I will try to make this as easy to understand as possible. I have a single parent male friend with a mid-teenage son. His son and my son are in a school function together..

Last night, during a function where all the kids ( peers) were gathered...my friend "Frank" started to berate his son " Jeff"..LOUDLY...VERY, no..make that EXTREMELY angry tone of voice...slamming things..raising his voice...body language, etc.

Frank was upset with Jeff for not letting him know about parent teacher conferences that were held that day. Frank IMHO..had a right to be upset with Jeff about that...HOWEVER..IMHO he did NOT have to be SCREAMING at Jeff while all of his PEERS were within earshot..btw..many adults were witness to this as well.

Jeff looked like he wanted to melt into the floor. Frank becomming more agitated by the minute. I could no longer stand by and say nothing.

I walked over to Frank, who, like I said, was I considered him a pretty good buddy- friend of mine..I held my hands up to my face like horse blinders so no one could see I was speaking to him. I stood between he and Jeff.

I whispered to Frank that he *REALLY SHOULD* not use this time to vent..he was yelling at Jeff in FRONT of his classmates..embarrassing him to no end..he should check his anger and save it for when he is calmer and they are at home.

Frank then TURNED ON ME..Screaming, spitting almost he was so upset..telling me to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS. Do not tell him how to RAISE HIS KID thank you very much. on and on...then he slammed outside.

I went back to a mom I was talking with before I went over to Frank. She said to me that when a man and son were arguing..it was man's business. I should not have interfeared. I disagreed. I think it bordered on child abuse.

was I wrong ?

__________________
Live, Love, Laugh

No, you did the RIGHT thing. I would have done the same. He made it everyone's business when he did that so publicly. If it was none of your business, or none of anyone's business, he should have not made a big public display. What an ass. Can I say that on here?

No, you were not wrong. Fridayrules, yes, he was an ass. That kind of behavior is verbal abuse. Sounds like Frank has anger issues he needs help with. It's one thing to be angry with your child and quite another to scream at them in public with demeaning words. Plus, the fact he turned on you the same angry way...he wouldn't be my friend for long. There is a commercial that runs here that is about this same issue. Mom is yelling at her children and another mother intercepts trying to calm the yelling mom down and help out. It's a commercial for trying to prevent child abuse. Man, woman...doesn't matter. Just like if a man were yelling at a woman, slapping her, demeaning her...most people think that's abuse and may try to stop it. Turn the tables and it's a woman demeaning, slapping and yelling at a man and more think "wimp" than abuse. It's abuse no matter who is doing it.

I really feel for the son I grew up with a kid whose parents (both) did that kind of thing. He ended up moving out and getting emancipated at 16 and lived with various friends. He turned out OK but I fear what he might have become had he stayed at home

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I feel horrible for that boy. I sincerely hope his Dad isn't physically abusive as well. I think that you did the right thing. You went to the defense of that boy, and you should never question yourself when your defending a child. It's just the mother in you...

I think you did the right thing too. To bad the dad then took it out on you, but at least he stopped yelling at his son.

I don't think what you did was wrong, but I probably would have handled it differently. I'd have assumed that if he was in 'hot head mode' that he'd probably go 'reactionary' if called on it. I'd have thought of a way to distract him - needed his help with something and called him over, etc. - and then the next day called him up and said, "Hey Frank, I've been thinking about last night, and felt like I needed to give you a call. I don't blame you for wanting to be made aware of a teacher's conference, but I've never seen you react like that and wondered if something is wrong and if there is something we can do to help...."

I'd say anything that would diffuse - rather than escalate - the scene is a 'right move'.

If he was speaking vehemently to the boy but quietly, then maybe it would not have been any one else's business....but once he inflicted himself on the whole group by his loudness, then it became your and everybody else's business. You seemed to have approached him as gently as possible...but people like that who lose control cannot be talked to .

Interesting to hear how he will react when you see him again

__________________
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

It sounds like the Dad made an ass out of himself, if anything it made the group feel sorry for the son. I appreciate that you tried to intervene. As mentioned above, you did get him to stop berating his son, too bad it was at your expense.

You know the phrase... "No good deed goes unpunished"

I think you handled it very well.

__________________
Mary

The father was wrong, and appears unable to own up to it. Sounds like he could use some anger management skills.

__________________
We're off to never never land

The man was having a tantrum, so I would not have escalated it as the OP did. Instead, I would have used the same technique that I'd use with a toddler...diversion.

cj/

__________________
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Wow, if that is how the father acts in public I don't want to imagine how he acts in private.

__________________
Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

While I agree he shouldn't have behaved in the manner toward his son. I disagree it borders on child abuse.Op I'm a little confused. where were ya ll at and why were all the kids there ? was this at the school ?.
I don't know why or what might had set the father off, and we may never know. I know the father was wrong to have spoken to his son in this manner and there's just no other way to try and excuse him doing so,but have you ever seen the father do this before ? is this his normal behavior ? could this be one of those OMG I SCREWED UP, LOST CONTROL ,SHOWED MY ASS parent moments for him?.Maybe something terrible happen at work and he was told he would be getting his pink slip soon, or he just had a really bad day at work and while not meaning or wanting too his just let everything turn lose and it just happen to be a the wrong time and wrong place.

If this man is a good man he may have apologized to his son that night and explained what was going on that day and knew he was wrong for turning on him that way ( we may never know if this did or didn't happen later that night)
Since you didn't state the father is normally like this I'm taking it this was just one of em OMGISULCSMA moments...

While I think your heart was in the right place I also think you shouldn't had said anything to the man. The man only turned on you and really nothing changed by you saying anything to him.
I hope the boys will not suffer because of the father's rage with you now.
who knows maybe the man next time he sees you will say thank you for pointing out he was wrong to act that way to his son.

I feel sorry for the son.
I agree it is abuse!
Verbal abuse can hurt too. This boy had to feel bad.

eh....this one could go either way.
Maybe Dad had a bad day or this was just the final straw in a long list of "things" that the son had forgotten.

Would I have said something? Yeah, *I* probable would have. I'm not exactly known for keeping thoughts to myself!
And I probably would have said "hey Frank? You're making a scene and embarrassing yourself. Can you cool it or take it private?" (again I'm not known for mincing words...)
Were you wrong? There really isn't a pat answer...

I would suggest that you reach out to Frank and let him know that you weren't trying to tell him how to raise his child. Let him know that you were concerned for him and for Jeff.

__________________
Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I feel so sorry for this kid to be so embarrased by his Dad. I think you did what your heart told you to do at the time which was try to help becasue sometimes people are in such a rant they need to be woken up.
Is he is a good buddy then I would call him up and talk to him maybe explain whay you did what you did. He may be in a much calmer state of mind right now and realize what a jackass he was being.
It's hard because people are under so much stress right now that we really don't know what he is personally going through. However he shouldn't have done this to his kid under any circumstances and should have explained at home why he was so upset.

__________________

Without Health you have no Wealth!

I think you overstepped your boundaries. The guy was already angry and you just made it worse by getting in his face. (Plus that probably embarrassed the teenager even more).

I would have waited until afterwards and talked to him about it. The way you handled didn't help matters. He ended up just getting angry with you, too.

Maybe dad was having a bad day and things happened that morning in their house that you knew nothing about. Maybe this was the 'last straw' and dad couldn't tolerate the son not informing him of things he needed to be aware of.

We don't know the whole story.

In hindsight, yeah, you escalated it, but at least he left and stopped yelling. Right or wrong is hard to tell. I guess if it was me, I wouldn't have done the whole hand thing, as it's pretty obvious what you're doing anyway. I probably would have just yelled, "Shut up, Frank! No one wants to hear it." Which also would have escalated it, but maybe he would have realized what an ass he was making of himself.

__________________
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

I think you did the right thing. It was actually rather brave of you! It's easy to Monday morning quarterback on this but you reacted to try and protect a child. Nothinig wrong with that!

Those of you who dont think this is child abuse..did you read what the OP said? The father was ..berating the boy in public..in front of his peers. As a teenager that is a horrible experience! I have been there myself as a teenager and to me its blantant abuse. I wonder if you would put up with hubby, friend or neighbor screaming at you in a store, church, or any public place? I had dealt and still do with my hubby doing that in public places..not a good feeling at all. This man like my hubby has a short temper and easily sets off at the most little of things.

I dont think the OP escalated anything either.. she may have stopped something more serious. If the father was slamming things and throwing a fit in public that means he lost all rationality and could have done more harm if the OP hadnt have stepped in...
I truly wonder what this poor boy puts up with at home...

__________________
Paula
Some days are diamonds Some days are stone

http://paulajc.mycoupons.com/

I also wonder what the boy puts up with at home. It may be much worse at home. I think you did a brave and correct thing. It diverted him until he could get out of there and calm down. Have you asked your son if he has seen this type of behavior before or heard the boy mention anything about a his dad having a temper. Has your son seen the boy with bruising on more than one occasion. A tantrum like that is a big warning sign.

I think you did the right thing. You TRIED to diffuse the situation. You saw something going on that was abusive and wrong. Maybe you could have directed the dad's attention elsewhere, but you had the guts to step in and TRY to do SOMETHING!!! You had to make a quick decision. I think that it was wonderful that you tried to stop what was going on. I think a lot of you because you tried! Way to go!!

A little off topic here -- I had a woman scream at me at my library job last week. She left her 4 year old alone in the childrens room which you can not do. It is even in the library rules of conduct. The child was crying and afraid. When I found the mom, she started screaming at me "that her child was fine and she wasn't alone as the mom was in the library" Our library is huge. She screamed at me quite a bit. I didn't do or say anything wrong but boy I sure felt attacked. I wasn't embarrassed as I knew I had done the right thing for the child, and it was required by my job. The low life mom was way out of line.

Then I thought - wow. Is this how my teenage son feels when I rant against him once in awhile???? That was eye opening for me. No one deserves to be hollered at. I'll learn a lesson from what happened to me.

Hugs,

__________________
Donna

You are in the South. Things are a lot different there than other parts of the country. I would not have stepped in, and I think your friend might have been right when she said "what is between a father and son...."

I think you should have left it alone.

__________________
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
~ Winston Churchill

In respect towards someones question earlier..this was in a school setting, in a hallway off the gym..his peers so close they were actually walking between the two.

How he acted the next time I saw him...I saw Frank 2 days ago at the school. I ignored him. He said goodbye to me as I walked out the door, but I did not say a word to him..yes, I know , sort of childish on my part.

Later I heard he had a bad day..his truck broke down on the way to school, he and Jeff had to walk a good mile in the cold...his dog was hit and killed by a car that afternoon...and Jeff had an ER visit that night for being hit in the mouth with a baseball. He needed stitches.

So, I felt bad for him. I ran into him at a basketball game later that night and said I was sorry to hear his dog was killed ( I did not know about the other stuff yet ). We hugged. He said he was right, I said no, I still thought he was wrong..we agreed to disagree..

__________________
Live, Love, Laugh