I am the class mom for my daughter's kindergarten class along with another mom. We have been getting along well and I am a class mom for my son's class also so I sort of let her take over the kindergarten and I was more of a helper. Well, she screwed up for the Thanksgiving party, I had no idea what she was doing until the teacher contacted me and said she was really giving her a hard time.

So I took over for the Christmas party, I had the letter home written and everything planned the day after Thanksgiving (bought the craft, planned the menu, etc.). I emailed it to the teacher and didn't email it to the other mom, which is my mistake (which I aplogozed to her for).

I emailed the other mom to see if she had anything she wanted to do, another craft or a Christmas game? She volunteered to bring in some food and a craft to do.

Well the day before the party she emails and says she doesn't have anything for the craft and she can't be there, her father has to have chemo everyday and he can't watch her kids now.

So the day of the party she's not there, and then on top of that she never even sent in the item she said she would.

I would LOVE to write back and say WTH? The teacher is really fed up with her and I have forwarded all of the emails I have gotten along with my replies so she could read them. I want to handle this myself and yes I was wrong not to send the letter to her, but what she did hurt the kids more than it bothered me?

WWYD?
Sorry it's so long!

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

While I'm sure it's frustrating to you, it sounds like she is dealing with some family stuff right now, and it's taking all or most of her attention. I would speak to the teacher and ask her she wants you to take over for now.

I know if it was me, I would be pissed off too, but I'm gonna assume that she has too much on her plate right now to deal with the "petty" stuff.

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Exactly what Toonces said.

I would also go as far as to ask the teacher to appoint another co-room parent (since the teacher sees it fit to express her disappointment in this other parent, I think she can assume the role of reassigning here). DON'T let yourself get roped into anything where you are confronting the other present room parent - to 'relieve' her of her services, or whatever. You're a volunteer. The teacher is a paid professional. Let her handle the sticky stuff. You just be the great room parent that you are!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I don't know much about her home life, but she was so over the top in the beginning that it is hard to believe she would just drop everything. There is no way her father having chemo just happened that day and she had no idea until dinner when it was too late for me to do anything? In the beginning of the week she said " I guess you don't need me at the party", so it's like she is just waiting for me to beg her to help me?

I think I ticked her off and she's taking it out on me. The teacher is the nicest, sweetest lady in school, everyone loves her, so I am pretty sure it's directed at me.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I'll agree ... I think she has more to worry about than just being a room mom (not that being a room mom isn't important, but her father's health is probably more important right now). You didn't say how she screwed up the Thanksgiving party, but maybe that was because of the problems with her father. As devinmom said, I wouldn't confront her either, but I'd probably just try to take over as much as I could without slacking off on what you need to do for your son's class. However, did you volunteer to be the room mom for both classes? Maybe she thinks you should be just as responsible as she thought she would be able to be before her father's health problems came up? You thought of yourself as her helper since you were also in charge of another class. Maybe she thinks of herself as a helper since she has her father's health problems to deal with?

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Linda

With the Thanksgiving party she wanted to do what she wanted to do, not what the teacher wanted or what was allowed by the school. She wrote the letter home (that had to be approved by the principal) and then was told again that she couldn't do what she wanted and it just went back and forth and finally the teacher wrote her own letter and sent it.

But now should I write and ask her if everything's ok? Her son was at school that day, I don't understand why she didn't send in the stuff she said she would the night before?

And no the whole class mom thing is not important in the big picture, but she could have said something, called sent a note in something?


I just get the feeling that she isn't telling me the truth, but does that even matter?

I want to see what the problem is, does she need help or is she just mad?

I don't know, this is not what I signed up for.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

If it were me, I think I would just let it go. Find another room mother to help you with any upcoming events and if the old one asks why, just tell her you thought with her family problems that you didn't want to bother her any more. What's done is done and all you really need to do is to make sure the rest of the parties are successful. Tell the teacher that this is what you want to do and then if she feels the need to contact the old room mother, then she can handle it.

In the grand scheme of things... the kids are never going to remember who the room mom was and what they did or did not do. If the teacher wants to replace her, then it is up to the teacher to do so. All you can do is let the teacher know that you are wiling to help out in any capacity.

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I think someone needs to send out more correspondance to the other parents. It's not fair that only two parents are seeing to the needs of 20+ students. And when one parent bails, one is left holding the bag. The other parents need to step up to the plate-but they will not unless you let them know.

I'm not sure about the tone of her emails but if I were you, I would just give her some slack. Tell her not to worry about helping out right not (not like she was anyway) and let her know that you understand her need to be there for her father. Maybe even ask how he's doing, she might want to talk about it. Then, politely exclude her from any further party plans.

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Are you sure you're being a team player here and communicating well with the other mom? Communication is a two way street.

"I am a class mom for my son's class also so I sort of let her take over the kindergarten"
"she screwed up for the Thanksgiving party"
"I emailed it to the teacher and didn't email it to the other mom"
"I have forwarded all of the emails I have gotten along with my replies so she could read them"
"I emailed the other mom to see if she had anything she wanted to do"
"she said " I guess you don't need me at the party", so it's like she is just waiting for me to beg her to help me?"

If I were her, I think I'd be able to pick up on your negative feelings towards me. And I'd be really mad that you forwarded my e-mails to the teacher.

My suggestion: pick up the phone and work TOGETHER on the Valentine party. Don't just say "I'll do it" but decide what to do after listening to each others ideas, divvy up the tasks including how other parents are going to be asked to help (this is how a party does not fall apart if one person doesn't do their part as linny mentioned), check in with each other occasionally, and get it done.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

She doesn't KNOW I sent our email to the teacher?!

And she knew all about the situation with my other class and was fine with taking the lead in this class, we talked about it in the beginning of the year.

And like I said no I didn't send the letter to her for her ok and I did apologize for that. We talked about what kind of party we were having with the teacher right after Thanksgiving and I said then I would take care of the craft, so she knew I was doing that.

We had been communicating fine, I emailed her for her ideas on a craft since I am not the crafty one and she had the idea and was going to take care of that, all was fine or so I thought.

All of the problems were the couple days before the party and the day of, all of the planning went fine, but when it came time to follow through and check off the list of stuff we needed for Tuesday she backed out of everything.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Okay, here's what I would do. I would talk to the woman in person or on the phone. Tell her that you want to give her a break and be in charge of the next party (Valentine? Mardi Gras? Easter), and then she can do the next one...rotate. Or, work a lot more closely with her. As a teacher, I never know what's going on with my parties. I trust my room moms or co/room moms to get things together, and I just go with the flow. I would rather them work it out together than pull me in the middle of it. Or at least, that's how things go at our school. Usually, if a room mom falls short, for whatever reason, another mom takes up the slack or I do. We don't really stress out about it.

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Is she the kind of woman to be vindictive if you "let her go" of her room mom responsibilities? It is tough to work with people like that.

The main focus should be on the children, what is best for them. Would your life and everyone else's be better if you just bowed out? Maybe that is really what this lady wants, and honestly, so what if the kids are happy, and the teacher is happy. If she needs this "title" or whatever to be complete, she's got bigger problems.

Maybe you can discuss that with the teacher, and let her know you think it would be best if you offered to bow out, and let "Sally" be single room mom, but, assure her you will be there to help in any way. Then, let "Sally" have at it.

When my DD was in 1st grade, no one wanted to be room mom, so the teacher asked me. I felt bad for the kids, and accepted the position. The teacher had full control basically, and I just did what she wanted, and sent letters to the parents asking for the supplies and things for the parties. Things went really well, and I was always open to people coming in and helping during the parties and such.

I knew one mom from another room......OMG, she was like Room Momzilla.........terrible.

Anyway, just never forget that the focus is always on what is best for the children. Be the better person and put the silliness aside, and you'll come out just fine.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I think it's naive to think that people don't have a clue when you're talking about them behind their back. And I agree with mdrpooh that you guys should work this out as adults and not drag the teacher into it - teachers have more important things to focus on. Those are my opinions - you don't have to agree with them, but you did ask for opinions and you will get ones you like and ones you don't.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Another teacher here- keep the teacher out of it and work it out. You don't want to not be recommended to be a homeroom mom next year based on trouble caused this year.

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Jackie

Music is what feelings sound like._ ~Author Unknown

I think in the modern age, we all are two quick to whip out an email instead of picking up the phone. I think calling her would be appropriate. Saying something along the lines of how it appears that there was some miscommunications about the Christmas Party, and that you understand she has a lot on her mind. Ask what she wants to do about the next class party.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

To me, this is not a big deal. This mom obviously has more on her plate than perhaps she thought she would, and the 'room mom' hat is not her biggest priority. I have to agree that going back & forth with the teacher about this woman is not needed or helpful. We have two room moms in my daughter's room, both of whom I know. The "head" mom is well-intentioned, but has a long history of dropping the ball due to personal issues. We work around it. There are several moms more than willing to make food, create games and crafts or put together decorations for the parties, so we just do it.
The other mom has a non-accusatory phone conversation with the "head" mom a couple of weeks before the parties to discuss ideas, then delegates as much as she can to other parents. If the "head" mom is supposed to bring a game, craft or food, we have plenty of backup in case it doesn't happen. Nobody really cares who is SUPPOSED to do what, as long as the parties are fun for the kids.
Stop talking with the teacher about something that really isn't her problem. When the next party is coming up, call the other mom, tell her you know she has her hands full, but would love to hear her ideas for the party so you can ask other parents to share in the fun, since many are more than happy to.

The teacher was the one who asked ME to take care of her after the hard time she gave HER over the Thanksgiving party, so I didn't drag the teacher in, she asked ME to take over because the other mom wasn't doing a good job ( she thought she could do whatever she wanted, but it's the teachers class and party and we have to follow school rules which she isn't).

And Cj I don't care if you agree with me or not, I don't expect you to.

I only wanted to be a class mom in one of my kids classes, but because there were no volunteeres, they put me on both. I can see why too, this is too much BS. The only ones who suffered were the kids.

And Ann you are right, I think she wants to be in charge and she isn't, the teacher is.


In my other class we have a great class, almost every family calls to help or bring something, the communication between all of the parents is awesome! This class mom didn't even return phone calls last time and no one knew what was going on. I only found that out when a mom called for this party, she said that the other mom never called her back and she left 2 messages.


So wether you agree or not isn't the point, the teacher and I are having a problem, NOT just me and I don't know how to fix it.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

In the grand scheme of things, I think you're making way too much of this. Now that my boys are grown and I look back and see what you're saying, I'm thinking "that's all?"

The kids won't remember what happened at Thanksgiving (obviously it's bothered you more than anyone else). I think you should pick up the phone and TALK to the other mom. Sounds to me like she has a lot going on right now and if she's dealing with a dad with chemo and children and probably other things you don't know about, being a room mom is pretty low on her list right now. Maybe she's doing the best she can at the moment.

Just call her and talk to her about it. Apologize if you've offended her (by not sending her the email) and talk it out like adults. Perhaps offer to have another parent help out for a while until she's ready to be room mom again. Maybe she's looking for a way out for a while but doesn't want to leave you doing it all by yourself.

mom2twins2 I wholeheartly agree with your entire post, well said. In the scheme of things from years to come, the children hopefully will just remember having a wonderful time in school. I think the problems should have handled by the 2 classmoms and via phone not email. Not everyone checks their email everyday.As been a class mom many times over the years for my children , its a responsibility, however I also agree there are some classmoms to take it very seriously and others I wonder why they ever agreed to take it on, again how they handle being the classmom varies from person to person. However to op I sincerely wish for things to work out for the children's sake. Edited to say I also agree this should not be brought up to the teacher, they truly have enough already on their plates. As being a kindergarten paraprofessional if I went to Mrs S. and told her every little thing it would not help, sometimes I have to delgate the problem or problems myself and truly only address her attention to more important serious issues. Peace and stay safe in this holiday season. Catherine

You said that she screwed up the Thanksgiving party. How so? You also said that she had been giving the teacher a hard time. About what? First of all, let me say that I feel bad for you and the kids that she didn't follow through with what she said that she would do for the Christmas party. If she said that she would send in something and do the craft, then she should have made arrangements for it to be taken care of. I certainly can understand if her father was sick and she had no one to watch her kids that she couldn't be there...but she would have known this in advance. She shouldn't have waited until the day of the party to tell you. She should have called another Mom from the class to take over everything that she said she'd do. I'm sure if her father has been sick, the class party was the last thing on her priority list, but she should have just called you in advance and told you the situation. I've been the room mom several times over the year for my kids...and boy do I have some stories to tell you...but I'll save that for another thread! This is what I would do. I would call her and inquire about how her father is doing. Then I would just tell her that you know she has alot on her plate, but that it really disappointed the kids that there was no craft to do for the Christmas party. I would let her know that it bothered me and that since she has alot going on in her personal life, maybe she would like me to get someone else to assist me in being the room mom for the rest of the year. I definitely would NOT just ignore her and leave her out of the loop from now on. I think that would be mean and petty. I wouldn't bring the teacher into it at all. She has enough to do already. I think that you were wrong sending the woman's emails to the teacher. I wouldn't like that at all. That was very immature to do. So, to sum it up, just pick up the phone. Tell her that you didn't like her letting you down when she promised to help you. Be straight with her and tell her that you can't have her not following through. I would give her the opportunity to continue to be the room mom with me, but one more screw up and she would be out. Just my two cents. ~Lisa

flipper113,

You've got lots of good advice here, I hope you find some of it helpful.

I can't help but think that your teacher is sort of instigating a little here. If she really expressed to you that she's unhappy with the other room parent, I find that out of line and unprofessional.

You don't need to be dragged into this, and unfortunately, you allowed yourself to be dragged in a little too much already.

I think that still another option here for you would be to say to the teacher that you would like to be helpful, and are willing to do whatever you can, but you cannot be the person who confronts the other room mom. If the room mom has really bothered the teacher, let her speak for herself.

If the bigger issue here is that YOU don't want to work with the other room mom, then either bow out, or ask her if she'd like you to completely take over. I've been the only room mom twice. It's not so crazy - all the parents help - you just plan and make phone calls to the parents for food/craft/volunteer requests.

Good luck with however you handle it! I agree - this should not be such a big deal. So either:

1. Let the teacher speak directly to the other room mom about her unhappiness (she's the paid one, here)

2. Offer to back off and let the other person be the one in charge - and you'll "help"

3. Offer to take over, as the other room mom's dad is sick.

Don't get into any further finger pointing. You don't need the stress, and neither does the other room mom.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Unfortunately, some people thrive on this type of drama.....what to do?

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

someone has the absolute funniest "Drama Llama" picture.....Toonces perhaps???

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I really don't know what to make of this post to be honest. The 1st thing that stood out to me is the father is doing chemo. I dont think I could sweat the "small" stuff about not bring projects to do for kids that probably will not remember not doing them. I also think it's wrong for a Teacher to "Voice" her disapproval over the lacking of another mom ( But thats just me ). To me it shows dis concern over the challenges this mom is facing with her fathers illness... Maybe I'm just a sucker on things like this. But being a Den Leader for the Cub scouts I'm pretty use to things happening that were planned but never went thru. So I don't sweat the small stuff and to me this would be small IMHO.

Good Luck Op with the next party .

I've been the room mom/team mom many times and sometimes parents just do not follow through...best thing to do as others said, just enlist extra parents to contribute supplies/food/whatever. That way if someone has an emergency or just forgets, it's not an issue.

Other than that don't let it upset you and don't feed into the drama and politics....you said she didn't come and didn't send a craft and thus 'hurt the kids' but IMO if a craft was really important at this party and kids were 'hurt' then someone else could have come up with one, especially for 4 and 5 year olds kwim -

Good luck to you! Being a room mom/team mom/school volunteer, is a great exercise in politics

We encounter a lot of this with Girl Scouts.

The priority is the children, not adult squabbles. I hope you all can get this resolved...

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"Those who do not find time for exercise will have to find time for illness."
~ Earl of Derby

YOU shouldn't be having a problem - you're a volunteer. The TEACHER is having a problem and I think it's unprofessional of her to be discussing it with you. If she can handle a class, why can't she handle a minor problem by herself? She should have discussed things with the other volunteer and either replaced her or offered to help out. She shouldn't have told you anything about her problems with the other parent or discussed her with you.

I understand why you're mad but the kids aren't suffering. They missed out on a treat and that's not so terrible. It's not hard to replace a craft for 4 and 5 year olds. They're happy with a funny story. I think you're stressing over nothing and this minor thing shouldn't have turned into the teacher and you vs the other volunteer.

I'd just plan on doing everything all myself but not tell anybody. I'd plan the activity and bring enough treats just like I was the only one doing it but I'd leave them in the car if the other volunteer showed up and did what she said she'd do. You'll waste some cupcakes but it will make things easier for everyone. I'd be nice and give the other volunteer every chance to participate and I'd have a backup plan in case she didn't come through. I wouldn't confront the other mother or question her truthfulness. I'd say I was sorry she had problems and offer to help with the class in any way I could.

You're buying into this drama and there shouldn't be a drama. Let the teacher deal with the other parent if she wants to and just concentrate on the kids.

I had to dig for her!

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This is EXACTLY what I would do. I was going to write this but opaldancing took the words right out of my mouth, lol.
Extra snacks and cupcakes would never be wasted, my family would eat it. And any extra craft supplies could always be used somewhere else.

Good call opal.

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The roomparent shoud just organize the parties not supply the class with everything. That would get very expensive. I would ask the other mom if she would like you to take charge because she has so many other things on her plate. That way it would look like you are doing her a favor. Then for the next party ask the teacher what she would like done. I have been roomparent for years and most of the teachers like to tell you what they want. Some want small parties like a cookie and a drink only, and others want to go all out with make your own sandwhiches. Only a couple teachers have ever said do whatever you like. Then when you make your calls, or send letters asking for parents to send things in you know who you can count on for something you have to have. Like if you are decorating cookies ask the parent that always forgets to send in something that more then one person is bringing not the cookies itself. That would be asking for trouble. Also invite any parent that wants to come and help to stop by. I always had more then enough help especially in the younger grades. Good luck with your next party.