We went to the casino boat last night.

Usually I can take control. I never really have ever had any problems at all with setting an amount to spend and sticking to it. Usually I only spend $60 and then I call it quits if I lose. Sometimes, I have spent up to $300 but that made me feel sick when I would lose it.

I don't know what is going on with me the past few weeks, and what took control last night, but I feel horrible. I am so disappointed in myself and my behavior.

While my dh (bless his heart) spent his evening up in the sports bar watching the football games, I proceeded to withdraw our entire checking account balance over about 5 withdrawals and feed it into the machines.

I have NEVER been like that, EVER. As I went upstairs to go be with my dh, my heart felt so heavy. I have never been this disappointed in myself. I feel like crap. I just can't see how anyone can have a gambling problem and not kill themselves over it. I have never, ever felt this bad about myself.
I looked at my dh when I got to the sports bar and just said, honey, we need to go. He said, with a very concerned look on his face.. "How much did you spend". I said, "honestly, I don't know, but a lot".
I am sure he was thinking my loss was the $300 amount. I went by the club booth and asked them how much I spent, so I could tell him. I wanted to just walk home at that point.

I spent $3,000 last night. I am so freaking out.

I told him in the car. He freaked for a second..and then OMG.. he said....
"we'll be fine". He is still very mad at me, but....

Friends, I don't know what I ever did in my life to deserve such a supportive and loving husband. I just don't know. But for whatever reason.....I am just so fortunate. We talked the entire two hours home, and discussed the ramifications of this compulsive behavior. We also talked about what could have possibly been going on inside of me that made me react like I did. I just kept telling him how sorry I was over and over..I just couldn't stop, and I still don't know if I can ever make it better.

I have not slept a wink since we got home last night.

One thing I do know, is I am NEVER going to the casinos to gamble again I am done. How I feel about myself sucks worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. Hands down.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what a horrible, heavy feeling that is. You are very, very lucky to have such a kind DH.

That was my first thought of advice to you....never, ever go to the casino again. Good luck.

Wow, bless your heart. Everyone makes mistakes. Gambling is meant to be fun and they design those casinos to draw you in and before you know it, you have spent more than you ever thought you could. It is like you lose yourself in the casino, the flashing lights, the noise, the people. Before you know it......

You are not a bad person. You are a person who spent a lot at the casino last night.

Don't beat yourself up too badly. You are not the first person to do so and you are so blessed to have a husband who is understanding. You, yourself, know your limits now. It wll be okay. Your finances will be tight for a while or at least mine would be but you will be fine.

Trust me, you aren't alone...there are lots of people who have done the same thing.

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This is really outside of my ability to comprehend....being an uber-conservative tight wad and all , but I just want to say that I agree with the others that you have a great hubby and that you probably need to ban yourself from gambling activities and enlist your DH's help in doing so.

Would it make you feel better if you could come up with a scheme to help rebuild the checking account.....selling some things, working extra hours if possible, doing refunds, etc.? Just a thought.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

My entire family has a history of gambling problems.
Extended family and immediate family.
My mom, my brother, my sister... they are really bad with gambling. But my dad was really bad.

I have been aware of this, and what I have seen happen in my life. I swore that I would never let myself do this.

Maybe this is why I feel so badly. Because I KNOW the history and I know what I am predispositioned for (an addictive personality). I not only let myself down, but I have hurt financially those around me. But I think the worst part is knowing that I gave in to those demons.

CJ, that is great advice. I have thought about it most of the night. Methinks I have some purses that need to be sold, and some extra jobs I need to take to make up the cash. It just could have been used somewhere else (like my kids and their college funds, my kitchen..on and on.. just so much better things it could have been used for).

But you are right, I need to think of ways to make it better-and if I can't, I just need to make sure I learn from it (a very hard lesson!).

call gamblers annomyous(sp). Run to the phone and call them...mmm hobble to the phone with your injury.
This is a problem that can not be handled alone. Stay out of the casinos and DO NOT try to win back the money.
If you were in catholic school they would say write 5000 times
"I am a gambler. I have hurt myself financially and blew my self esteem to smitherines. I am too good a person to let this addiction control my life and the lives of those I love."
You go girl I am pulling for you and if you need someone to chat with just send me a note on here.

I really think you need a support group. Call Gamblers Annon, and get into a program. Get a sponsor, and avoid any sort of the gambling like the plague. The first step is knowing you have a problem.

Kudos to your hubby for sticking by you!

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Forgiveness is love in its most noble form. -Anonymous

We've all overspent at some point or another. What you have to do now is to try to recoup some of it. I put most of my good purses on Ebay recently to try and bring some extra money into the house and they do sell, and very well normally.

You can't go back. All you can do now is to move forward.

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I think the harder we fall, the better we learn. You are wise enough to recognize this for what it is and hopefully never repeat it. Selling some purses is a good idea. As much as you like them, they are just "things". You recognize the value of a good husband and know what your priorities are-- you are blessed. You messed up but learn from it and rebuild.

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Cecilia

"We must love them both--those whose opinions we share and those whose opinions we reject. For both have labored in the search for truth, and both have helped us in the finding of it."
Saint Thomas Aquinas

Yikes. A tough lesson. You have a great husband. What's done is done. Stop beating yourself up. but like you said, stay out of the casinos.

Wow...I think the first thing is to make sure you have your issue with gambling under control. It sounds like you have a great hubby. No one is perfect, you made a huge mistake...just learn from it!
I cannot imagine what losing that much money must be like. I went to our local casino a few weeks ago and lost $20 and I am still bummed about it. I am wayyyy to frugal to be at a casino...

You're talking about it and not trying to hide it, and you told your husband right away. That's a very positive thing. I would feel exactly as you do right now, but it's behind you now, so try to look forward and never step inside a casino again. You can't win, even if you win. Years ago, my mom won a $10,000 jackpot in a casino. We allthought that was fantastic, but winning that jackpot made her want to go back more and "win". Well, she gave it all back plus a lot more. She finally realized that the casinos are rigged to lure you back, and they will always get your money in the end. You have learned that too. Time to focus in a new direction.

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Kathy I am soooo sorry this happened however Bless that husband of yours. He knows you are not like this he knows there is a problem and he is going to support you no matter what.

Don't beat yourself up we all make mistakes. You did it once and you learned your lesson and will not do it again.

I am concerned that something is bothering you that needs to be dealt with. People don't just go out of character and do things like this. Please work it out!

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Slot machines should be illegal! Over the long run, this may have been cheaper than slowly giving your money away. So, that is a bright side. I hope things get better for you soon.

As a huge lover of casinos I can almost relate. Personally, I am able to stick to my budget. But DH has a real problem. If we stick together I am able to draw him away from the tables and machines, but alone...he is out of control.

He went to a bachelor party in Vegas last summer and took $500 gambling $$$ (everything else was paid for) for 3 days - He took an additional $700 out of checking account while he was there.

The only thing I can offer is, you know now you have a problem, you know that you can correct the problem. I know right now you never want to go to a casino again, but if you do ... Stick with your Husband ! Don't go off by yourself. If he is playing something you don't like, just watch. That can be as fun as playing yourself. Also - never carry your Debit or CC with you to a casino. I only take my allotment for the day, DL and Social Security Card (Just in case I hit a huge Jackpot)

I honestly don't think this will ever happen to you again.

You have a great catch with DH and you will get through it. Hang in there and quit beating yourself up. ((((HUG))))

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Mary

I totally agree. Give yourself a break. You made a mistake, you're going to do what you can to earn some money back, and you'll hopefully get some help to make sure it never happens again. Your husband forgave you, so now forgive yourself. There's not a person alive who hasn't done something they wish they hadn't - and probably should have known better but did it anyway.

As long as you learn from your mistake, then it served a purpose.
However, since you are aware that gambling is/was/could be a problem for you, I would suggest seeking some sort of support group or counseling.

Having went to Vegas this past November for business, I experienced playing slots for the first time: I can definitely see how gambling could draw a person in and suck the life blood right out of you. As with most addictions, we would all do well to remember "there but for the grace of God, go I".
It's really easy to mess up one time, and let that one time dictate the rest of your life. However, it can also be the one mistake that saves your life.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

omg sweetie dear friend Kathy I feel so bad for you please please know none of us is perfect, we all have made mistakes some small some large,however if we can learn from them , then wonderful. I also agree hon you simply have a wonderful wonderful husband a true keeper.. I wish for you to not to be so hard on yourself, perhaps now you realized you cannot gamble it is not for you . Good luck and keep us posted I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed you find some peace to get over this problem. Peace feel better hugs Catherine

I dont think you are a bad person, but I think you knew in your mind it would be breezed over or there is no way you would have done it.

If you truly dont want to harbor that kind of guilt again, dont gamble like that again. Good luck to you

Personally I don't understand the fascination since they changed from coin play to using a credit/debit card.
I used to like to hear the sound of the coins it was mesmerizing but now...I would rather go to Fred Meyer, Walgreen's, TJ Maxx, or Borders and put my card through the slot I am guaranteed of winning something every single time!
I do understand the hope or idea that you might win a lot of money but since I am logically wired I don't see a big probablity of that happening. I guess it might be a fear of losing more than a hope of winning that keeps people putting their card in the slot. We, as humans, have a hard time cutting our losses if there is even one teeny tiny little chance of making it all back.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

The phrase in Neveda is "When the fun stops.....

Been there, done that. My congratulations on recognizing that this can't happen again and the cost financially and emotionally.
My advise, and trust me when I say this is something I have experience with, is to call GA and find out where they are meeting near you.
They understand the cycle far better than you realize and really offer the help you need. It will also show your dear husband that you are serious about correcting this mistake and regaining any of his trust you may have lost.
Everybody screws up, it's all in how you fix it.

What's done is done. Seek a meeting and learn a little something about yourself. Take it from one who goes to the casino everyday and no longer gambles.

You can do it.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

First off, you need to realize that you ARE NOT a bad person. I'm probably not the best one to give advice here because my first husband was a compulsive gambler and my current husband is an alcoholic (SOBER NINE MONTHS YESTERDAY!!!! YIPPEE!!); I know how hurtful additions can be. (Yes, I know...I am addicted to men with addictions! LOL! I go to Alanon and I'm trying to learn that I have no control over...ANYTHING! LOL!) However, you are doing the right thing by stepping back and realizing something really rotten happened and you were out of control. Secondly, you were honest to your husband...one time I only knew there was a problem when they cut off our cell phones and our checking account was empty--and I can just deposited my check the day before! And, you are being honest with yourself by admitting that there may be a problem based on family histroy. Follow the advice of others. Stay out of the casino completely...the same way an alcoholic stays out of a bar. Don't put yourself in a situation to be tested and fail. Also, I would give it to God or your higher power. Don't beat yourself up....just do an inventory to see if this really is the first time you've had problems or if there has been a pattern. And...if you need help, please go to a meeting. I could say more, but I don't want to sound preachy. Good luck to you!!!! Always, Marilou
P.S. No matter what, you are still that same good, caring, wonderful person you were before this happen!!!! Remember that!

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Yes yes Kathy remember that your a sweet caring loving person and that comes first.. Again peace. I hope your feeling a bit better.. Catherine

I feel sick for you ~ I had $2,000 taken from our house last year and I know how sick I felt about that.

You made a mistake. And thankfully you know this was a mistake. I'm glad you were honest with your husband rather than try to hide it from him. I think the idea of you earning that amount of money to replace what was gambled is a good idea. And maybe Gambler's Anonymous? I don't know much about that group but it might be worth going once just to check it out?

Try not to keep beating yourself up over it. Make it right so that both you and your husband are OK with it, and move on - learning from the experience. I know it is easier said than done to forgive yourself - that is the hardest part.

I know you've had a long day at this point, and I really feel for you.

I remember something that happened to me, and I thought you might consider doing something similar (along with all the other advice you've gotten today...)

You mentioned how supportive DH was - it seems pretty unanimous here that he is amazingly supportive. One time - about 14 years ago, I had a boyfriend who really let me down. It was a big deal at the time, and we almost broke up over it. But he did something that showed me how dedicated he was to solving it.

He wrote out a long list of several ideas he came up with to correct/improve the problem. He made a commitment to implement all of the ideas, and then he asked me if I wanted to add any other ideas of my own.

He took it really seriously, and showed me all of the work he was willing to do to gain back my confidence in him. And he did the work. We got engaged almost a year later, and we've been married for almost 12 years.

I was just thinking that if you thought it was something that might apply to your situation, you might do something similar - like make a list of what you think you can do to regain DH's trust (and money). Ask him if he's in agreement, ask if there's anything else he'd like to see on that list, and then resolve to do it. I think it would be important right now, if nothing else, to have a conversation about what he thinks would be the right course of action for you. He sounds like a wonderful husband, and because of that, I think I'd want to enlist his input in the "working your way out of the hole" position you're starting.

Good luck, OG.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I would not beat yourself up. Learn from the mistake, we all make them.

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Sometimes the elevator often the shaft

My husband is a drug/alcohol counselor but he is also a liscensed gambling addiction counselor. It is the same with any other type addiction, you must try to totally abstain, gambling addiction can ruin your life just like drug addiction. There should be some liscensed gambling addiction counselors somewhere near you, although there are not that many of them, you should be able to find one if you live in a large area. There is also Gamblers Anonymous.

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I think selling a few things to make up what you spent would be a great idea to show your husband you are seriously remorseful, and to replace the shame you feel with something more positive.

Knowing there is an addictive history to your family, please take this as your big, all-out, lightning flashing, red lights blinking warning. You cannot go to casinos, or other gambling venues, and trust yourself. No lottery, no poker, none of it. The biological predisposition is there, and it will be itching for an opportunity to convince you this was an abberation. It was not, and you could quickly lose much more than money. This was clearly completely out of your character, so be grateful for the (expensive) warning, and heed it.

Hope you are beginning to feel better. And I agree, your d/h is a keeper.

I think devinmom's suggestion is a good one. I also think, as awful as it sounds, that it's good that this hurt. If this didn't bother you at all, you'd be in a lot of danger. You've got a good husband, and as much money as you lost, a lot of people have lost a lot more before realising they had a problem. That said, I feel awful for you, and really hope you can find some help and comfort.

Wow, that is pretty intense, and a lot of money to boot. You could not ask for a better hubby! Just wondering a bit, does this spending spree have anything to do w/ your time in California? Come on girl, reign it all in.

Anna and Linny and others.. I am so tired right now. I have just been up for the last five hours helping my son with his Spanish final tomorrow (he said he was ready.. but NOT!), and with no sleep last night..I want to make sure I am answering clearly.

But Anna and Linny, I think you hit the nail right on the head. On the way home, when dh and I talked, I literally poured open all of the crap that I must have been shoving down deep inside of me. Because what I did was so out of character (I don't play lotto, and I don't gamble outside of the casinos and I am usually very aware of my limits and what I need to do to stop), I just know it had to be something(s) deeper that affected me.
Over the two weeks when I was in Cali, many things happened that I tried to just deal with or squash..and I did just that. I squashed it. So much so that it all came out in one barreling frenzy of lack of self control. From us getting a call that my niece (5) and my dh's goddaughter being molested and us being so far away and not able to help (her mom is also my best friend), to seeing my precious uncle in such horrible shape and knowing that might be the last time I would see him.. to me falling off of the damn star tour bus and realizing my eyes are getting worse..and that now they are not only affecting me, but also those around me I love so much. I am just now beginning to deal with and realize my limitations with me going blind. It is coming fast and I know it.
But my sister... from the way she talked down to me like I was an idiot.. to her outright shunning of me (same as Lake Tahoe all over again). Even though I say I am at peace with me feeling to blame, I can't tell you that it didn't bring up all of those emotions that I felt growing up and feeling like I was never good enough to be respected, loved, etc... It just put me back in that same place that I hate so much.
The ironic thing is, that on our last couple of nights visiting in Cali, the plan was for my sis and her children to come with us to Vegas and see us off. The plan was for me and my sis to spend some time alone.. having some fun. Dh was welcome as well. but it was going to be more of our down time after the holidays.
My sis didnt leave with us (she stayed behind to have lunch with her boyfriend and his friend). She said she would meet up with us. My niece never came, so I couldn't say goodbye. My sister booked her comped room at another hotel just because she said if she didn't use it, she wouldn't get more comps, but she was staying with us in our suite at the Marriott Grand Chateau, the only catch was her and I had to go gambling at the Riviera for her comps. No problem
What happened was, she went straight to the Riviera and called and said she was tired. She'd meet up with us tomorrow. My gut told me, she wanted to gamble alone, so I wouldn't see how much she would spend. I was right.
We didn't see her until the last few hours before we had to leave for home on the plane. She again, even when we met up, kept disappearing on us.
Our goodbyes were spent at the valet of Circus Circus while we went our way and she and my nephew went to their hotel. That really did hurt, but I had washed my hands even before this of expecting anything from her.
It sounded good anyway.
So it is kind of ironic that the avenue this crap chose to manifest was in a gambling setting.

I just think there was a lot of hurt that I squashed down inside those two weeks.
I did keep thinking over and over what is wrong with me?? I know I kept thinking that and then I would push it away. I questioned how I spoke to her, how I reacted when she would talk down to me and how I felt so stupid and disrespected as a human being..let alone a sister.

But, like my dh said last night. My sister has a lot of demons to deal with that I don't even have a clue about. I know she stole almost $15 thousand from my mother (was my mother's inheritance that she gave to my sister to invest for her in some CD's in California) But my sis never put the $$ in any investments. Well, she did, but it was all in Nevada (Laughlin). My sister didn't even know my Grandmother, really (Gma lived here in Illinois and is my mom's mom). I moved here in 1987 to be close to her and eventually took care of her, because she was honestly closer to me than my own mother.
That is why she has nothing to do with my mother now. Because my mother was so angry with her that she never got anything back but a few thousand of the 20K she gave her to invest. Anyway, long story short, they had a fall out-my sis refused to give any money back, so my mom was going to take her to court and my sis was so appaulled at the notion of this, she wrote my mom off. Totally.
So, to make a long story even longer, I just can't imagine what shame she lives with because of her gambling addictions. If I suffered so badly from a feeling of such low self esteem to the point that I was throwing up last night on the way home, I can only imagine what she must feel so deep down inside. She truly isn't a bad person at all.. just seems so lost, but yet so together on the outside.

So yeah, my heart aches for her so badly. It is almost like she is unreachable at all on any kind of a personal level..not with family anyway.

*sigh* But I really do realize this, and all of it came out last night while I was talking with my dh. I am so glad he was there and I told him today over and over how much I appreciated him listening and talking with me last night.

Like i said, I still haven't slept. Today was my first day back to work (yay!), which honestly I have TRULY missed these last four weeks. It is good to feel as though I am making a difference in my own kind of way. I also received notification today that I "won" the election by votes for a seat on the Board of Directors of our Chamber of Commerce! I was asked if I would be interested, but they didn't tell me it was a full out election with votes from all of the Chamber members! arrrghh. So that was some uplifting news today!

The day did get a lot better. I feel so much better. I still feel like crap about what happened, but not nearly as "end of the world" as it was last night. However, I refuse to forget how I felt or let it get smoothed over. I will NOT let my mind push it away so it can happen again! But, more importanly, I really need to learn how to deal with those things that really bother me so it doesn't manifest in the same way, just a different avenue, kwim?

Thanks again ladies.. Sorry to dump again!

I am swearing off any family vacas that involve having to deal with crappy feelings tho for the rest of this year, barring an emergency with my uncle, I won't be going back to Cali, or to see my sister anytime soon. Actually, it will be her turn next time to come see me Iwhich has never happened in 21 years!). And considering I haven't heard from her since we parted ways in Vegas, (even though I have texted, sent her a thank you gift in the mail, etc), I doubt very seriously that will ever, ever, happen.

OMG. it's a freaking book. I am sorry!!!! Thanks for letting me dump!

Kathy the fact that you have worked this out in your head and figured things out shows your strength, insight, and intelligence. And with a man like that by your side you cannot lose!

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Kathy thanks so much for sharing your novel with us whew alot of typing something I do alot..lol... anyway sweetie I am glad to hear from you and others are also and like I said before stop being so hard on yourself after all we are only human and we all make mistakes.. I sincerely hope you get a better sleep tonite and offer a prayer for things to better for you all around and also yes you have a wonderful dh cherish him ... Peace and hugs Catherine