I am ready to scream and will make this as short as possible. As you all know on Jan. 30, I lost my youngest brother in an accident. He was one day away from moving out and away from his wife, but since they were still "legally married" she had all the control. She told us horror stories of how he passed, which we later found out from law enforcement and the funeral director the truth. when we told her what we were told, she blew it off and said 'well I know in my heart how it happend" My family and I knew that we were going to have problems with his wife, but never expected this. First of all he was only her husband for 2 years, he was ours for 27 years. We asked her for a 1in by 1 in urn of ashes for my dad since it was his son and she said no, so we asked for a speck of the ashes for a pendant for my dad and again she said no. She claims she wouldn't be able to rest because he wasn't whole then at the memorial service the funeral home made a beautiful slide show of pictures of him and we had asked the funeral home if we could purchase a copy of the dvd (we were going to burn 2 copies, one for me and one for my brother and my dad would have the original) and we were infromed that the funeral home was given direct instructions from his wife that the family was not to have a copy of the dvd. All we have left are pictures that we have in our possession, she has all his belongings, baby pictures etc. Are we wrong for wanting a copy of the dvd?

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Hell no you're not asking too much! I realize everyone grieves in their own way and hopefully this woman finds it in her heart to ATLEAST give you a copy of the DVD after she mourns. Other than that I would (try) and take the high road and be there if she needs you. In a weird way, I can understand the ash thing. I'm not sure I'd want to "part-out" my husband, but, then again I'm not too big on cremation. I prefer to have the worms eat me Was your brother's wife always this weird? Or, is the stress causing her to go crazy? Good luck!

She has always been this way, that is why they were divorcing to begin with. She wanted him to have nothing to do with us because we all saw through her and how she was. We all kept telling him she was no good because she would drop hints that she was cheating. First of all they were only together for 4 weeks before she talked him into marriage. She went to wal-mart and bought the rings and told him that they were getting married, they did it in Virginia and no one knew until they came home. After that at a family party she told me, my step-mom and my other sister in law that she wanted to try speed dating i reminded her she was married and she made the comment that my brother was her "first husband" and that she was still young then she put my brother through hell with her pregnancy and after the birth of my nephew. my brother loved his son more than anything, he was always doing something and buying something for my nephew and she was jealous of the attention that the baby was getting and would threaten to take off with the baby so my brother couldn't see him. She basically had my brother's head so confused that he didn't know what else to do, he quit a good paying job to work closer to home because she claimed she couldn't care for the baby but then she complained that he wasn't making the money that he was over the road, she told him she didn't want us near the baby because of my job and she thought I would "find something" He finally had enough, got a place of his own and was filing for divorce and was going to move on with his life and then he had the accident. I have tried to be the better person and tried calling her a few times to see how she and the baby were and if the baby needed anything but she would just hang up and then she changed her number and sent us an email that said she did not think it would be appropriate for us to be a part of my nephews life because we will confuse him later on if she should re-marry he will think the new guy is daddy since he will have no memory of his dad since he is only 15 months old and if we are around he will be confused as to who we are. I am still going to remember my nephew on holidays, birthdays etc and just buy him bonds and hopefully when he is 18 I will find him again or he will find us

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

this is so sad. It reminds me of my brothers wife a lot except he is allowing it. I don't know my nieces or nephews and it is just truely sad. I am sorry your going through all this. It isn't fair. He was your brother and he was your parents son. How can asking for a dvd be to much? This lady needs to see a psyc.

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SAHM of Bailey 12, Tyler 10 , Emily Ann 6, and Ryan Matthew 4 yrs old.

Wow..I am so sorry that you are having to deal with such a sad situation. I just recently lost my only sibling, and its very difficult. Your brothers wife doesn't sound like a very caring person. I can't imagine her being so cold to your family. As for the urn, I don't think there was anything wrong with you asking for it. When my brother passed away, I had two heart shaped urns made up, one for me to keep and one of the young man he helped raise. I plan on taking my urn and placing it in the ground at my parents grave sometime this summer. We had his memorial in Florida, but I wanted to have something special for here in Maine.
I am a little surprised that the funeral home will not allow you to purchase a copy of the DVD. Who supplied all the pictures for the slide show?

I too am sorry you are dealing with this. I can understand her point on the urn though. I would want all the ashes together, not pieces of them here and there (unless they were all dumped at sea or on a mountaintop for example). The DVD....hopefully she'll come around after she mourns. Pity she gets off on adding more pain to an already painful situation

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Has your dad thought about filing for "grandparents visitation"? I think I would think about doing that, especially if she is going to keep you all away from him. I wonder if you could take her to court yourself and file for visitation rights.

I don't think you are asking too much. He was your brother. About the ashes, I think she should give you some. Did he donate his organs? If so, tell her he isn't whole. Besides, it's just a shell. His soul is in heaven. If all that fails, hire someone to break in her house and get the dvd's and ashes (of course that is a joke, or is it really)? lol.

This woman sounds like a total nut job. You know it is all about control on her part. She doesn't care about his ashes or the pictures, but being in a position to tell of you "No" gives her a feeling of impowerment. It's terribly sad, and if there is another means legally to obtain some things from her, I would jump on it.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

While I don't think you are asking too much, I do think that you are allowing this woman (and your ill will/bad feelings) to control the situation.
Legally she has a right to do all these things. Ethically and Morally it's a different story.
I agree that she's probably a B**CH, and a crazy one at that.
But unless you can prove that your brother intended to divorce her (hired an attorney, had the paperwork ready to go, they were legally separated, etc.) she is considered his legal next of kin. And unfortunately, many courts don't hold much stock in or recognize "Grandparent rights".

I truly am sorry that you and your family have to endure this woman and her vindictiveness in a time when you are mourning the loss of your brother. The loss of your brother was a tragedy, and could have prove to be the opportunity for this woman to reach out to you guys and mend some fences/make amends--if not for her sake and yours, but for the sake of the child. However, she didn't do that. Please don't let your hate and bad feelings become all consuming! Please try and get past the fact that she's being a horrible person.
If there are legal remedies to pursue, go that route. But, bear in mind that probably nothing is going to make this woman a better person. If you are granted access to the child, it will be an battle and the child will be caught in the middle.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

What a B&TCH!! I'm sorry that on top of your family's loss you have to deal with her too. I love that you're still going to remember the child. So many people would just write him off. I think that in the future he'll really appreciate that. I don't think that you were asking too much of his wife. It's obvious to me that she's just one huge vindictive control freak.

I understand why someone might not want to share the ashes if they feel that way but refusing to allow you to have a copy of the DVD is petty. I'm guessing that there's a lot of bad blood between you and the wife because giving direct instructions to the funeral home that the family is not allowed to have a copy of the DVD is a very vindictive move. The only reason to do it is to hurt the family. Maybe your brother let his wife know that you kept telling him she was no good.

If all of you kept telling him she was no good because she was cheating, then how can you be sure the child is really your nephew? I think it's nice that you want to buy bonds for him and find him when he turns 18 but how do you know that you aren't saving for her child with another man? If this woman is as promiscuous as you claim and was cheating, I think I'd want to be sure that my brother was really the baby's father.

I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Ashes and a DVD won't make the grieving easier. Your memories of him will though. Let her have the ashes and DVD. You have the best part. Memories of when he was happy!

Let the anger go. I know it's hard to do, but you are only hurting yourself. Your anger does nothing to her.
Would your brother want you to be angry or happy?

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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for bad hunter.

I am truly sorry for your loss and the inability to get the closure you want.

However, I think this is a situation where your family bad mouthing your brother's wife has likely contributed to the situation (made her vindictive?) and continuing to do so is not going to be helpful. I think susiecat's advice is right on. Let it go. Check in after awhile...

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

OP I'm sorry for your loss. And yeah your SIL sounds like a complete lowlife...petty witch.

Maybe your relatives can make a memorial dvd or video of your own or set up a memorial website with pictures & music for your family. Not because she refused to share the funeral DVD but because a dvd or video is a nice remembrance for many.

I am truly sorry for your loss. If you have or can get a video camera, I would suggest making vidoes for the boy to see when he is older. Tell him how much your family loves him and always will. Make SURE not to bad mouth his mother PERIOD on any of these. Try and gather as many pictures of your brother as you can from his life, and make the boy a photo albumn of his father. Write him lof the details and what the pictures were about - such as if he was a football player and had just made the winning play of the game. Keep making him videos, such as at holidays and let him know how much the family missed having him there. At SOME point he will want to contact his fathers family, and if you have stuff like this to give him at that point it wil mean the world to him - plus it will help you and you family deal with it's loss. I HOPE the mother will change her mind after she has time to calmn down, but sadly that does't sound like it will happen. When he gets old enough that she can't stop him he will want to know about his father, These are just some ideas, I am sure you can think of tons more things to add to it so that when he is ready you can have tons of info ready to give him so he can know who his father was.

I think making your own album is a good idea. And who knows? She might relent later and let you have a copy of the DVD. I'd give her some time before I asked again and let her cool down and stop caring about hurting you. She'll lose interest in you when she moves on and then she'll probably won't care if you have a copy.

Just another example of why you can't piss off in-laws. If I were in her shoes, I might not let you get what you want either. I feel sorrow for your loss and I surely feel sorrow for that baby, but there's not much you can do about it now. If you have anyone who is on her good side and can keep you informed of what is going on with her and the baby, it would be a good idea to ask them to help you keep track of her and the child.

In the meantime, for the baby's sake, perhaps an apology would help smooth out some hurt feelings. You don't have to mean it, but you do have to do it well enough for her to think you mean it. Apologize and then back away for a while and maybe just drop her a nice note once every few months. Don't push it, just a chatty note with no expectations, and stop bad-mouthing her because you never know who is going to repeat what you say about her. It may not work, but then again it might. And you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.

Good answer!
(I feel like I'm on Family Feud!)

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"