The post of Just Need to Vent made me think dh family's scenario. Okay, two brothers; one goes to college and then graduate school, while the other stays local, and never goes to college. The one that went to college ends up moving over 400 miles away permanently, while the other brother stays close to his mother and father, and pretty much had to take care of his mother for 25 years after father passed away. By taking care of, I mean seeing nearly daily and helping with what she needed, but not taking her into his home. When the mother passes away, money was equally distributed between the two sons. The local son challenged the other son and put some figures together, claiming that he should get X amount more money for all those years of taking care of their mother.

I have mixed feelings about this. Just curious what others think.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I guess I think too much is probably made of the money situation. It could be said that the one who stayed home had the blessing of a close relationship with his parents that the other one didn't, and that was worth more than any material goods.

It could be that the parents weren't all that nice and drove the other son away and the relationship with the local son was co-dependent and not very healthy, and that the local son did things for them because he didn't have the confidence to forge a life for himself... and that it was lack of ambition that kept in by their side, not any great sense of love.

Who knows? This is one of those situations where I think it's often best if the money is just divided equally upon the death of the parents, and that if Mom wanted the local son to benefit more because of the things he did for them that she should have paid him along the way. For all anyone knows, she perhaps cooked supper for him every night and saved him a boatload on grocery bills, etc.

I guess I just don't have enough details to make a judgment. I just know that people often equate parental love with the percentage of the estate they end up with, and as far as we know, the son who made his life elsewhere didn't do anything *wrong*... he just didn't stay local. If the son who stayed local is now crying, "But I should get MORE because....!" then it makes me question his motivation in 'caring' for his parents all those years.

Most parents don't divide up their estates according to what child did what,most divide it evenly because thats how they loved their kids

I was the poster in the other area needing to vent.. I've thought of this often.. I am not money oriented..I don't have a big home; don't live in luxury; my furniture is 20+ years old; coupon fanatic; don't buy unless it's onsale; save for our kids college etc; I strongly believe in morals; good upbringing for the kids; honesty etc; but I do struggle with this concept; my one brother has never been around during my life; he's older than me; has not been respectful to my parents; has seen them only 15 times maybe in 30+ years; never attended my dad's funeral; did attend his friends/co workers funerals tho as he is an md an did "hospice" type stuff on the side; I am very angry that he will share in the wealth; it's an odd feeling for me; as far as I'm concerned he deserves nothing because that is what he gave my parents the last 35+ years; I lived with their disappointment of him my entire life; I witnessed their sadness; I've seen it and not him;unfortunately as they say; parents always love their kids no matter what andmy parents wouldn't believe it was appropriate to leave a child out of the will

There's 20 years between my mom and my aunt. My aunt has always lived with my Grandfather till the day he passed away at age 94. My Mom on the other hand and their stepbrother really didn't offer much in the care of my grandfather other than visiting, and what nots. None of them had bad feelings and they got along perfect with each other. When my Grandfather passed away he left money and oil wells to be divided between the 3 kids. My mom and uncle turned their share to my aunt. They also gave her the money my grandfather had left them. My Aunt took the money and applied it to a headstone for my grandfather. The plots were paid for 60 years before hand.
My mom and uncle both knew it was my aunt that did everything in the care for my grandfather. They didn't feel like it was fair to accept anything knowing she was the one that did it all. I was so impressed with all this, I just hope my kids will behave in the same manner should we pass away. To this day all 3 of them are just as close and they were before the death.

I have mixed feeling on this one. Having lived part of it...I helped care for my mother for almost 20 years (she had MS), my brother lived a long distance away and was unable to help with her care. When she passed, she really didn't have much, so it wasn't really an issue. My brother and I always communicated well when it came to my mothers care. I made most of the decisions, which was fine with him. When the decision had to be made about life support, my brother and I agreed. As far as any assets, she had a home, which was sold and the state of Maine took the proceeds. Although I was able to keep her in her own home for most of the the 20 years (with 24 hour care), the last few years she was in a nursing home. This allowed the State to step in and take gain control of what was left in her estate. So, money never became an issue. She did not have a will, but I was her power of attorney. I recently lost my brother and I have had to deal with many issues regarding his assets (or lack of). I have learned many lessons having to deal with all of this...make sure to have a will, and make sure you have a contingent named on your life insurance...oh yeah...make sure you don't owe the IRS any money. Seems like way too much to know at the age of 46..

I appreciate the input. I am not really directly involved in this scenario, but can sympathize with both sides. The one son was extremely loyal and pretty much available all those years. The other was certainly loyal too, visiting his mother and brother once or twice yearly, but he just wasn't available to help his mother out as much as his brother. On the one hand, you help your parents out because of love, not what's in for me?, but I can see where the local brother harbored resentment toward the brother that left. I actually think it was local brother's wife who may have instigated the whole thing about the extra money. I'm certain that she was a driving force in the whole matter.

Anyway, the brother that moved did end up giving money to his brother. In the beginning, he gave him payments (mainly to be a pain I suspect), then after awhile was asked to "settle up", so I believe he gave him a final payment. I have no idea how much money he was asked for, but it could have been as high as $20,000. The brothers still have a decent relationship, but I do think there is a big wedge in their feelings toward each other.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I think it should be up to the person who passed away to decide how they want stuff divided. My grandmother, who is 87, has been giving stuff away left and right to who she wants to now so her 8 kids don't fight over it when she passes. My grandfather passed away in June of last year and my family was argueing over his stuff. You shouldn't take care of someone just because you think you'll get something out of it in the end. People should take care of the ones that they love just because.

We were the ones who stayed and had the care of in-laws. Let me tell you, it wasn't an honor of any kind. My DH did it out of loyalty.

His DB who only came a few times to visit his dad while he was dying and a granddaughter who was favored split the money 3 ways with my DH. Yes there is resentment because my DH had the full time care of his father at the end and had to do all the work and got all the grief his father could dish out while the others walked away with an equal share. I guess I should mention that he had 5 other grandchildren that didn't get a dime. This granddaughter also had her college education funded by DFIL which we didn't find out about until after his death. This was the same granddaughter who couldn't be bothered to come and visit her DGF, but was front and center at the funeral crying and carrying on. While the grandson who stayed with him while he died and even had to call the death, didn't get a dime.

Can you tell I am still a little bitter????

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Well, my Mom has given about 100,000 to my brother to help bail him out of situations due to his mental health issues. He did get help and he is doing better. Originally, she was going to adjust her will so that he got a bit less than the rest of us, but she's later told me that she's going to divide it evenly.

My sister is pretty angry about it. Of the six kids in my family, that sister and I have contributed the most to my mother's care since my Dad died 7 years ago.

I figure it's my Mom's money to spend or give in a will as she pleases. I haven't assisted her in hopes of financial reward, or recovering whatever I've spent on her.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

Of my grandmother's three children, two are living. The one who is deceased had three kids. Her intention was to divide her estate equally between each child, so consequently, she divided the deceased child's portion equally among her three children.

Of those three grandchildren, one had borrowed $25,000 and never paid it back. Their portion would have been $35K each. Before her death, she told him, when it became evident that he would not pay it back, that he could consider it an advance on his inheritance and not to worry about paying it back prior to then if that was what he preferred to do. She said she'd be glad to let him be free and clear of the debt and just know that when she was gone that his portion would reflect that he had taken his inheritance early.

I really appreciated that she did that, not so much for me, but for his two siblings. Nobody harbors any resentment because we all know that ultimately, she made things 'even'. Not all of us were able to visit her as much as others - some live far away, some have jobs that make it difficult for them to get away and of course they have in-laws to visit in other places when they do have time off. The children of the deceased sibling couldn't help it that their parent wasn't around to help with their grandmother's care like my parent and aunt were.

I hope I can remember to be so equitable when the time comes!

I would just like to clarify my comments above as to why I am angry a brother is dividing evenly who has never been around..It's really his disrespect of my parents that has gotten me.I have seen how his behavior has saddened and angered my parents all my life and how it has affected the family...Maybe there were reasons he couldn't be there for whatever reasons..But the disrespect is another story..That is not justifiable...And I agree that caring for a parent is not about a monetary return..I care for my mother because she is my mother, my family and we all love her and want to help her enjoy any time she has left..

Do you know why your brother has been so angry at your parents all these years?

My brother is 15 years older than me..I've seen him maybe 15 times in 35 years..I don't see him as my "brother"..There has always been an overtone that something "happenened" around the time I was born, that would not have been a big deal now..I'm not sure what that was..He will also bring up the fact to this day angrily that my parents sold his dog when he went to camp..My parents don't remember this at all...So who really knows..Interestingly, I spoke with his third wife for the first time-trying to get his ph number as he works out of state from his family and has for 11 years..She was so pitiful...I wasn't probing at all, but she talked about how mean he was to her..I really felt she was a verbally abused woman after I got done..Sad..He's got his issues from somewhere..