I had a fight with a friend yesterday and boy was I mad I stayed mad for.. I dunno.. 4 hours maybe.. then boom gone. I do have a temper, but I get over it fairy quickly but I never hold grudges.

I see no point in it really. What good does it do, besides make the holder bitter?

If you are a grudge holder, why do you do it? What's the point for you?

__________________
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for bad hunter.

Life is too short to hold grudges. Most fights are over mis-communications anyway. I'd hate to lose a friend because of a misunderstanding.

One of the last things my Dad said before he died was "life is too short, don't fight with each other" I try and live by that everyday. There is no reason to hold a grudge...ever!

__________________
*******If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
But if life gives you limes....make margaritas!!!*******

Yup, I hold grudges. If someone treats me like something they stepped in, then that person no longer holds the same place in my heart. I believe that someone who truly likes or loves me would never do something to cause me pain, and if they're willing to cause me pain I don't want them in my life.

If it's just a squabble with a friend, that's one thing (although I generally avoid confrontation at all costs irl) but if someone does something I find reprehensible, that's another. If, for example, my father knew my mother (who he wanted to divorce but didn't want to support because one can't support an ex-wife *and* a mistress younger than his youngest child) had had a mini-stroke and refused to take her to a doctor even though I begged him to long-distance and because of that failure to seek help she had two more....well, I'd hold a grudge. And I do. Every day of my life.

I think it's all relative...you can say you'd never hold a grudge, but maybe someone just hasn't done anything bad enough yet.

Maureen

I wish I didn't, but I do hold grudges...for a long time. It affects my relationships with people when they really make me mad. I've tried to let them go, but I can't, unfortunately. It's just me. I let a lot go and I, too, avoid confrontation, but when I've had it and it happens, then, well, it takes me a long time to get over it...if I ever do. I've tried and I can't let it go.

Lisa

__________________
"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I'm with you, lisacb....especially if I don't get closure or what I feel is appropriate apology or other resolution to the situation.

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I can move beyond an "incident" but I don't necessarily forget them. If it happens repeatedly then I will evaluate the friendship and decide if it's worth it or not to continue. We all have bad days and sometimes take it out on the wrong person. I can easily forgive and forget that but if it is a habit with someone then I'd rather avoid them completely. I refuse to be treated poorly by an unhappy person.

No I do not. I might never forget what happened but I do not hold a grudge. Life is too short.

__________________
~*~Live life to the fullest*~*

I may not ever show it, but I hold on like a barracuda when it comes to grudging. Don't get me wrong...I don't sit around and dwell on things....but, I NEVER forget....never. Do me or someone I about wrong, and you can count on it that it will come back to bite you.....and most likely when you least expect it. Life may be short, but it is just long enough for a little payback....

__________________
I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

Nope, life is too short!

I have held a grudge against my IL's for almost 10 years now. I feel they mistreated us on visits, and the final straw was mistreating my children. I simply cannot let it go..they have never apologized to me ..

__________________
Live, Love, Laugh

I can. I try not too. I used too A LOT but learned to let a lot go. For the ones I cannot let go, they were things that happened that devastated me and I did not receive an apology (even though I gave one to the other parties that I did not feel they deserved just to make peace). I do not hate the people I have grudges against but they are not forgiven for what they have done simply because they think what they did to me was okay (it wasn't).

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Wish I could say I don't but I do. Actually, I move on and chalk it up to a lesson learned. Sometimes, it helps you see the whole picture and what you thought was worth holding on to wasn't.

__________________
Sometimes the elevator often the shaft

I don't like to hold grudges but there are times it just simply cannot be helped.
I have an ex-dil that I just want to strangle. She has my ds so brainwashed and uses him like it's unbelievable that he can be so sucked in. I'm raising their child because she has absolutely NO motherly instinct what so ever. He other 3 kids are being raised by her sisters (not my sons kids). They were taken away from her by CPS. My ds is divorced from her and has legal custody of my dgd but they are living together.
Yes, I hold a major grudge for her.

__________________
Barb


My GOD Bless our Country and our Troops, and rid the World of terroists.

I too have a temper initially then I get my rational hat on and remind myself life is too short. As some of you know I had a major blowout with my Sister but glad to report we have made amends and waisted 2 yrs of our lives being mad and angry.

__________________

Without Health you have no Wealth!

I personally do not hold grudges, they leave me with too much emotional stress.However I do live by the rule I forgive and go on and do not hold a grudge but I will remember the feelings, but to stop talking to someone forever its not good emotionally for me anyway. peace catherine

Yes, I do. And when I do, I feel it is deserved.

When faced with this type of situation, I ask myself if this will matter a day from now? a week from now? a month from now? a year from now?

When someone cuts you off in traffic, it won't matter 5 minutes from now. Get over it and get on with your life.

When a "friend" does something that causes you to lose your job or split with your spouse, that will matter 1 yr from now. Grudge material.

I blow up,and explode so bad I almost scare myself, the other person fullly knows what they have done and why I am mad by the time I am done ranting. Then I move on and forget about it and so do they as they know what I was fighting for. I have NEVER lost a friend because of an argument.

I guess I imagine that the word "grudge" means you are still upset about an incident and still seeth on the inside.

So then no, I don't hold grudges. I do my best to forgive. But if it was significant enough, then I totally agree with TheMoMo above
"if someone treats me like something they stepped in, then that person no longer holds the same place in my heart. I believe that someone who truly likes or loves me would never do something to cause me pain, and if they're willing to cause me pain I don't want them in my life."

There are several "friends" who I am no longer friends with because of this. However, I am no longer angry, I have searched myself for any reason why it happened and tried to change, or forgiven them and moved on. But I see no reason to be in a relationship that is toxic.

__________________

I have been thinking about how to reply...

I don't know that I hold grudges but I do take a huge step back as to how much I invest in the friendship after someone has hurt me but, I'm also probably considered a ditz because I'm not easily hurt by what would upset other people. IRL, I am a person that has very few people that I'd consider as 'friends'. The *other* people are all 'wannabe friends' and there seem to be a lot of them but I keep my heart turned of as far as pursuing new friendships until it has really been proven to me that the person will not hurt me... Maybe a product of a lonely childhood living far out in the country with only my animals to keep me company. I still favor animals over humans. LOL.

My family is a harder one for me to figure out how to handle. So hard. The women on my mother's side of the family have done some incredibly hurtful things to me for years (including my mom). They are able to be b!tchy to each other and thrive on breaking each other's spirits over and over again but when they transfer that over to their relationships with me, I just shrink back (as I do with friendships) and don't want anything to do with them which is hard because we have a really small family and my head tells me that blood is thicker than water when my heart tells me otherwise! I do have a very hard time forgiving them... but I do not feel that I am holding a grudge (I'm not seething inside, just anxious when circumstances arise when I have to be in their presence)???

I am Italian so yes when someone betrays me in any way I tend to hold a grudge. My father held a grudge for 30 yrs once.

__________________
The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I guess I would have to say yes. I do try to let things go, but, if it continues to happen over and over, that tells me that the person doesn't know how to act properly, and it's time to back off. I don't forget how people treat me, either.

Some things are unforgivable.

I'm not sure if you would call it a grudge.....well, I guess you would.....anyway, MIL has done some very questionable things over the course of my marriage, and has never owned up to it, let alone apologized. She continues to do things, but, we have set definite boundaries, and that has really put the kabash on much of her shenanigans. But, she still sneaks them in when she can, unfortunately. We will never have a close relationship. I pretty much view her as my DH's mother, who birthed him. For that, I am grateful. I don't think I owe her anything,other than the usual amount of respect I would give to a person.

Sorry, OT, but, apparently, I needed to get that off my chest.

__________________
Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Is there a difference between holding a grudge and just cutting off communication?
I always think holding a grudge.. you think badly of the person when their name is brought up, and you refuse to go to a party or something where that person might be.
Cutting off communication because you just can't their crap anymore.. you aren't really mad at them.. but you don't have the warm fuzzies either.. and if they might be at that party you still go, you just don't talk to them.
We don't have to best bosom buddies with every, do we?
Because their are some people I just flat out refuse to hang out with. They cause me stress and unwanted drama... but i wouldn't change my plans to avoid them.

__________________
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for bad hunter.

I think if you are holding a grudge there is emotion tied to it. Your blood boils when you think about them or you get a bad taste in your mouth. You continue to think about the issues.

It is possible to just cut someone out and then they just become a nonentity. No emotion tied to them.

YES I do hold grudges. In fact, one of the ones I know I will hold forever is against someone on this board.

Another board member was in her darkest hour and instead of being supportative and kind, or just saying nothing, this person decided to push her own agenda. It was inappropriate, cruel and heartbreaking. When I called her on it she was so self-righteous it was disgusting. For me it was a clear indication of the type of person she is and to this day when I think of her my lip sneers.

__________________
Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

Heck Tessa honestly if you truly could get so upset with someone on these boards with someone you only talk to by posting and not having even met the person in real life, that is kinda sad. Perhaps the person was having a off or bad day and just caught the person at a bad time. I would rather personally say to hold a grudge againist someone, would classify as a person whom over some time, you know personally and have met with, would cause you to hold a grudge. But to hold a grudge againist a poster here and then admit it. Oh well life is all about choices and different views. If that was the fact for me I could hold some grudges as well. But I choose not to like I said before emotionally its does me no good. You sometimes have to take people for face value and realize as ladies we love to chit chat and again if we were all the same and agreed on everything, it would be a extremely boring site to visit. Just something to think about. Peace. Catherine

Do I hold grudges? No, grudges take too much emotional involvement for me.

Do people cease to exist in my world? Yes

If someone shows me they aren't worth common courtesey, I come to a point where in my mind I say "I wouldn't pee on their head if their hair was on fire" and I'm done.
From that point on I don't see or hear them.

And I have to tell you, it can drive people crazy.

__________________

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

So if I said something hurtful to you regarding your brother's death, RIGHT AFTER HE DIED, then you would just assume I was having a bad day or caught me at a bad time? I doubt it. So spare me the preaching if you don't know the whole story.

__________________
Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

Depends--sometimes, if the "infraction" is no biggie...naw

But,if it is big and personal, you betcha

__________________
"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

ok Tessa I was not preaching ok and to talk about my brother dying why in the world would you ever say something like that...Why would anyone in their right mind same something bad about a person who just died??? Coming back at me with that answer was not normal. Also I will go one further ok , my late Brother Sonny had a mutual friend of all of us a female, Her name is Barbara, we were all friends forever it seemed , we grew up together. Okay fast forward, while my brother was in the hospital at the end, she would come to visit him and tell him,you did not have to become gay and perhaps you would have not contracted aids. Naturally this upset my brother alot, but there were many times he was going in and out with all the morphine. Needlessly to say I personally could never speak of death with my brother, it was just too painful>Before he passed he told me he did not want Barbara to come to his funeral. I spoke to my whole family and decided not to hold a grudge, you know why, because she truly loved my brother in a way, he could not love her back. I am glad I did not ask her not to attend. We have remained friends and I know my brother Sonny knows I made the right decision, if he was not sick.. Catherine

I am also Italian, but I was taught that life is too short to hold a grudge against another person. Go figure..

Exactly. And if someone did say something bad about a person who just died, to someone who loved them very much, you would hold a grudge. Get it? Coming back to you with that answer was perfectly normal.

__________________
Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

Catherine
I am not saying this to argue with you, but in my opinion, and had I been in your shoes, I would have honored my brother's wishes. Since he was hurt by this person, who basically attacked he and his lifestyle when he had no means to stick up for himself, she was beyond disrespectful. Irregardless of whether he contacted AIDS from his lifestyle, or as have others from contact unknowingly with someone infected with the virus, or even through a transfusion, the fact that he was terminal should not have given this so-called friend the right to preach to him on his deathbed. What did she think she was going to do---change the unchangeable situation? She had a personal vendetta and agenda and chose the wrong time and place to put this forward. No way in hell would she have been allowed at the services had my sibling specifically expressed wishes to have this individual kept out. If she truly was a friend, she would honor and respect those wishes and could then choose her own time and place to grieve or honor the memories of your brother. That does not mean that you would have to write her off from all of your lives (though I would because it was reprehensible for her to have attacked him in those conditions in my opinion), you could retain whatever relationship you choose with her. But I don't believe it would have been any type of "grudge" to honor one of your brother'slast wishes.

__________________
"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

jeanief I read your whole post and thanks for taking the time to answer me. I deeply appreciate it very much. However I guess I must explain further into the story. When we were younger my Brother Sonny and Barbara dated for awhile, However it truly was very casually more like firends then true boyfriend and girlfriend in his part. Barbara always did and to this day still loves my brother Sonny. When he became really sick, I sincerely feel it was very hard for her to accept. While my brother loved Barbara he had to be honest and say it will never be more then friends. So I guess at the end, she truly was very upset because while during she went on with her life, she never truly found true love.She drove herself into her career and at 41 years old 3 years she met and married a much older divorced man and gave birth soon after to her only child a boy. Getting back when she said to my brother I truly feel and know she did not mean it. Also from my brothers point of view, he was so sick and in and out of morphine, I honestly do not feel it mean't to say that. Needless to say we as a family my parents and my brothers discussed it and asked her to come to the funeral which she did. I sincerely hope I made the right decision in my heart, the love me and Sonny shared he would not hold it againist me.Again like I said for me to hold a grudge does me no good emotionally at all. I cannot speak for the future if a incident arises and I may hold a grudge, however only time can tell. On a final note to Tessa, was there someone of the boards who spoke ill of a loved one of yours who passed or did someone on the boards loose a loved one and you offered help and they declined plmk on this.Peace to all. Catherine

I had to look very deep into this and try to sort out my feelings between the 3 people I have /had in my life that did so many terrible things.

Do I have a grudge ? I'm not for sure as this is what a grudge means and it doesn't "fit" into what I feel.

grudge
noun
1. a resentment strong enough to justify retaliation;
"holding a grudge";
"settling a score"
verb
1. bear a grudge; harbor ill feelings [syn: stew]
2. accept or admit unwillingly

resentment
–noun
the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
resentment
noun
a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will

Hate
verb (used with object)
1.to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward;
detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2.to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
–verb (used without object)
3.to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.
–noun
4.intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.
5.the object of extreme aversion or hostility.
.
hat·ed, hat·ing, hates
v. tr.

1. 1. To feel hostility or animosity toward.
   2. To detest.
2. To feel dislike or distaste for: hates washing dishes.

v. intr.
To feel hatred.
n.

1. Intense animosity or dislike; hatred.
2. An object of detestation or hatred: My pet hate is tardiness.

If I had to pick between these for what I feel toward my 1st husband It would have to be hate. (No preaching yes I know I should never hate anyone, but It's the closes I can get to my feelings for him.


For the person that stole my sister's wedding rings when she died. It would have to be resentment. I hold no ill will toward the person or persons that did this. But yet I find it very hard to forgive them of the act.

For my ex brother-in-law that allowed AND invited his "girlfriend"
(that he had when he was cheating on my sister while she laid dying in the hospital)
to her funeral. It would have to be a grudge or maybe resentment ?
I really don't know.
( If we had known who she was at the time he would have been beaten to death that day )
So I really don't know if it's a grudge or resentment that I feel.

I do find it hard to forgive these people and what they have done. I have been divorced from my ex monster for 25 years and I still have these same feelings. It's been 27 years since my sister passed and I still cry over her not having the rings. and it's been 27 years since the ex brother-in-law has been seen and I still hold the same feelings for him. I don't know if I can ever get over these feelings. I have tried and I find myself still getting angry each time I try to forgive.

That is funny! I guess I don't really "hold a grudge" per se but I will cut people out of my life if they cannot be trusted.

__________________
The political system is broke and it's a joke.

annadrose---I think that is a great way to look at it....why keep crap in your life....even if it is family? Whenever I hear someone explain away someone else's reprehensible behaviour with "but she is your mother (or father or sister or whatever)..." I always say. "Exactly, that is why I EXPECT MORE from them...not less."

__________________
"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.