do it. After about 5 or so, I think it is wrong.

Judy

I feel it depends on where you live.Where I live you cannot smack,hit,or spank your child or you could have your child taken away.Therefore ,you must learn how to deal with any anger you feel that resulted from your childs behavior in the most positive way you can think of no matter how hard it may be.And if you've done your best and it doesn't work,well...tough cookies.If you cannot control your childs inappropriate behavior and have tried everything from classes to books,from group therapy to family counseling then TOUGH, you'll just to have to put up with the child till they turn 18.And if they are THAT bad they'll end up getting in trouble all the time anyways,in which you will be held responsible for and will get your kid taken away anyway.

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One of my elementary schools in NY would actually have a paddle to spank students when I was young. My classroom was next to the principal's office and I used to hear the kids scream and cry when getting paddled. (hated that)

While I'm not a big proponent of spanking, I do think that there are times when it is appropriate. For our family, I prefer talking and time-outs when they are young and writing sentences or removing a privilege when they are older.

I'm quite sure that my teenager would love to have the choice of a spanking instead of losing his driving privileges! (obviously, we don't give him that option, lol)

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It's been a while since this one came up!


No.



Never have yet found a time when spanking was the best idea. Ever.

There have been moments when I was feeling like letting my kid have it, but I was very aware that was ME feeling out of control. I never did it, and I'm glad. I've never hit a child of mine (or anyone else's, obviously).

I also can't think of a time where I've witnessed someone spank a kid, where the adult, himself/herself wasn't overly emotional in the moment. It always seems like more of a release for the adult than a true, well thought-out punishment/consequence for the child.

I will say that that there are many parents who I feel are excellent parents who don't agree with me. Different philosophies. But this is my very strong stand on this subject.

Flame away...I can deal...

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For me personally we never ever were hit as children. My dh he was and his brothers alot , his sister however got the most, as my dh describes its, she went againist everything my in laws told her to do and more. Now as far as me and my dh we never ever put our hands on any of our children never ever did , never ever will.But that is out way of parenting, we always believed in talking and we are a extremely close knit family. I know personally for my dh who was beated alot with the belt and remembers it all too well, would never ever dream of laying his hands on our children. Once when my ds was younger we are on vacation in florida and they were all small and goofing and acting silly at the dinner table. Long story short my fil turned around and said if he was my son I would smack him across the face, needless to say my dh turned around and said to his dad, thanks to god he is not your son.Later in life I actually had a conversation with my fil and he admitted to me, that he truly was sorry for ever hittting his kids with the belt. He told me when they were younger and he having a business and so busy and tired, when he came home and my mil would tell me what they the kids did, he had no time to talk , just to react and hit. Again for me personally there is never ever any reason to have strike your children, again my personal views... Peace.. Catherine

Is it ever OK to use corporal/physical punishment on a child? No
If it is, under what conditions might you use it? I would not ever use it
Have you personally ever swatted or spanked your child(ren)? No
Were you spanked as a child? No
How did it impact you? I was a good kid, not a discipline problem. It made me realize you do not have to hit your children for them to be well behaved.

The argument you usually hear on this it "Well, I was hit as a kid and I turned out ok."

It is likely you turned out ok in spite of being hit, not because you were hit.

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I don't do it. I always had a hard time with telling kids hitting is a no-no, then swatting them.

I suffered a lot of abuse as a child, so of course I would side on the side of "no" it's not okay.

However, if I see a child running towards a road and a mother chasing/catching up to said child, a mild swat on the rear (note I said MILD and SWAT) just to grab the child's attention, I wouldn't say anything.

The only time my son got a swat on the rear was when he was three, from his dad, when he picked up a kitten by it's neck, then when the kitten clawed him, he purposely dropped it. After that swat, he sent himself to his room and cried himself to sleep. He would never purposely hurt an animal as he LOVES them so much.

Kinda like dnj51's reaction - it certainly wouldn't traumatize the child.

I don't use this form of punishment personally, never had the need to. However, I can't get all high and mighty about it because different children have different issues and respond differently to discipline strategies. I have not walked in those shoes, nor have many of you. I don't think that any one of us have seen the full spectrum of issues; especially those who have few and very young children. You just don't know what you don't know.

I grew up in a time where corporal punishment was used in public schools (and in homes). And yes, we turned out OK in spite of it....but perhaps because of it, too. Today's teens and young adults are hitting, punching, stabbing, shooting people - so much more than in my day, that I'm not sure where the cause and effect lies - given that corporal punishment is NOT used today as it was 30 or more years ago.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I didn't read all the responses but here is my take:

Yes, I have spanked my children. I did so when they were little and had a diaper on. It was a "swat" to get their attention (but in this day all "swats" are considered spankings so that is why I say I spanked). I did not beat my children or even make a mark. I also slapped their hands when they would grab something they shouldn't and say "no". I view the swattings the same way. Once they were out of diapers, we stopped. I don't think there is anything wrong or cruel about how I raised (and am raising) my kids. It is how I was raised and how DH was raised as well. This topic is OFF LIMITS on the moms groups I am on. It gets more heated than ANY other topic....

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I didn't read all the responses but here is my take:

Yes, I have spanked my children. I did so when they were little and had a diaper on. It was a "swat" to get their attention (but in this day all "swats" are considered spankings so that is why I say I spanked). I did not beat my children or even make a mark. I also slapped their hands when they would grab something they shouldn't and say "no". I view the swattings the same way. Once they were out of diapers, we stopped. I don't think there is anything wrong or cruel about how I raised (and am raising) my kids. It is how I was raised and how DH was raised as well. This topic is OFF LIMITS on the moms groups I am on. It gets more heated than ANY other topic....

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I'm thinking that today's teens and young adults that are hitting, punching, stabbing and shooting people were spanked just like anyone else (if not more so). I definitely don't see spanking as something that could have deterred violence - if anything, it contributed, IMO. I think corporal punishment is alive and well in many homes.

I personally see nothing high and mighty about having a strong feeling on this one (either for or against).

And at this point on this sensitive issue, I'm stating again that this is a matter of personal standards. I'm completely against it, but I recognize and respect that some people see nothing wrong with it. I don't think it compromises their status (in my eyes) as a good or poor parent.

But while we're on the topic of the full spectrum of issues, if spanking/hitting kids IS the preferred method of discipline in some instances, then should teachers be given the same leeway? I know of some special education programs that utilize pinching students as part of a structured discipline plan (I think this is typically for more nonverbal kids).

Is that acceptable? If a kid is nonverbal, and gets pinched when a teacher finds his/her conduct unfavorable, is that an okay thing to do? The kid probably can't articulate his/her needs/likes/dislikes the way other kids do - and they're obviously not allowed to pinch back. Do you think this form of corporal punishment is a humane treatment of some people with special needs?

As a special education teacher who has worked primarily with children and adolescents with social/emotional disturbance, I feel like I've worked with a lot of extremely violent kids. I have never felt that any of them deserved a spanking, or wondered whether they weren't spanked enough if they were older. If anything, I usually felt that expressing themselves verbally rather than physically was not emphasized growing up. I know that we did better with controlling their behavior in school without the use of spanking than their parents were doing (while implementing corporal punishment) at home.

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Again for me personally if anyone else for example a teacher or even another family member and that includes grandparents as well ever ever put a hand on any of our children I would be so upset.Now as cjs said there are plenty of others kids out there who do indeed have many serious problems, do I think that hitting them will make them better, no way, to me it would cause more harm and more hurt and more plan and more anger. To be if you administer violence or inflict pain on a child, then that is what the child learns from. I would sincerely hope and pray there are more productive ways to handle children to do have serious issues. Again personally for us, we have been lucky to have the children we do. But I also firmly believe, it all starts at home, we have always loved our children to the max, we are always together, even as they get older , they bring their friends here to hang out. We talk to them all the time, I always felt the need to always keep the lines of communication open with our children. I wonder too also , because I do work with little kids and believe me even at 4 and 5 and 6 years old , there are signs of neglect. For instance I have this one boy in my class, I cannot tell you how many times, his homework is never done. I cannot say how many times he face is dirty, he hair has not be combed, he has not returned his library book for the past 5 weeks, if these people whom are in a bitter nasty divorce over him and his brother and they are doing this now. I can only imagine what lied ahead sadly for these 2 brothers. They come in and as kids do speak the truth and say mommy and daddy fight all the time.Both boys have shown signs of abuse.My principal and the teachers me and Mrs.S and the school counsuler are trying to be on top as much as possible. So in the end I firmly believe if you show your children violence , that is what they learn and sadly most of the time, they repeat it to their kids when they grow older... So to me its never ever ever okay to ever strike your child. catherine

Note the "I'm not sure" part ... I honestly don't know. I do think that we are letting kids get away with far too much these days.....probably more so by trying to be their friends and not disciplining at all than anything else.

But I still think that there are some kids who might respond only to a swift kick in the pants (figuratively speaking). I don't have one of them, but I can't find immediate fault in what could be a caring parent who has that kind of kid and needs to discipline that way. That's all I'm saying. I will say that one of my boys was/is the sort that had to learn his lessons "the hard way"....so we did have to let him get bumped on the head, fall out of a tree, or touch something hot so that he would learn first hand that he didn't want to do that again.

cj/

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cjs 216, can I personally ask you two questions
'first you said you grew up with being hit and you grew up fine, did it not degrade you to a point that make you feel sad or that you did not feel you needed the punishment
Secondly you said you do not have any problems with your children and therefore no need to hit or strike, if you did have a child you felt truly needed it, would you administer corpal punishment plmk I am interested in your answers. Peace, thanks . Catherine

I personally do not believe in corporal punishment. Our public schools here in Oklahoma still DO have corporal punishment, at the beginning of each school year you have to fill out forms if you do not want your child to have corporal punishment, the alternative is detention or suspension depending on the incident. Prior to living in Oklahoma we lived in Texas, they ALSO had corporal punishment in the public school system, same thing as here if you didn't want your child to have corporal punishment you had to fill out the forms and bring them into the school board.

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Wow - I learn something new everyday. I didn't realize that there was anywhere in the U.S. that did allow corporal punishment!

First, where did I say that I grew up being hit? I never said that, Lucy. What I said was that I grew up in a time where it was acceptable to spank a child - both in the home and in school and in church. I do not think (but my memory is fuzzy due to age ) that I ever received a punishment that did not fit the crime - that would include getting my mouth washed out with soap for saying things that Ishouldn't. Now that's an icky punishment! Blech!

Second, I also did not say that I do not have any problems with my children. Please read more carefully, Lucy. Yeah, they are pretty good, but we have certainly had the need to discipline them over the 19 years that we've had kids. Would i give them corporal punishment if I felt that was what was needed? Yeah, probably. Would I send them to a boot camp or something like it if I felt that was what was needed? Most definitely. Would they be punished and degraded there to try to turn their lives around if need be....quite likely.

Look, all I am saying is this....that I cannot rule this form of punishment out because I have not honestly been presented with the situation where I felt it was necessary. And yes, I believe that there may be a time and a place where corporal punishment might be needed. That time and place is not the tired 3 year old as mentioned in the other thread. Do I believe that corporal punishment should be used repeatedly and often on the same child? No. But I do think that there are times when a wake-up call might be needed.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

cjs216, I did read it carefully, I am quoting you from your post, I don't use this form of punishment never had the need to, I never wrote that you hit your kids kindly go back to my post on this one ok. Now for the second one you wrote I grew up in a time where corporal punishment was used in public school and home and yes we turned out okay, so when you cj said we turned out okay, I assumed you mean't you received corporal punishment , you then wrote you did not, only receiving soap in your mouth when you said a bad word. Did I read something wrong here.Plmk. Also cjs I also grew up where in our catholic schools and my dh as well corporal punishment was used, we me and my brothers did not attend catholic schools because of this, however I did have cousins and friends and my dh did as well. If this is truly going on anywhere today that is to me absolutely livid, I could never ever dream of me not striking my child, much less a teacher doing so, so way never ever. So please go back and read. Also thanks for answering my questions. Catherine

First off let me say I do not have children. I was a child once though and yes I was spanked. I was spanked even into my teens! Getting spanked did not make me feel degraded or sad. It didn't make me feel good either, but punishment isn't suppose to feel good, is it?

I was never sent to my room, or sent to bed without dinner , or phone rights taken away and I never heard of being grounded until I was a young adult and say it on TV.

I would much rather be punished with a 2 minute spanking that hurt my bottom, than to be grounded for 2 weeks with no one talking to me (friends) or have the things I liked taken away. I always imagine when a child gets say.. TV time revoked.. that would be like an adult getting their TV stolen .. that makes the Adult mad! So it would make the child mad, yes? That anger builds.. they can't express it, because either the tv time will be taken away fro longer, or something else would be taken away.

I'd much rather have a spanking and get my punishment over and done with and move on with life.. not be punished for days and weeks over 1 incident.
but that's just MHO

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susiecat, I am sorry but I have to disagree with two things you mentioned. First off did you say you were spanked into your teens.. I think that is horrible,I could never ever imagine that. Second you say you would rather get your punishment over by getting spanked for 2 minutes then having something taken away from you for 2 weeks. Again speaking as a mom for the last 23 years while I never have or ever will lay a hand on my children, if they are punished for a week with priviledges taken away, they are going to remember that, then a 2 minute spanking. But again your are entitled to your views and so I am I. I respect your views and trust you can mine coming from being a mom for 23 years. Peace. Catherine

Well, I think my parents did a pretty good job raising me. I never did drugs, never smoked, or drank alcohol because I knew what would happen to me if I did. I think people need a little fear in themselves to act good. I know I am pretty old fashioned in my thinking, and I doubt I'll ever change.

Yes, I was swatted with a fly swatter into my early teens. I was never beaten.. just swatted/spanked.. I never had bruises or blood or anything like that and I never ever felt unloved.. in fact, quiet the opposite.

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Susiecat, I am extremely happy to hear, that grew up and choose not to do drugs or drinking or anything bad. However while I was broad up with ever getting hit or striked by either of my parents I am one of five I am the oldest and then I had 4 brothers either one of us ever experienced with any forms of drugs or alcohol when we were younger. In fact while my parents never put a hand on their children, they were strict, especially with me being the only girl.I was 17 and at a curfew of 9:30. My brothers were given a bit more freedom, which I never liked but it happens with alot of girls. Anyhow we would laugh because there were many times my brothers Sonny, Micheal. Daniel, James were hanging out and my dad would pass several times during the nite and ask so fellows to them and their friends what do you have planned for tonite. There were times my brothers would say Dad you do not have to keep passing and checking and my Dad would always say I will pass 100 times to check if I feel like it..Anyhow getting back to my own children. So far I have been very lucky if you call it that, I never had any drugs or drinking problems.Partly for the 2 oldest ones, they both were born with bad hearts and from day one. We have grilled it into them that drinking and drugs and smoking cigarettes will only cause you further harm. Also for my ds Thomas who has now been diagnosed this past summer with being lactose intolorent and having a severe case of IBs, he cannot drink at all. So at this point I have to wait and see cause I do have a dd Caitlin16 will be 17 come 5/10/09 only time will tell.Finally as far as whether you were hit as a child or not, using drugs, or smoking or drinking is a choice .There are plenty of wonderful absolute wonderful parents who raised their children the right way and still they went down the wrong path. Then also you get parents who could care less and totally were horrible parents and their children turned out fine.I know personally speaking for my dad and my dh who were terribly beat as kids swore they would never ever lift a hand to their children. I am so happy they choose not to.... Catherine

"I would much rather be punished with a 2 minute spanking that hurt my bottom, than to be grounded for 2 weeks with no one talking to me (friends) or have the things I liked taken away. I always imagine when a child gets say.. ' I agree totally...
And I would like to say that I think there is a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference between Corpral punishment and spanking....

Not me! I'd rather be grounded a week with no TV than get a whoopin! I hate pain!

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I was physically abused and beaten growing up. I swore then that I would NEVER touch my children. And I haven't. I have a 15-1/2 yr old son and an 18 yr old daughter who were not once in their lives spanked. Were they perfect angels...hell no, who is. But there are other, in my opinion just as efficient and less demeaning ways to discipline your children. My kids, since the worst punishment they ever knew was "time-out" for varying lengths of time, HATED timeouts, which made them very effective. I have straight "A' students who are/were involved in school, in student government and with active social lives. All without the "benefits" of spanking. They are definitely much healthier mentally at their stages of life than I was being "corporally punished" growing up at the same stages. Apples to apples,that is a good enough example to me...

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jeanief all the words you just said was exactly the way I feel, thanks so much for being the type of parent you are and for the way you choose to raise your children. I am also sooooooooo sorry to hear you suffered so much as a child.We are only children once and should never ever suffer.Like you my children were so always perfect however my eldest 2 are fine adults .Both attend college and their grades are wonderful. My youngest just got her notice she made the high honor roll. She too is now looking for colleges as 11th grade is the hardest. They all all three of them also work .As I said I feel totally blessed and know we as parents made the right decision without ever having to lay a hand on our children.... Peace Catherine

I don't have kids but IMHO spanking is something parents whould keep in their bag of punishments but it should be used very sparingly.

I think spanking should be used like this:

First time kid does something wrong, tell them that their behavior is wrong and they are not to do it again.
Second time they do the same thing, give them the mildest punishment you use. Ex: sit on a chair, stand in corner, etc.
Third time give the strongest non-spanking punishment and tell them the next time they do it they will be spanked, no questions asked.
If the fourth time rolls around, send them to their room and when you are in a calm frame of mind go in and spank them. Then explain why they were spanked and tell them that if they ever commit the offense again they will be spanked again.

What bad behaviors this would apply to would be up to the individual parent but I would save it for serious things that compromise the health/safety of the child or others in the family.

Having said all that, there are some kids who never need to be spanked, just a firm look or letting the kid know you're diappointed is enough to reduce them to tears. Then there are some kids you could beat all day and they just don't care so you have to get them where it hurts them. I was one of the "spank me, I don't care" type of kids. But take away a favorite toy and you had my attention.

I think everyone needs to find the combination of punishment that works for them.

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Back in the old days when I was growing up (late 50's & 60's) - everybody was spanked. At least everybody I knew...it was just a matter of how much and what was used. In my house it was the belt, wooden spoon and an occasional coat hanger. I would never THINK of back-talking or telling my parents no. Was it because I was afraid of the punishment, heck yea, but also because I respected my parent's authority.

Now, you cannot go to a store without seeing kids back-talking and blatantly disobeying or even hitting their parents. I don't mean a little, I mean enough to get your attention.

I absolutely think there is a time and place for a smack/swat on the butt. In fact I condone it. You don't need to beat a child, but come on - an attention-getting swat is not going to do the child any physical or mental harm.

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Mary

OUch really ouch did you say coat hanger, omg that is simply horrible. I would never ever ever put my child in some fear of me. Again I stand my ground, just because I gave birth to my children gives me no right to ever ever strike a my child any child, no way no how. If you show violence in any form that is what they learn and sometimes sadly it repeats itself.There are better ways to handle suituations, but never ever react to strike your child, omg simply sad how anyone could condone any form of punishment when it comes to laying a hand on your child... Catherine