I just found out that one of my friends that I've been friends with since we were teenagers has terminal colon cancer. We live in the same town and see each other off and on, talk on the phone, etc. But our teen group in our church from the '70's, well, we were just really close and are still close -- it's like there's a bond with all of us.

I talked to her husband today on the phone and asked him why they hadn't told anyone and he said she was embarrassed by the type of cancer she had and didn't want anyone to know! That's why she has kept it quiet. She's already had surgery and chemo. She had a stroke about 11 years ago and didn't go out a lot anyway, so not seeing her was nothing new. The doctors have given her 3 to 6 months to live.

He told me today that she cries whenever he tries to leave for work and hasn't worked for 3 weeks. I told him I would come next week to visit with her so he could have a break. I thought I would make a meal of maybe a roast and potatoes to take. Maybe he could eat on it for a few days. And maybe make her some sort of soup. I could tell he really appreciated me calling. We both ended up crying before the phone call ended. He said he would tell her I called, so obviously she's not able to come to the phone.

I have never dealt with a friend in the end stages of cancer. Those of you who have dealt with this, could you please help me in what to do and what to say? Do I bring her some magazines to read? A book? Or just be there as a friend and sit with her?

She's only 51. Her kids are in their late teens, early 20's. No sisters, brothers, mom and dad dead.

Thanks so much.

I am sorry that about your friend. I would just listen to her, sit with her, tell her that you will be there to help her children/husband when she is gone. Talk about the old days, the good memories.

sometimes just being there is enough. You don't need to talk, you don't need to bring magazines, you don't need to entertain her, just be there--sit hold her hand.

I'm so very sorry for your friend and for you.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

just being able to sit with her and giving her husband a break will be sooooooo appreciated.Even throwing in a load of laundry or picking up is appreiciated.We went thru this last year with my dad and the littlle things our neighbors did will never be forgotten

You can tell her that you are so sorry. Ask her what you can do for her.

Maybe just being there is enough. I am so sorry for you and for her and her family.

She could help others by letting them know about colon cancer. We all hate those colonoscopys ....... but they are so very important.

Aw hon so sorry to hear this sad very sad news about your dear friend. The best advice I can offer is to spend as much quality time as possible and also if your friend has any special requests that you perhaps can help her with would be very nice. I would suggest if she is up to it to perhaps rent some of her favorite movies and get her some of her favorite foods to eat. Also if there are some other friends in your close circle perhaps you can just hang out and all be together to share some good food and much laughter. A sincere prayer to your friend and her family, that she may not suffer. And finally mom2twins2 a sincere shoulder of hugs to you because I feel your pain and suffering may God bless you for being a wonderful friend.. Peace. catherine

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Very sad news at any age.
I would suggest that you ask her husband what she can or will eat, order a dinner in for all of y'all. Find out what her fav movie is and rent it. Make it a 'special night' for all.Part of me wants to view pictures of you two growing up and part of me says thats not a good idea as it might go over as being the end. I would just be there for her, hold her hand and of course be her shoulder when she cries. Bring to her husband some dinners that SHE too will eat and this will keep her husband form having to cook for her and reheat for him. A "snack basket" is always nice too. this keeps him from getting those late night cravings and having to leave for a store.Honey I really don't know what to tell you I have never dealt with a friend dying only family members. In those cases with family we just took turns visiting, watching movies and going over memories.

mom2twins2 May I suggest something to you tho. I wouldn't put off going to see her next week, you should go now if all possible. My 1st cousins son had cancer 6 months ago . I had promised to make the drive to visit him that Sunday, But he died that Friday. I never got to see him nor tell him I loved him and that I would be there for his family. I have quilt this till this day. Also my cousin - (His dad) Had just went back to work the day before and he too is eat up with quilt because he wasn't there when Casey died.Like your friend they gave Casey 3-6 months to live, Casey died 5 weeks to the day after being DX with cancer.I'm not trying to quilt you into going sooner, all I'm saying is no one knows when we'll be called home.

Again I'm so sorry .

My friend had cancer and she said the most valuable thing that she got were daily phone calls. She said she never knew how wonderful a phone call was until she got sick.
When you visit her perhaps you would like to bring some pictures to" remember when". If you have no pictures of her from that time take pictures from when you were younger and say do you remember whan the styles were...whatever...and how cool we thought we looked. Just be there for her and if she wants to talk about dying be a "ear" for her to talk to.
Blessing and prayer are going to you and your friend.

I'm so sorry to hear the news. I'm sure that anything you do will be appreciated. God Bless.

I have a friend with stage iv breast cancer. She told me the best thing people can do is whatever they can think of to help. It is too hard for her to think of things for them to do because she doesn't want to burden them. Here are some things people have done for her:
- Cleaned all or part of her house
- Made meals
- Took her out on short trips (your friend is probably not up for that, but maybe take her for a drive if she's interested?)
- Just hang out with her and talk
- Phone calls

Hope this helps...best wishes to you, your friend, and her husband

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

I am so sorry about your friend. Its sounds like you are a very wonderful person, and I am sure just being there for her will be of help. Giving her hubby a break is also a good idea. Sometimes, just being able to share memories and trying to understand can help ease the pain. Maybe not the physical pain, but some of the mental pain she must be feeling. My thoughts are with you and your friend....

One thing to remember after she's gone is to still keep in touch with her dh. You find out who your true friends are months after a spouse dies. Two of my dad's friends died. He still calls and talks to their wives, goes out to eat with them and makes sure they are ok still. He's not a talk on the phone kind of person but recently spent over an hour on the phone with one of them who was having a bad day.

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I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

I think that you just going over there and showing her that you care is awesome. I think your idea for making some food for the family is great too. Just being there probably means more than you'll ever know.

When I know someone going through a hard time, I make up a little gift basket and take it to them. I usually include about 30 small wrapped gifts. Inside each one, I tuck a little note or inspiration. I tell the person to open one a day, or whenever they think they need a little boost. It can be something as simple as a small tube of toothpaste or little votive candle. Sometimes, I include a gift card for pizza or gas...knowing that money is tight.

I know that making the effort is hard on you. Just know that you are appreciated!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

Been there.

The worst, worst thing you can do is have a "pity party". Just be upbeat and positive when you see her. Don't talk about the illness unless she brings it up. In short, treat her as normally as you can.

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Mary

I would just go for a nice visit and play it by ear. If she wants to talk about the cancer, talk with her about the cancer. If she wants to talk about the past, talk about the past. Ask her what you can do for her. If she says nothing, tell her that you will be doing something and would rather do something she would enjoy rather than something that might annoy her. Just by talking to her you should be able to figure out what she might like or dislike. She may enjoy books on tape if she doesn't feel strong enough to hold a book and read. A nice smelling candle (only burning while someone is with her) might calm her and help her to relax.
If she cannot get to her home phone, get her a cell phone. (I think you can get one for a short period of time, can't you?).Does she like flowers? A good joke?
Just because she is in her last stage of life doesnt mean she won't still like the things she has always liked.

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Thanks so much for all of your replies. They mean so much to me.

I actually saw her yesterday at our local hometown drug store. I was sitting in the car waiting for DH to come out and saw my friend's husband pull up. I talked to him and found out she was in the truck! I asked him if I could see her and he said 'sure'. So while our husbands were in the drug store, I went over to talk to her. OMG, I was shocked! She actually looked like death. She just stared into space. I walked up to the truck and tapped on the window and said "Hey, girl!" She put the window down and smiled and said 'What are you doing?" I just talked about everyday things. She talked too but not as much as she used to. I told her I was coming to visit her this week and she said she wanted me to. It was really sad just seeing her like this. I then said to her, "Carol, you really feel bad, don't you?" and she said, "I'm just so tired -- so tired." Her husband came back and the three of us talked about when to come. I told him I was bringing a roast and potatoes and he said he hadn't had a homecooked meal in so long. Carol said she could eat whatever. I told her then she hadn't changed any! She'd always been like that. The conversation went really well.

One of the girls that works at the drugstore saw me talking to them and came out and talked to me after they had left. I asked her if she knew when her surgery had been and she told me that it was at the end of November and that the doctors basically just sewed her back up -- cancer was everywhere. The chemo treatments will keep her alive a few more months.

And I DO have pictures of us from our teen years. Lots of them. I have an entire album of our youth group!! I'm going to take it with me. I'll probably end up bringing it every time I visit. Those pictures are so much fun to look at!!!

Gosh, this has really changed my outlook on life. I think so many times we take so much for granted.

Thanks, everyone, for all your help. I knew I could count on you to help me out. I'm sure I'll be posting again after our visit. I'm going on Tuesday.

OK, as a person who has had cancer and been undergoing chemo for the last 18 months, I can answer this one.

Do not ask "What can I do?".... just DO! Call, and say I want to bring dinner, is tonight or tomorrow night better? Or bring some pre-made meals to stock her freezer. Ask if she is feeling up for a lunch out...offer to treat. Pick a specific date, don't leave a general idea out floating.

Books, magazines, movies... show up and take the kids one day. It's good for them AND her.

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Forgiveness is love in its most noble form. -Anonymous

haynes94, how are you?!
I haven't forgotten about you

The doctors may say 3 to 6 months but they are not always right. We have a friend that was told that but he is still around 8 years later. My sister had kidney cancer which then went to her lungs. Again she has been fighting but 9 years later she is still here.

You might try to talk her into letting your old group know. If you all take a day to stay with her, she can have someone around until the end and her husband can perhaps go to work once in a while or do other things that need doing.

Did you all have some favorite music? She might find the noise annoying, but if she doesn't, then the two of you could listen to some of the old favorites while you look at all your old photos. Find out what her favorite foods are and see if she has any interest in eating it. Get something humorous to read. Laughing can be a great medicine. Does she have any old family/friend home movies? She would probably enjoy seeing them in small doses. She may be cold. Find her a pretty knit hat and blanket to wrap herself in.

By all means, change her sheets and launder them when you are there. That may be something that isn't getting done as often as it should be. Ask if you can clean out their refrigerator. I'm assuming her husband is like mine and never throws anything away that isn't covered in mold. You might keep them all from food poisoning. I would not take flowers without asking first, because she might have a problem with the aromas. But there is nothing cheerier than a big vase of daffies or tulips this time of year.

But most of all, just listen and be ready to hold her when she cries.

Haynes
Good luck with your treatment. You are a wonderful person and I love seeing your posts.

So good to see you on here. Thanks for your great insight. That's exactly what I'm doing, too! I'm not waiting -- I'm just doing. I remember when I've had my medical problems, our former pastor's wife would call and say, "I'm bringing pizza down NOW." And she would!! She didn't stay but just a minute or so but that pizza and short visit sure helped so much. And my boys loved it!

I'm hanging in-- how about you? Are you still doing treatment??

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Forgiveness is love in its most noble form. -Anonymous

This may be totally off base since I have never dealt with something like this before and it isn't really for your friend but for her family and future grandchildren. You may want to think about making an album or writing down things about her, stories about her, so it can be shared with family members who will not have gotten a chance to meet her.

My father's mother died when he was 18 and I was given a locket that she had said she wanted given to her first granddaughter. It made me feel so special to think that she had thought of me before I was even here.

I am not sure of your friend's state of mind but maybe she would like to leave some sort of written message to her grandchildren and you could help her with that.

If she is not up to it or it would be too upsetting maybe you could do it on your own and give it to the family after she is gone.

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Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

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