I was curious.....have you ever known anyone who was verbally/emotionally abusive??

If so, is it typical behavior for people who abuse to act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and like everything is fine? Do they have no recollection of stomping all over someone? Do they have no conscience? Does the abused somehow buy into this, too?

Also, when a "normal" person yells at someone or cuts someone down or verbally addresses another, they tend to feel bad.....does an abuser actually feel happy?

Maybe this isn't something that people will feel comfortable talking about, but I am really perplexed by seeing this play out and hoopefully someone will be willing to share and shed some light on the abuser mentality.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Is this a board abuser, or an "IRL" abuser?

I tend to believe that abusive people experience a release/relief when they explode on someone...so that probably gives them a clean slate/fresh start in their own minds, so to speak.

I honestly believe that many abusive people don't realize how cruel they come off - if they decide someone is "wrong" then that alone is enough to justify the abusive person's wrath...no conscience comes into play - no guilty feelings, since the other person "deserved" it simply for being "wrong."

My limited experience is from years ago, when I worked with emotionally disturbed individuals. But I still hold these theories.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I don't really want to say where I'm seeing this, but Dr. Phil had a woman on last night who was very, very abusive and seemed to have no remorse for it....so that got me thinking about other situations I've observed.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I'd answer, but I don't want to seem like I know everything. Everytime I have given my opinion or thoughts on a subject, lately, some seem to think I am being a know-it-all....

I have worked w/ abuse victims, I have taken numerous 911 calls from abused women, and yes, I've even been an abused woman myself, not that you want to know.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

MarilynK, I am interested in hearing what you think about this.

Don't stop contributing...

The woman on Dr. Phil had no remorse, nor did she feel like her rages were wrong. In my opinion, she (and other abusers) are just wired wrong. I don't think they actually feel "happy" though. It's more of a matter of control and being "all-powerful."

To answer your questions: Yes, I've been in abusive situations.

If so, is it typical behavior for people who abuse to act like nothing happened, like they feel fine and like everything is fine? Yes, either they don't realize what they've done is wrong or they feel it is justified.

Do they have no recollection of stomping all over someone? Some seem to have a sort of denial and forget the reality of the situation. Some like to downplay it. And some see nothing wrong with it so therefore don't see it as "stomping."

Do they have no conscience? See above answer.

Does the abused somehow buy into this, too? I don't think they buy into it, but they make excuses for the abuser, blame themselves and then hope they abuser will change.

I’m not an expert on the matter, but I truly believe the abuser is very aware of what he/she is doing and enjoys doing it.
I think they tend to lack self-confidence, suffer from low esteem and belittling a person they feel inferior to/envious of
gives them a ‘temporary ego rush’ which in turn makes them feel superior. JMO

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Just to add my two cents:
In some cases the abusive person suffers from some sort of undiagnosed mental illness, and doesn't see what they are doing is wrong at the time they are doing it. They may, after the fact realize that they've done 'wrong', but because they didn't mean to cause harm, the assume that makes it ok or the other person's fault (example: "well, she knew that not having dinner on the table at 6 sharp was a trigger, so, she should have known better).

But, for the most part, based on my personal experiences--zookeeper hit the nail on the head.
As for victims of abuse: after awhile their state of mind is so fragile, and they have been subject to so much abuse that they lose their sense of self. They tend to rationalize the abusers bad behaviour, they tend to blame themselves. They play the "if only" game--"if only I had had dinner on the table at 6, he would't have hit me/yelled at me/thrown dinner across the house..."
Most abusers, at some point, fall under the "sociopath" label. It truly is all about them, and how things effect them. Those are usually master manipulators and the outside world sees them as "good", and can't imagine that they are mean and abusive to their family/close friends (if they have any true friends left).

Ocassionally, with the abusers who truly have some sort of chemical imbalance, they can change with medication and lots of therapy--but, even when though they are mentally ill, they have to take responsibility for their past behaviours. It's been my experience that MOST aren't willing to do that.

Nothing I say here is based on fact, purely my personal experience with being abused, and with dealing with abused women/children. I don't have a PhD, or social work or counseling background. I'm not giving advice or stating that this, as my opinion, is better than anyone elses.

I will say, abuse victims will do whatever it takes to appear as normal family to the outside world. When I worked as a dispatcher, not one of my co-workers or the numerous officers KNEW that I was an abused wife. I hid it well. Imagine their surprise when they had to respond to a domestic disturbance call at my house because the neighbors heard my husband yelling at me that he was going to kill me. Imagine my shame, humiliation and horror at having to let my friends (and these officers were and are my friends) into to the house to investigate. But, that was the turning point. I knew at that moment that I didn't have to take it anymore. I knew at that moment that I was a good person and didn't deserve anymore abuse. I knew at that moment I was strong enough, and had enough support from family and friends to break the cycle.....You might be surprised to hear that 1) I had hid it from my family for 13 years--they never knew until I broke down and told them 2) I am still with my husband. He actually was diagnosed w/ a mental illness, and is treating for that. It hasn't been fun, it hasn't been easy and there are still days that make me wonder why I'm still here--but it is doable, and it can be overcome (at some point and with lots and lots of work.)

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I think my ex was emotionally abusive to me. He made me feel and think that no one liked me. He also made me feel as if he were ashamed of me, pretty soon I was ashamed of myself to the point where I would hide if someone came to the house!!!
To everyone else the EX was a great guy.. perfection on legs even! He would make me stay home alone ALL the time.. I gave up my friends and most of my family (which was ok, because most of my family weren't much better)
He even tried turning my own mother against me.
While this was happening.. I totally bought into it. I totally felt unworthy and damn lucky to have this man still love me as awful as I was!! I got depressed.. I stopped wearing make up.. I stopped buying new clothes, I would just ratty clothes around the house all the time.. I really hate admitting all this but maybe it'll help someone else. He never hit me. I think emotional abuse is sneaky. It chips away at you, until there's hardly anything left.

In the early part of 2007 I was put in the hospital for an operation. My hospital stay was 12 days. He only came to visit me 5 out of the 12 and never stayed more than an hour. The hospital staff was very kind and sweet to me and made me feel like they LIKED me. Not like the horrible monster EX made me feel. In fact when he would come visit.. they were nicer to me than they were to him.. which had NEVER happened before! Those 12 days really changed my life.
A few months after that we split. I live alone now. I have never been so happy! I stopped talking to him around Nov of 2007... this past christmas eve dec 2008 he IMed me on yahoo... seems life isn't treating him as well as he thinks it should, he's taking up drinking.. and he and his 2 women (he left me for 2 bisexuals - that's a another thread) weren't even happy enough to celebrate christmas!

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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for bad hunter.

Wow, Susiecat.

That is really something. I give you all the credit in the world for coming to the conclusion you did - I hope the hospital staff knows how pivotal they were in helping you realize what 'caring' should feel like.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

While I agree with a lot of what Marilynk posted, I based my answer solely on OP's question about emotional and verbal abuse.

Physical abuse would be a whole other subject to elaborate on.

Susiecat - Thank you for sharing your story and for sharing your strength! Hopefully it will help someone else that reads this.

Sometimes it seems to me like a snake that strikes and then recoils for awhile before striking again.

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Oh yes, that's part of the "game" with abusers. They let things go a long for a while as the "status quo", and then *bam* something sets them off. It's one of the ways they maintain control of the situation. If the abuser keeps the other person off balance, it makes the abused look like the one w/ the issues.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

That's a good point. My ex, who I really think might have oppositional defiant disorder, could turn on a dime. A "good morning" might get a "f you". A long drawn out horrible verbal match the night before disappears in the morning like nothing happened at all. It was pretty cyclical with him. Some tiny trivial thing might seem like the worst thing that ever happened whereas something big might not even set him off. Totally unpredictable behavior. I left when our only son was not quite two. I was absolutely not raising a child under those conditions. He called me every name in the book for no reason (not that there ever is a reason to do that). I never regretted leaving. He never would go to counseling-he didn't have any problems. lol My son is a good man ( 24 1/2 now) and I shudder to think how he would have turned out had he grown up living that life. I really don't know what makes these people do the things they do. They can't be happy.

Susie we love YOU. You are a very valuable human being.

Hugs to Susiecat, Marilynk, and Kathytheshopper.....shame on those who perpertrate their abuse on you.

This is not meant to be mean, Marilynk, but I think your situation explains some things to me...

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I was verbally abused, emotionally and physically abused by someone very close to me when I was a child into adulthood until I got up enough ba**s to distance myself from this person and not talk to them or put myself in a position that I was in their presence.

This person also abused my mother not only mentally but physically as well. Unfortunately my mother was never able to distance herself and when she died she was still under the emotional abuse spell. She never had any self confidence because she was beat down so much she never recovered. She was so under the emotional abuse that this persons opinion mattered above all else. She spent her life trying to fix the things this person kept telling her she was. She died at age 50, 7 years ago tomorrow. wow. My mother was never any of the things this person told her and could have been so much more if she would have just said no more. I can understand though why she didn’t as it took me 35 years to be able to do it myself.

Anyways in my experience the person who is saying the things knows what they are doing and thrives on hurting people. They will be little any accomplishment that you have done and tell you, you should have done better. They purposely say things to see your reaction and smirk when they see they got one. They speak so much nastiness that it becomes second nature for them to speak this way. Somedays you think wow I might get through this conversation without anything then they go in for the kill with the “big one” they pound a certain thing into your head over and over the one thing that they know goes right through you and no matter how many times they say it you never get over it.

They will call you names, tell you that you are trash, tell you know one will ever love or stay with a person like you. Then they make small little digs every time you speak to them.

In my experience emotional and verbal abuse has been far worse than any of the physical abuse I suffered. When I was physically abused the bruises and bumps, bloody noses and lips, cuts and scratches went away and though I know they were there the memory of it faded. The scars from the emotional and verbal abuse are always there. Those words always play in the back of your mind no matter how far back you try to bury them. If something goes wrong in your life you always go back to something that was said and think “maybe they were right”.

Anyways like always I have rambled on. To answer the question, yes they know what they are doing and yes they gain pleasure from it.

I am so sorry that you and your mother suffered at the hands and words of this person, Keowa. Big hugs.


I still wonder if the person gets to a point where they no longer know that they are doing it....

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Fortunately I have never suffered physical or real verbal abuse. I did have a mother that was a master manipulator (whole 'nother story) but I figured that out while I was a teen and learned to deal.

We had a neighbor family that was totally disfunctional with the father being a real rat bast**d that terrorized his family. Verbal, physical, psychological, you name it this guy used every thing at his disposal to get to his wife and children.

Now roll forward 25 years, the last time I was home to visit I ran into another neighbor and while we were catching up they were telling me that Mr.D had really had a change in his ways. He was very active in his church and faith and telling everyone how he knew what he had done was wrong but didn't know any better because that is the way he was raised and so on.

My question was "Did he have a death scare or was he arrested?" The friend laughed and said "Both".
Yup, I've seen that happen a lot. "Oh, oh it could be time to get my game straight before the big eternity." Or they don't want to spend their 60's and 70's in prison.

My point is that I think they know until the bitter end what they are doing and it is their way of feeling superior.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.