Your 10 year old child calls from a friend's house and asks permission to go to the mall with the friend and friend's mom. You agree, and you drive over to give your child a $20.00 bill. (For the sake of argument, this amount of money is very rarely at your child's disposal at once). You remind your child in front of the mom (a nice mom, but not one of your closer friends) that this is a generous amount.

Then the mom takes your child and her own child shopping, and somehow your child comes home with $30.00 worth of merchandise... TEN more than what you had given out...(you see the receipts...your child admits they spent above and beyond what you had given your child).

You have a long talk with your child about expectations for future spending sprees (one you may be should have had before, but you didn't expect this mall thing to come up).

Question: are you also a little miffed at the mom? If so, how do you handle it? Do you refund the mom the $10? Do you have your child do it? Are you grateful, or are you feeling a little undermined? Do you confront the mom, and if so, how?

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I would talk to the mom and explain that you don't normally give your 10 yr old money to spend and she needs to learn to spend only what is given or less. I would return all the stuff and return the extra money to the mom with the above explanation after talking to the kid.

I would have the child write the mom a nice thank you note for being so generous and buying her a gift.

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Reading is Fundamental.

You have to decide if you are going to stick to your principles or if this was just a nice gesture on the other mom's part. Was it one item, as in something your child really wanted so the other mom "helped" or was it several in which your child could have stopped at $20?

She didn't have to do so and I would think it was kindness. Last fall we gave each of my nieces $20 and took them to Target. Told them if they lost the $, it was gone. One secured it in her purse (age 10) and the other pushed it as far as possible into her pocket (age 7).

It was a hoot watching them decide how to spend the money and what was worthwhile to them. Imagine the look on the 7 year old's face when, with tax, hers came to exactly $20 !!!!

I think I'd discuss it with the child and reinforce how budgets work and as long as you are sure it was just a nice gesture on the mom's part, have the child send her a little thank you note via snail mail.

dl

Next time remind your child they are on a budget of $20 or whatever amount you give them. Although the Mom should have helped the child pick out an item within the childs budget. I am thinking she may have wanted to give the child a treat. I know for myself there are times I will treat my little shopping guests. Since I invite them I like to buy them a toy or something.

I like Maries idea of returning the purchase and refunding the Mom because this lets the child know that they MUST only spend within their budget. Excellent learning experience there.
Keep us posted of the outcome...

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Paula
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I agree. I would treat this as a gift from the other parent. In addition to this, I would talk with my child that "next time" (if there is a next time), they are NOT to spend above and beyond the amount given.

I know my mom has paid for things above and beyond what my friends had when I was a kid. She figured that she invited them so she could either say "no" or give them a few bucks.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

That happened to me once with the circus. My kids went with a neighbor and their kids. I paid for their tickets and gave them each an appropriate amount of money. Keep in mind, had they gone with us, there would be no souveniers. I gave them an amount (can't remember now how much) in front of the neighbor and told them that is what they could spend. This neighbor was/is very indulgent of their kids. My kids came home with more souveniers than I had sent money for. I told them thanks for taking my kids and I did not reimburse. They knew how much my kids had to spend before they left and they chose to go over it. That was their choice and not my wishes.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

devinmom - please don't be miffed at me. I'm often guilty of spending a little more when we've invited someone to go with us somewhere. Now, the boys don't usually go shopping , but for most everything else, I seldom let the child use any of his/her own money.....

I would look at it as an act of kindness.....and I think returning the items to repay might make the mom feel awful if she had chipped in to get a little extra. Maybe just talk to her about your expectations for the next time?

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

First talk with the child and stress the importance of a budget and not getting into debt. then make the child earn back to you the extra money.
I would repay the mother. In the future if the child goes with any other adult with money make the comment that this all your to spend none over.
Ipersonally try to respect the parents wishes regarding money but I have been known to pitch in extra money to cover taxes.

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Laura
Please visit my blog
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I agree. The mom was probably just being nice. I often pay for things when I have another child with me. I'd be hurt if you returned the money to me. If you've already discuss good money management with your child, I'd let the whole thing go at this point.

Thank you so much for the input!

I'm just glad to hear different responses/approaches. I was both touched and annoyed at the same time (with the other mom), until I got to read other perspectives.

DD and I did have a talk. I'm sort of glad this came up, because we were able to discuss living within our means, impulse buying, etc. I also explained our position against accepting financial assistance from others, in general.

I can better understand the mom's generosity after reading your posts. I'm taking it as such, and decided not to reimburse her, etc.

I didn't mind that she paid for lunch, ice cream, and a little necklace from Claire's that she bought the girls that had the 'be fri' and 'st ends.' To me, that was very generous, but appropriate.

It just seemed a little over the top that there was financial 'backing' on my DD's items. If these girls have another get-together, and they want to go to the mall, I will be very clear with the mom that DD can only spend what she's got. And I'll restate it with DD, as well. However, I don't think I'll be saying yes to another spree too soon. The park, the pool, bowling - those are more our speed for now...

She has now written a very nice 'Thank You' that will be going out in the mail tomorrow.

Thanks again!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I would ask my DD if the mom offered, or if my DD asked?? I would not be happy if my DD had asked for the Mom to "loan" her the extra money or somehow help out.

I think it's commendable of you to be in tune and concerned with the situation, btw

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

You gave your child $20 to go to the mall. The other mom pitched in her own money to buy something for your daughter. I don't see the harm in that. Your daughter didn't go over HER budget. Tell your daughter that it was very thoughtful of your friend's mom to buy her something. Have your daughter write her a thank you note expressing her thanks for taking her time to take them to the mall and buying her a special gift. (Something she didn't have to do but she did).

OP, when my boys were growing up and one (or two) of their friends would go with us somewhere, they could spend the money they had, but I considered it "my treat" to buy them something also. I think you would offend the mom who was considerate enough to take the time to take your daughter and her daughter to the mall.

Good point...

And thanks, AIA for the compliment.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

'Confront' the mom? I think that's a very strong word in regards to an act of kindness! Whether your child asked or it was offered, the woman gave your child a nice gift. Either way, she hasn't done anything wrong. I can't imagine why you feel miffed, annoyed, and undermined but I think you're really overeacting. Regardless of what prompted her kindness, it was a kindness and there's no reason to blame her for her generosity. ???

It seems like a nice gesture to me and I'd be pleased that my child found a friend with nice parents. I would speak with my child about overspending and stress that under no circumstances, was she to ask another parent for money or to imply in any way that she wanted something she couldn't afford.

You've talked to your child, she's written a thank you note, and unless she asked for the money, it was just a gift and it was a nice one. I'd talk to my daughter and find out if she asked for the money or somehow, let it be known that she didn't have enough to buy what she wanted.

If she did, I'd have her use her allowance or earn money to buy the mother a gift card to a store and have her mail it to her, along with another note reiterating how much fun she had on the outing. If she didn't, I'd just be grateful that my daughter had a friend with such a nice mother and would return the favor when entertaining her child.

I don't know if my definition of "confront" is the same as yours...confront, to me, means to bring up an awkward subject (which money can be). Maybe I should have said "address the situation with her."

There was no "overraction," because all I did was post on a message board for opinions, talk to my daughter about spending and other people's money, and had DD write the mom a nice thank you note, which she was happy to do.

I'm glad to have gotten the input I did here, because it made me decide that addressing the mom with my concerns with this particular incident was not in order. And, like I said, I'm sort of glad it even happened. For us, lesson learned, and all's well that ends well...

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

Well, I suppose it could mean that if there's an issue. When I think of the word 'confront', I usually think of a challenge. Confrontation usually implies some type of conflict and I couldn't understand why you'd want to 'confront' someone who had simply done a kindness. It seemed a bit extreme, under the circumstances that you described. Oh, sematics!

I'm glad it all worked out so well. It sounds to me like the excursion was a good opportunity for your your daughter to learn and have fun too!

That's me too. I didn't ever think of it as something wrong. I thought of it as buying the child a gift. I usually buy children that go places with me a gift simply because I see them so rarely.
I had not thought about it in the way Devinmom put it.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I think, unless the mom comes to you asking for $$, I would let this one go, and just thank her for her generosity the next time you see her. I am sure your child was not throwing herself on the floor in a temper-tantrum to get the extra $. For whatever reason, the other mom was feeling generous, and probably just having a great time w/ the kids. We are pretty cheap ourselves, but have the most generous friends, beyond belief. We reciprocate when we can, at any level we can-our house has been the stomping grounds of teenagers for more years than I can remember. None of the kids knock and the dog doesn't even bark, and they eat all my food-luckily they are good kids. After all of this, it still falls short of what the other families have done for my kids. But yet, they still keep inviting my kids to lunch, to play golf, go to a Yankee vs. Redsox game in NYC, staying at the Helmsley-Carlton, buying ice cream from the annoying guy w/ the way loud music, expensive dinners out, taking them boating, taking them tubing, etc. It humbles me, I don't expext any of it, but appreciate all of it. And I know that our generous friends do not expect anything in return. They do it because they want to.

We are the family that is always taking the other kids with us. Example - last night, I took my DS and his friend to the mall - bought them both some Chaos cards, Icees, and soft pretzels. Then, we went to the Movie Tavern - saw Up and bought dinner and a candy. DS' friends are always with us - going to the lake house with us - boating, tubing, fishing, nice dinners, movies, water parks, etc. I am happy to do it and wouldn't ever expect money back. Actually, (usually) if the kids bring their money, I still pay and send them home with their money. We see them as our guests.

devinmom - I would just take it as a nice gesture and not worry about it.

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Kim