WIll try to make this short but may be hard too..My dad, 86, died about 4 months ago..He cared for my mom who has a neuro disorder as well as dementia issues..I have 2 other male sibs-one out of stae and one local.WHile my dad was alive, I was the one who did 80% of things my parents needed-meals, cleaing , doctor appointments etc..My mom has lived with my family (husband, twins 11 yo) since dec 4 and this is permanent, tho she has a house 1/2 hour away from me..She cannot do any of her ADLs herself, she can't walk alone as she will fall, we are up with her at night, and do everything else that needs to be done for her as many of you can relate..My local brother takes my mom to his house on Sunday for 7 hours..During the week he does not call and rarely visits despite living 10 minutes away.(He works from home, kids at college)..My husband works full time and I work 3 days a week-recently returned from 3 month FMLA..Anyways, after my dad died my husband (WHO takes great care of my mom), my husband spoke with my brother that we were going to take my parents car and bring it to our house as we did not have any reliable autos..He was fine with that..My dad's auto insurance expired feb 1 and the only way for me to insure it was to have title in my name..My mom hasn't driven for three years..I also did not want the insurance in my mom's name in case we were in an accident and a lawsuit would ensue and they would go after my mom's money she neeeds to live on if the title were in her name..I explained this to my mom..She truned over the title of the car to me..I then inusred the car tho it still was at their house.Meantime my brother's auto needs work..Not sure if he want s to buy another auto or fix this one..We offer to give him one of oour cars for free- old, 180,000 miles but with new muffler and we had just paid our neighbor 600 dollars to fix any issues..He didn't want..We asked mulitiple times..then my mom with her dementia issues wants the car back in her name..My brother tells my mom when she is at his house that we will go to the Sec of State and change..I tell my brother you can't be doing this without talking to me first..I then proceed to tell him the reasons I placed the title in my name..He says he didn't realize this and will talk it over with mom. This was last Sunday..This sunday my mom tells my brother that she wants the car instorage in her garage..My brother agrees to this..Calls me and demands the car be placed in storage..Accuses my husband of galavanting around in her car (I can't tell you the last time we had any free time to galavant by the way)..He demands a meeting to discuss the car with me , my mom and him..FIrst of all, my mom doesn't have the ability to make appropriate judgements-someone who lays in the halls in her underwear is not in right mind; she also demands to live at her home alone, says she is not taking her pills, not going to the dr etc..Do we cave in to these demands also?? He;s obviously over the last week become irritated with the fact that we have a "newer" auto, which we readily discussed with him over the last few months..We have sold our 180,000 mile auto as he didn't want it to buy him some time..I'm devastated my integrity is in question..I'm an honest individual..I'm not in this for the money or assets..We have taken "zero" money out of my mom's accounts for anything thus far, unless it was some item she wanted to buy-ie a top etc or her vitamins etc..We are to meet tomorrow without my mom..I told him it is inappropriate to involve my mom in this disucssion due to her dementia issues and lack of understand(she doesn't need to see this get heated)..

I have not had to go through anything like this, so I don't have any advice.

Just wanted to say that I am sorry for you and your hubby.

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I feel sorry for you going through this! My mom is in the exact shape yours is! My sister cares for her 24/7 lives with her in Mom's house. Thank goodness that we all know that SHE makes the decisions and not my MOM! We were so lucky that about a year before my Dad died, they went to the lawyers and got everything spelled out! What's so baffling to me though is how it's so hard for other people to realize someone with dementia cannot make their own decisions anymore. Dementia is a strange strange thing because often times they seem very sane(remembering what went on 50 years ago!) while other times they make NO SENSE whatsoever!

Maybe you should tell him that if he doesn't like how you are handling things then perhaps she could come live with him and he could make all the decisions and spend all his money to care of her! He's obviously jealous and thinks you are getting more than he is! UGH! This happens so often in families! I keep waiting for something major to go wrong in our family but so far everyone's being civil!

I'm not sure I have any answers, never having been put in this position. And unfortunately when my integrity is called into question I tend to be a bit of a knothead. But I can understand your anguish.
I have friends that are caregivers that have had to deal with similar sibling issues. The siblings always seem to think that it's "no big deal" adding the care of a parent to your family's life. And it never is a big deal until it's "your" life that is being worked around the caregiving.

Perhaps it's time for your brother to experience the day to day life dealing with your mothers care. How about a 3 months on, 3 months off deal with him.
Each of you set up a room in your home for your mother and she can be "shared'.

I really wish you luck and hope it can be worked out to everyone's satisfation.
However it works out, you get a big pat on the back for stepping up and taking care of your parents in the first place.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

You and both of your brothers need a sit down, friendly discussion. If your mom truly has dementia, then someone needs to pursue POA / possibly also HCS. I don't see how the car title got changed if she has dementia.

Anyway, the sit down would spell some things out, no matter how uncomfortable it may become. You are the primary caregiver and feel, and I am saying this nicely: that YOU are putting forth almost all the effort and the other 2 don't get it. I am sure they don't.

Tell them methodically and unemotionally what you/your family has been doing in order to make sure mom is safe. Have a suggested plan for all 3 of you to participate in and agreet too. Also, be perpared to listen objectively to their concerns to work toward the best end result for mom.

Keep receipts for anything you pay out of her money in case that becomes an issue. Good luck.

dl

Why not tell your brother that you would not mind transferring the car to his name and insurance but that you do not think the car should be stored at a vacant house due to the risk of vandalism.

Because of your mother's dementia, you may wish to call a family meeting with your other siblings to discuss her future care. Someone should have a power of attorney for your mother. It may take a lot of persuasion to convince her to do so. It could be you or your brother who hold the power of attorney. They would be the one assuming responsibility for your mother's finances and care.

A vacant house is a target for vandals. You need to have a special, very expensive, fire insurance policy on it. It would probably be better to sell it or try to rent it out. Due to her dementia, she would not be able to legally enter into a contract such as listing the house for sale .

I sympathize with you. My MIL is schizophrenic and has developed Alzheimers. Although DH and my SIL were in total agreement, MIL refused to co-operate. Because my SIL lives closer, we ended up obtaining a guardianship for her through the courts. That was expensive and requires obtaining bonds and having an attorney handle the matter.

I am so sorry for you and your family. I have had to deal with caring for an ill parent. My mother suffered with MS for over 20 years. My brother lived half way across the country and understood that someone had to take control and make sure everything was done. I never once had a problem with him questioning anything that I did in regards to caring for my mother, and her finances. He was not able to step up to the plate, and someone had to do it. The only suggestion I could make is to have a discussion with your brother and perhaps ask him if he is indeed willing to step up to the plate with your mother? It sounds like he isn't willing take responsibility for her daily care. Very hard decisions are having to be made and he has to understand that unless he thinks he can do a better job, he needs to let you handle things. Perhaps lay it on the line...be blunt and honest and just maybe he will be more willing to view the situation a little differently. Good Luck, and let us know how things go..

YES...someone needs to be given power of attorney! I'm assuming that y'all need to see a good lawyer!

When you have to take your mother to the doctor(which is all the time!) and other places...do you not NEED that vehicle to transport her places? I know my sister uses Mom's old car to drive her everywhere!

Thanks for your support..Just as added details..I do have a legal power of attorney for my mom...I told the sec of state taht when I went there and they told me what I needed to do as the title was in my dad's name..My brother who lives out of state, ironically a physician, has seen me and my parents maybe 15 times in 30 years..He has visited the other brother and just never told my parents he was around..He did not attend my dad's funeral and has called my mom 2 times in 3.5 months..I readily agree with the home being a target for vandalism. Another reson not to have an auto there.. We have alrady removed anything valuable from there tho we all know someone can just go in and wreck it..We visited it weekly or more to check on it, not my sibs..As far as stepping up to the plate-neither of my brother's ever have..My local brother's home is not "handicap" ready..It's a 2 story and my mom cannot maneuver steps, even if they are only 8 inches.. We have placed grab rails every, 8 foot rails in the hallway; our shower was made handicap accessible..she sleeps in our bedroom-we sleep wherever-floor, couch, basement- depending on who is "on call" for my mom's night time wake ups to the bathroom that she cannot do herself-our home is only a small 1100 sq foot ranch..
My brother thinks my mom should insure the car- 1000+ per year.
My mom is in the best environment she can be-physically and for the care she needs..My husband is an IMMENSE help- dresses her, helps her toilet, helps with showers; spends time with her,cooks, you name it..This would not occur at either brother's home..My out of state brother actually doesn't even live with his wife and family most of the time.. He works in another state and has for years..

Tell him you want to split the caretaker hours evenly. He takes her half of the week, you take her the other half. I bet he'll change his tune about the car. If not, at least you get a better break.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

I believe there are different types of Power of Attorney. I have one that is limited to medical care decisions for my grandson should he be hurt and his parents can't be reached. Make sure you have the right one.

The Alzheimers Association has lots of good information on how to care for and deal with your mother's dementia and can tell you where to find a lawyer who deals in problems like yours. I think you may need one. It's always good to know your options and to take the correct steps in the right order to make things work for you. A geriatric lawyer might smooth the way and help you to not do something you will regret later. Another thing the AA used to do, was provide a list of care givers who can come into your house for an hour or two to allow you a break once or twice a month. I'm not sure they still offer that, but it's worth a phone call.

I took care of my MIL for a few years until she became so bad that we had to put her in a nursing home.

My husband was an only child so there were no siblings to argue with, but her brother and sisters had a lot of thoughts on things. When she started getting bad, she was living 900 miles away, but in close proximity to her siblings. The one that was the most adamant that she stay put, we convinced to move in with her. That lasted less than a year and she cried uncle. And this was before she got really bad.

So tell you brother that since he wants to "help" by telling you how to do things, then he can have mom, regardless of whether his house is suitable. They can modify the house. Turn the living room into her bedroom, etc. Add a shower with a seat. I have lots of friends who have had to do all that to their houses to make them usable either for their older relatives or their own family members as they get older. The utter selfishness and unappreciativeness, (did I just make up a new word or just misspell it?), of some people is staggering. He shouldn't be questioning anything you do regarding cars, houses etc. unless he's willing to take on the other responsibilities. Of course you can approach him with more finesse than what I have said here, but when push comes to shove, these things are not his decisions unless he wants to take on the burden of care giving 24/7. When he's willing to do that, then he can have a vote. He can always suggest, but that's all he can do. You and your husband get final say. You need to make that clear to him.

And I agree with another suggestion, keep records of what you spend and whose money is buying it. Like I said, we didn't have to account to any siblings but since you do, you may need those receipts and records.

I know how hard this is and I wish you all well. Try to enjoy yours mom's lucid moments and try to find things that you can both laugh about. The worse my MIL's recent memory got, it seems the better her childhood memories got. When your mom is in a good mood and comfortable, ask her about her parents and what it was like when she was young. You may not get a response, but who knows, you might find out all sorts of things you never knew.

I think you are right about two POA's. Actually, one is Power of Attorney and the other is a financial power of attorney. At least that is what we had.
Sorry you are going through this, sounds like a repeat of my life last year, don't want to go into it, my blood pressure couldn't take it.

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so it's 2 am and I've been up twice with my mom already and can't go back tosleep; not uncommon. we were up 3-5 times a night the first 6 weeks she was here; she does this probalby 4 times a week now being up frequently versus 7 at the beginning; I just had a thought that maybe I will call my brother at night each time my mom gets up; yeah i'm irritated; I'm going to be tird in the morning for this meeting; it culd get ugly; I will really try to be "kind"

I so feel for you. Until you have actually lived it, it is so difficult to explain the emotional toll that caring for a sick parent takes on your day to day life. I am not sure how I would feel if I were in your shoes as far as your brother is concerned. Like I said earlier in my post, it was never an issue with me, because my brother lived so far away. I knew I would be the one who would have to take responsibility. We had no other family to offer assistance. After twenty years, I was at the end of my rope more than once. My health, my marriage and my relationship with my own children was forever altered by some of the choices that I made. I think one of the hardest parts for me was the emotional aspect of trying to do what I felt was right for my mother, and also try to be there for my own family. I am not so sure I did a very good job trying to do both, I often wonder if it is really possible to do both. I am hoping your meeting today with your brother goes well. Just know that we do care, and there are many of us that do understand (or at least we try)..

Janpacs and Tammy - I don't have any help to offer on this topic, but I wanted to say Thank You for bringing the caregiver issues up....all of us are likely to touch this in one way, shape, or form in our lives and it's good to be aware of the issues and concerns ahead of time.....other than that, I send my...

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

We just dealt with my DFILs affairs and the best advice I can give you is to get a lawyer. While you do pay a retainer and fees, we saved money because of the advice he gave us on how to pay things and where to put things.

The greatest thing was when anyone was questioning anything we did, we just told them to talk to the lawyer and that pretty much ended any debate.

Good luck, until you actually deal with the situation, you have no idea how hard it is.

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Update on the meeting. Ugly to say the least. First he demanded my husband to leave because my mom's trust has nothing to do with my husband-(the trust is in my maiden name (X) and not my husband's (Y); my husband did not leave; I was accused of stealing from the trust by using my mom's car when she wasn't in it. He plans to sue me..I have already emailed my lawyer..My brother will never be allowed in my home again..If I did "steal" from the trust, there was no intention on my part to do such a thing..I am only trying to do what is best for my mom and my family of which she is now a permanent part of.

OMG! You poor thing! Just know that this happens and that the best thing is to get your lawyer like you did! Obviously someone needs to be in charge now and you have to get a lawyer involved because someone has to make your mother's decisions for her. I cannot believe that your brother cannot see all you are doing and be grateful. All this over a stupid car! JEEZ! My gosh, when my sister wanted to buy my Mom's car I was like "OK whatever" one less thing I have to worry about and thank god I'm not having to take my Mom to the pot 5 times a night!

But anyway, the lawyer will get things spelled out and then no more BS from your brother!

Sending you many hugs and prayers,,

I can truly understand your situation as my family is going through most of the same,

May God give you the strengh you need....

Wow...I am sorry to hear it did not go well. It wouldn't surprise me if your brother backed down from the *I am going to sue you issue*. It doesn't sound like he has a leg to stand on, not to mention, when he has to actually pay a lawyer I bet he changes his tune real fast. I think it is a very wise idea to contact your lawyer. Your mother is living in your home, you are providing a place for her live, helping with her daily care, feeding and offering companionship. I don't think your brother is going to look very good standing up there in front of a judge...acting like a two year old who didn't get the biggest piece of candy. I know its easier said than done, but try not to let your brothers threats impact your daily life. Let the lawyer handle any communication with him. Just keep taking care of your mom, and enjoy the time you have with her....

Thank you all...If only you could all be my relatives instead..I wouldn't be so sad..

Just an update..We met with the lawyer who is in agreement we have done nothing wrong despite his accusations..She will be drafting a letter to each of my siblings .. My local brother came to pick up my mom Sunday..I chose not to be present..Another neighbor was there with my Husband so he didn't "start" anything..When he dropped her back off in the evening I had a friend over so he couldn't start anything..Coincidence or not, but today I had to do various phone calls for my mom, and my mom had to speak on the phone once for confirmation of who she was..Anyways she starts saying- "the boys say to not sign anything!!"..I din't want to get into it for her sake, but did ask if they said that recently and she said yes..Ironically, my brother who never calls, (only twice since 12/10) called my mom Sunday while she was at my other brother's home..I can't confirm they 're in cahoots, but it wouldn't surprise me..Could be my mom's memory is wrong due to her illness issues, but I just don't think so..My husband and I have been worried already before this that they could try and "tell" her things that are untrue or for their best interests..

Sounds like the *hit has hit the fan, so to speak. If you have POA then she shouldn't have to sign anything anyway. So that point is moot. And she shouldn't have to be verifying things on the phone. It might be easier all around if she doesn't have any knowledge of what you are doing because a very garbled and inaccurate version possibly will get back to your brothers and create even more problems. If there is a bank or someone else who needs verification, offer to fax them a copy of your POA and explain that because of her health your mom will not come to the phone. That's all they should require and chances are they won't even require that. It's good that you now have a lawyer. Any problems or questions can be directed to your attorney.

You are doing the best you can with what has been given you. That's all anyone can expect. I'm sure your mom, if she really knew and understood, would approve of what you are doing for her.

I feel for you - it is difficult dealing with the elderly when they get to where they can't care for themselves and then having to deal with family on top of that. I am in a similar situation right now, only it is my MIL. My SIL has been taking care of most of her needs lately and has started really griping about it, but when we offer to take her for a while, do things for/with her, SIL acts jealous and gets nasty. She has been taking care of most of MIL needs for the past 4-5 years and is starting to resent it. We have always offered to let MIL come and stay with us but she won't because she thinks we don't know that she smokes, so she won't stay for more than a day or so (ridiculous, I know). She forgets that we took care of her and FIL before he passed away for 11 years when she lived out of state.