About 2003, when I had been divorced for a year, I met a really nice guy at Jazz Fest here in New Orleans; he lived over a thousand miles away and was down here with a group of friends. We hit it off, and I ended flying up there after several months to spend some time with him. We dated for over a year...going on week long trips with each other, popping in for a visit, etc...but it really wasn't enough for me. After those twelve months, we drifted a part. I met David, and the other guy started dating a woman up there. Jump forward to two months before my wedding in the summer of 2007--he emailed me and then called...wanted to see what I was doing, and wanted to get together again. I told him about my upcoming wedding, etc. and he wished me the best. We still communicate by email every now and then, but I am very careful to keep him at arm's length. Well, he wrote me recently and said he's coming down here in a couple of months for another music event. I said, "That's great, maybe we can all get together for dinner." I think I could handle that...but I'm not sure about David. Why do I feel like I need to see him? Sometimes I think I want to show him what he missed out on. But on the other hand, we were friends, as well as lovers, and I would like to see him...but only if David goes with me. What are your feelings on this? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm sure (for some reason or another), I'll be slammed for this...but I'm a big girl, I can take it! ;-) And no, I have NO desire to cheat on David; he is a incredible guy and I don't want anyone else. I just think it would be fun for all of us to hang out, have dinner, and listen to music. But on the other hand...I just don't know. WWYD?

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

I have many "men" friends. My husband has a few "women" friends. No big deal for us. Sometimes we have dinner together with our friends, sometimes we go alone. It isn't an issue for us. But, that has been the deal since we dated. So, it depends on your relationship. I have a friend whose husband would have a fit if she were to have another male in her life. Actually, two of my best male friends are previous boyfriends. I almost married one of of them. We call one of my husband's friends his work wife. So, again, it will really depend on your unique situation, IMO. In my world, you can't have too many friends

ETA

I just read this again. I believe you really need to figure the above out.

Sounds to me like you need closure to that relationship. As long as you've told David everything and he's OK with all of you getting together, then do it. But I would make sure you meet when David can go with you, don't be alone with your "ex" or do anything to cause David concern. If you have a solid, honest relationship with your DH then I don't see anything wrong with meeting. Sometimes we just need closure to give us peace of mind!

I think you should be upfront about your DH about this guy. If you aren't hiding anything, then your DH would have no reason to worry.

My DH & I both have friends of the opposite sex. Some are married, some are single and some were ex's of ours in a previous life.

We have both always been open and honest with each other about them, we both trust each other and are comfortable in our relationship and have never had an issue with these other friends.

Openness and honesty is the key.

JMO and what has worked for us for 19 years.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

if you are honest. We have been married for 12 years and have both spent "alone" time with old relationships that we remained friends with. We have all met, and mostly just e-mail occasionally. If you really trust each other, and you all know it is now just a friendship situation, then I see no problem with it.

Perfectly normal to show a old flame what they missed out on. I would tell David about the relationship.. at the same time telling him you love HIM not the other guy.. ask David if he'd like to meet him.
Maybe let David make the choice? Is the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want David to let you decide?

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This situation would scare me to death. I would never feel comfortable accepting e-mail from another man if I was married...OK heres my sad story. I am old and have been single for over 40 years and I have never run into this. That being said I would and do have friends that are male.
Go with your heart, only you know the strength of your relationship.
What would you do and feel if he wanted to have dinner with you and and an old lover?

I think as long as you are being 100% honest with David, then you should do whatever you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. As long as your husband is part of any plans you have to get together with the friend from your past, I don't see anything wrong with it.

I don't think the question is whether or not you are being honest with David about the situation -- I think the real question is whether or not you're being honest with yourself. I'm not sure you've really figured out why you feel the need to see him.

My belief is that you truly do love David, and you don't want to mess that up at all. However, there is something gratifying and intriguing about having an old boyfriend/lover in your life again for one evening - even with other people. My theory: The concept of spending an evening with two men that both have feelings for you is likely the draw, here. You seem to know that you might like the ex to see you with David, but it could also be that you'd like David to get to see the ex, too.

This, to me, is unlike having a typical male friend while you're married. It seems like you still have some feelings for him - it wasn't very long ago.

I don't see getting together as being a great idea. The experience is likely to torment yourself a little, in the end.

You know yourself best. I could be way off here. But I don't think I am.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

What would I do? I would go. What would I do if I were you? I would not go. I think you'd be better off letting sleeping dogs lie and not seeing this old friend. It sounds like you're too conflicted to enjoy just a casual friendship with him.

I'd go, your not interested in him for a relationship just as friends. We go see my dh's ex girlfriend all the time and she was brides maid at our wedding. I had my older boys and talked with her when she had her two boys when she felt nervous about stuff. Take David and go have a good dinner.

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I wouldn't go. If you want for him to see how happy are, send him the photo that you have as your avatar letting him know that you are happily married and let it go at that.

I think Devinmom might be right. As much as I hate to admit it, I think I do like the idea that two men are attracted to me...that both know me, have experienced me, and still want me. I know that is wrong, but I think that's what's happening here. I'm going to really think about this. I probably am wanting to see him for the wrong reasons; I think I'm going to sit down and talk to David about this. Thanks for your honest imput.

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

If it were me, I wouldn't go. Why put yourself in that position? Why the need to see an ex? What exactly would it accomplish? Would it possibly bring up old feelings that you would rather not be brought up? Even though you say you are happy, are you really happy? I don't mean for you to answer these questions here, these are questions just for yourself. I must be different from everyone else that has responded, because I actually have no desire to see any of my ex's, much less spend any time with them, they are ex's for a reason, LOL.

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I think Devinmom's words are wise and very well thought out and presented.

I have absolutely nothing against having friends of the opposite sex - I know others do - but this sounds like a risk that might not be worth taking with unclear reward.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

What makes you think this guy "still wants you"?

Excellent point!

What Would I Do? I would be a good wife and cut the old flame loose. You made your choice you made a decision. Marriage is not like picking out a dress or pair of shoes...you can't discard it after seeing something better or finding something old in your closet that you like better.
It would be against my morals to hook up with or reconnect a friendship with or whatever with this man. Just the way you are talking "I want to show him what missed out on" "He still wants me"

You are playing with fire. You can only make your own choices however the fact that you feel this way indicates perhaps you were not ready for marriage.

I mean there are good looking attractive intelligent nice men all over the place but I married my husband so the rest can only be secret fantasies never to be spoken of or thought of other than a few private moments.

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Here's my two cents. Does your DH know about this man, and that you and he still email each other? If not, I think that is deceitful. JMHO, of course. Some people have VERY open relationships. If your DH is open to you all getting together, then it's fine, I suppose. Are you feeling a need to validate that you are desireable to men?? Sort of like a woman who flaunts it to get the looks. KWIM???

If your DH says "no way, and stop emailing him" you really need to abide by his wishes, I think. Think of how you would feel if you found out your DH was doing the same thing to you......behind your back. I'm not trying to be mean, just want you to be sure you see all sides of this.

Does it matter to you if he "sees what he missed out on"? And, what would it matter??? Maybe he will be regretful and try to get you back. Then what a mess you would have on your hands.

Personally, I think once you are intimate with a person, it changes the whole dynamics of a relationship. There is always that "something" there, and a line that most men think they can cross back over. Again, JMHO.

I think you should just tell this other guy that out of respect for your husband you will not be meeting with him when he comes down. No hard feelings, and all that. Unless of course your DH wants to meet with him. Some guys get a thrill out of seeing other men swoon over their wife.

Good Luck. You're in a bit of a tough spot, I'm sure.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Thank you all SO much. I know what to do...it was great hearing some other words of wisdom, and lot of you gave me great things to think about. I need to just cut ties. Thanks again...the "food for thought" was right on the money. Always, Marilou

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

I think you've made a very wise choice Marilou. It would be something you'd regret or have an unwanted conflict between you and your DH.

Good for you, Mdrpooh!

Plan a really amazing date night or weekend for just you and DH for that time instead. Go all out! You'll both have a great time, and you know you'll have no regrets.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

As always, great words of advice.

Go see the ex. Get closure.

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I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

I think it is a sign of respect to your DH if you decline his invitation.

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Wow, we have some very smart, insightful posters in this thread.
Mdrpooh, I think you are right in giving the decision the thought it deserves.

And Devinsmom, would you be my therapist??

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

HOn from someone who has been married for 24 years, I personally would cut all ties asap. It is just not healthy mentally for you and your new husband David. Hon it seems you moved on . Perhaps it is just me but I would be upset if my husband had a best friend as a girl and I know my dh Tommy would feel the same. Perhaps I am old fashioned when it comes to our marriage.I know I came late into this thread however I read the previous posts and glad you made the right decision that your comfortable with and also while we all here can offer advice we do not walk in your shoes only you can make that decision because you and you alone have to live with it. Peace and I sincerely hope all the best for you and David. Kindly keep us posted.. Catherine

I'll second this post, almost to a "T!"

Mdrpooh - Kudos to you for seeking advice and being open-minded and honest enough to think things through and take it. (Even though, from the bottom of your heart, I think you already knew what to do!)

Devinsmom, your words were perfect, and mdrpooh, I think you were very wise to be able to see through your emotions to your instincts.

We had a situation here this week where DH's first girlfriend (from Jr. High) found him online. At first, he thought it was fun to reconnect with her - it's been 30 years, he was a 13 year old kid at the time, and he had dumped her when he decided he didn't like her that much as a girlfriend and simultaneously moved away. It didn't take many facebook messages for him to realize that she was living in the land of "what if's" and isn't all that happy in her marriage. When she said something to the effect of, "Your wife would probably think this is crazy, but I have a favor to ask...." and his response was, "Don't worry - she'll let me know if she thinks you are crazy. We're very close and log into each other's facebook accounts all the time just to keep up with each other, so she'll probably see your favor request before I even do and can tell me if she thinks your sanity is questionable - lol!".

That shut her down very quickly... which tells me that her intentions, whether she was admitting them to herself or not, weren't entirely pure. I think finding him started as idle curiosity, but once she'd made contact she seemed to want to *reconnect* on a deeper level.... and for what purpose? She lives half a country away and what would be the *point* of bringing her on as a *friend* when they'd never see each other, when she was obviously looking to be fulfilled in some way that wasn't healthy, and he barely has time for the friends he has in his own town! Seemed like a losing idea all the way around.

So... I say just don't go there and you'll never walk down a bad road with the ex. Keep your life full with people who have no potential to be a threat to your marriage and in the long run, you'll be happier and more secure!

This is just priceless! I'm still chucking! Hug that hubby of yours!

This is a well grounded, insightful, and most likely, accurate summation. There is a tremendcous amount lot of widsom here and I am in total agreement.

dl

Why dont you ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

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Be careful what you wish for.....

Wowza.

I am fighting the urge to print out and frame all the nods to my well-received armchair advice from this thread. Don't think I don't realize that this is a once in a lifetime occurrence...


mdrpooh, I do want to echo what zookeeper16 said - it takes a lot for one of us to come on here with a real issue, seek advice, and truly open herself up to all of the responses that come in like you did. To me, that is our board at its best.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell