I come from a blended family.. I have a step bro and sis.
The s-b has a wife and a nearly 5 yo son.

The boy... is in a nearly all girl pre-K. Which definately influences his desire to play with Barbie's and watch "girl" type shows. He has an obsession with Barbie's., which the parents are supporting. Bows have to be on JUST right or full tamptrums take place, if the bow moves... be prepared for outbursts. But.... here is the concern.. At my parents.. they have a playroom and it has all toys mixed together. When I went in to clean up after my daughter.. all but one of the barbies had been torn apart. Not just a leg out of socket, but the heads broken off. Granted these Barbies.. have been played with by 5 Gdaughters and Barbies tend to loose their newness after 15 minutes of brushing their hair He had the "newest" barbie.

The nephew is a hitter, and kicker and the parents always have an excuse as to why he is doing it. Acting out, because they forgot a blanket, mad that they didn't bring "his" sippy and he would have to use the extra's that my parents keep. Any behavior is blamed on someone else.
The big boys not "letting" him tear there legos apart. You can hear the other kids asking NICELY ... Please stop, don't hit me. etc.

I have been very fortunate that my 2boys , 9 and 7 yo have never been hitters or aggressive towards the cousins.

We all are biting our tongues... and thinking his behavior is so far off that it is concerning.

Yes, we have strongly considered that he is just a brat, becasuse his parents let him get away with everything..... but we are all questioning if there is not something underlying with his acting out.

So the ???
Would you bring up concerns? or just let them keep blaming everyone else?

Josie

To answer your question, OP, yes I would say something to the parents. That does not sound like anywhere near "normal" behavior to me. Good luck.

Is he an only child? I know not all only children are little monsters, but my nephew is an only child and when he was younger he just lacked the general social skills my kids had. He didn't have to learn to share, and didn't have the skill set to deal with conflict the way kids with siblings do. Now that he's older it's better. . .but he is still very self-centered and well. . .spoiled.

As far as saying anything. . .that's always tough. You won't get anywhere with his parents unless they are already noticing these problems themselves. HOWEVER you are his aunt, and if it was me, I would deal with him directly. If he's hitting. . .tell him hitting isn't allowed and if he continues no one will play with him or he must stop playing in the playroom with the other kids etc. He will run to his parents and whine about it. . .I know. . .that's what my nephew would do. But it really seemed the most effective thing to do. . .his parents knew deep down that you were correct. Even if they won't tell him not to hit the other kids, they won't tell him it's ok to continue to hit when somebody else corrects him on it, because they know down deep that the behavior isn't ok.

__________________
"No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?"
- George Orwell Animal Farm

I think that his behaviour is normal for the way that he is being raised. If he is never corrected when he misbehaves, he will continue to do whatever he wants. After all, he's the center of the universe. You have every right to correct this child when you observe him mistreating your children or damaging property.

As far as playing with Barbies goes, most boys will play with girl's toys and girls with boy's toys until about the age of 6. That's what my son's kindergarten teacher told me. If he still plays with Barbie, I still wouldn't worry about it. He'll learn to hide it.

My son had a friend who played with Barbies exclusively at that age and grew up to be gay. I wasn't surprised.

If you decide to speak to the parents, choose your words carefully. It is likely that they will be met with resentment.

Yes, he is an only child.
The concern is the meltdowns and destruction of toys. The meltdowns are severe, not just a tantrum.

When we were all there at T-day. All 4 siblings, spouses and total of 10 gkids..
We had A "boy" movie and a "girl" DVD The Boys all wanted Wall'E and the girls wanted Tinkerbell. He wanted to watch Tbell and the response was.. well the big boys haven't been nice to him. My 9 yo said "its hard to be nice... he wont stop hitting me." Their answer is always the same... Include him when you play." "he's only 4" "it doesn't really hurt. He's not that strong".

Heck, my baby can kick with her shoes while i'm pushing the cart and that hurts when she is just playing!!

It truly is the destruction aspect hat has us concerned.
No one wants to say anything.. because there is not much of a relationship there.
But..... I can't imagine the life the kid is going to have, if they don't address his behaviors. He starts K in the fall and the little boys are going to make him miserable.

Josie

I would not say a WORD to the parents!! They will not take it very well and I don't think it will help the boy any to do that.You have every right to correct him when he is at your house playing, he has to obey your rules and that is the perfect opprotunity.

And all boys are different, just because the other boys haven't done this, doesn't mean it's not normal. My nephew never did anything out of line, but that doesn't seem normal to me either.

It could be a phase he's going through and when he gets to school things will be dealt with because the teachers are not going to put up with that. The destruction is not anything to worry about IMO, some kids take things apart, some kids escape the house, some kids have tantrums. He's not being destructive like lighting things on fire, he's trying to figure out how thing work, it's normal developement.

And if he only has things he can't play with then of course he's going to get into trouble? 9 and 7 yr olds like Legos and he doesn't have the coordination or creativity to do that yet, so he's going to tear them apart, it's all he knows how to do. What do you have for a 4 year old to play with? How about puzzles? Playdoh? SOmething for him to do, he's not 7 his ability is limited.

Instead of trying to figure out how to talk to the parents, figure out what you can do to help him? Why is he behaving like he is? Looks like he has nothing better to do?

__________________
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

If this kid is taught that it's everyone else's fault all the time, he'll grow up with a victim mentality (poor me - it's not my fault - it's everyone else). Remember that old phone company commercial where these kids had watched their H.S. marching band friend on a T.V. performance - the watching friends said, "You did great - how come the rest of the band went the wrong way?"

Being an effective parent only gets harder as they get older - when do they plan on stepping in, anyway? And what makes them think that laying down the law when the kid is 8...12...15 will actually be met with respect, when the kid wasn't expected to have any self-control at the age of 5? Sheesh!

I think kindergarten will be a reality check. If you don't say something (and probably even if you do!) he and his parents are going to learn that their kid's rules don't apply in the real world. He'll have to pay for bad choices. For the reasons you mentioned, I think I'd just let life teach this particular lesson, and I'd keep my boys out of the picture as much as possible until he does learn. When you have to come face to face, give your own kids the preamble to tell an adult quickly and loudly if the kids becomes unsafe/destructive.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Good point about the victim mentality. My nephew has that. . .very annoying. But they are used to being the center of the universe and if they don't get their way and the parents aren't doing anything for them to understand that everyone else in the world isn't going to share that opinion it can become difficult for the child. This will definitely get dealt with when he goes to kindergarten. If he's smart he will learn and adjust very quickly, let's hope that's the case.

As far as the destructive behavior you are talking about, I tend to agree with the poster that said at 4 that can be a normal behavior. He is exploring his world and trying to figure things out. My youngest used to tear paper into teeny-tiny little pieces at that age. . .ugh! But she saw it as being creative. If the destruction is targeted at being purposely malicious. . .like I don't like you so I'm going to break your toy. . I would be more concerned. . .but even then, kids don't always know how to deal with what they are feeling and act out in weird ways sometimes. This is probably especially true for him not having to deal with siblings and his parents' attitude towards his behavior.

The Barbie thing. . eh. It's funny because I never bought into the whole being born gay thing until I started teaching. Sometimes there is just THAT kid. There is no denying it. Even though they don't really have any sexual awareness at that age it is clear where their gender identity lies. My son had a little boy in his class that he idolized because he was so smart. He was a delightful child too. . .but liked to play with the girls and only liked girl toys. When my son got invited to his birthday party I just bought him a general neutral gift. . .some animal books and a puzzle, which he liked. I wouldn't fret about that too much. If he does grow up to be gay, as long as he is loved and accepted that's what counts.

__________________
"No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?"
- George Orwell Animal Farm

I don't think I'd bother with the parents, they obviously don't see a problem.

We had a similar problem with my nephew hitting my kids-mine are two years apart and he was two years younger than my youngest. He is a very scrappy, physical kid and mine are not. His parents wouldn't do anything about it or if they did, they didn't follow through on the punishment. I could do something if I was standing there-and by doing something I mean I would send him to his parents to tell them what he did-but I didn't want to have to stand over them all the time.

OK, so what I finally did-and I know this will make me very unpopular, but I would do it again-I told both of my kids that if he hit them that they were to warn him once and then the next time they were to hit him back, twice as hard. I told them to be careful that they didn't overdo it and that they didn't cause any permanent damage but that they were to hit him just like he hit them.

He hit each of them only twice more and that was that. He got the warning, he got the hit back, he got the point. In my mind, he got the natural consequence of his actions.

Have you tried talking to him? If his behavior is bad, try explaining why it's bad and what you are going to do if it continues and then do it. Tell him you know that being a good boy is hard sometimes but that you are sure that he can do that if he really tries. I know impulse control is a problem, so you might have to have a talk about things more than once, but be sure and praise him when he does things correctly too. Sometimes, an outside force is much more effective than anything a parent can do. I realize you don't want to be on playtime watch when you are around him, but it seems like someone should be, at least until he gets a little more mature. You could be a real friend to this little boy. I think he might need one, given his parents lack of control.

I grew up with a boy like this. As soon as I knew what "gay" was (other than *happy*), I KNEW he was gay. I think I was 7 or 8. I never said a word to him about my thoughts...thinking he would "come out" as a teen. Nope...he can out at 26. I found him on myspace and he asked me "are your surprised?" (I hadn't seen him/talked to him since I was 19). I told him that I knew when he was 8

Back to OP, I don't know if I would say anything to the parents who seem content to let him be master of his universe. When I grew up, I was taught to warn and then hit them back (as someone else said). Not hurt them but let them know I wasn't going to put up with their crap. Amazing how quickly the hitting stops. Just like if a child bites you. Bite them back and I bet they don't do it again Some thinks it's wrong but it's worked in my life with how I was raised.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Take your kids home and never let a bully hit them.

No, I don't think he sounds "normal. He sounds like a spoiled, selfish brat who needs a good @ss whoopin! I'm not one for violence, so don't flame me for that last comment...but something needs to be done. He's used to getting his way and he knows that his actions have no consequences. Sippy cup and blanket at age 5? It sounds like they definitely baby him. I would definitely express my concerns to his parents...especially since it has affected you...with your kids being bullied. The playing with the Barbies thing wouldn't cause me to raise an eyebrow...no more than a girl who loved playing with dump trucks. I don't think that should be a concern at all. ~Lisa