My friend, we'll call her Sue, and I are not close like we used to be. We had an extremely close friendship for about 10 years. It, however, was pretty disfunctional. I was a follower and she was the leader; but I was in a bad marriage at the time, and she's the type of person I gravitated towards. Through the years, however, she drained the life out of me and I came to a point where I had to learn how to stand and on my own.

David, my husband of two years now, can't stand her because of how needy she was when he and I first got together--calling me crying, threatening to kill herself, making demands, treating me like ****, etc. When she found out, two years ago, that another friend was going to be a reader in my wedding--and she didn't have a part in it--she flipped out. Now, at the time of the wedding, she was involved with a married man and the only time I ever heard from her was when she was unhappy and he was beating the crap out of her!

She wrote many emails slamming me--said she never wanted to talk to me again, that I was a horrible person, and on and on. She didn't attend my shower or my wedding. She stacked my class with horrible kids. She ignored me at school. Anyway, since that time, I have been friendly to her. We talked occasionally, laughed a bit...but the closeness is not there. We have not done anything together socially in two years. I guess I started to see her as what she really is...as user and a control freak.

To make a long story short, it's been hard pulling away from her, but I've done a pretty good job. I have learned from some incredible close friends what being a friend really means. And...her absence in my life has been great for David and I.

Okay, here comes the problem. Another friend, Amy, and I have planned a party for this week, and it's at Amy's house. We sent out invitations, and Sue was not invited. Well, somehow a mutual friend told her about the party and even showed her the invitiation and gave her the details. She was very upset and angry that she was not invited. She sent me several texts about it, and finally I called her. I told her that I was tired of playing a dance with her and still had a hard time getting past all the horrible and mean things she said to me. She acted like she had no clue what I was talking about.

The conversations was good because I got a lot of things out and told her that I didn't know where I stood with her. I went on to add that sometimes she treats me like I'm a friend and other times she either ignores me or talks to me like I'm dirt. I added that sometimes I'm ever scared of her. I went on to say that if she wanted to be friends, I needed her to treat me like one...consistantly.

Okay. Now I'm feeling bad that we didn't invite her. Amy was the one who said, "F... NO!" when I asked her if she wanted to include Sue in the beginning. What do I do? Tell Amy that I want to invite Sue because I don't want Sue to be hurt...and because I don't want to get the cold shoulder another year--she is one of my bosses? What would you do?

THANKS!

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Personally I would think that if the party is at Amy's house, and Amy doesn't want Sue there, then Sue doesn't get invited to the party.

You told Sue "if she wanted to be friends, I needed her to treat me like one...consistantly." Give her a chance to prove she can do this from a safe distance before you try to be real friends with her again. I'd bet it never happens.

JMTCW,

Renee

Don't feel bad that you didn't invite her. You definitely have just cause for not doing so. Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you. You want to move forward, not back. I'm only going by what you say, but it sounds like she wasn't a true friend. She sucked the life out of you, your husband doesn't think she's good for you, she said mean things about you behind your back...the list goes on. Also, the party isn't being held at your house, it's at Amy's...and Amy doesn't want her to be there. I wouldn't do something I didn't want to do just because she's one of your bosses. If she is doing things to make your job difficult, there must be someone higher up that you can take this up with. Don't let her make your life at work miserable! You are doing the right thing by keeping your distance...you don't want to go there again with her. Trust me...I've been in this situation. Some people just never change. Just my two cents. ~Lisa

I think what you have done is what I would do. I had a toxic friend who I gave up our friendship on and she tried to re-start it and then she overstepped her bounds and we do not talk at all its been 6 glorious years of her not trying to involve herself in every part of my life and I am happy with it.

You are nto responsible for Amy not inviting Sue to her party, its not your place or your party she needs to get over it and try to be a friend like you have asked and if not too bad too sad.

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Ditto!! As far as her being your boss, and stacking your class with "bad" kids......how is she able to do this? Just wondering. I thought classes were all sprinkled with a little good and bad? I would seek mediation from the School Board or whoever and bring all your ammo with you.

I'm sure she treats everyone like this. Although, I had a very caustic so called friend, and she constantly had an entourage around her. It really amazed me how a person so caustic could have friends.....

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

If it were me I would NOT ever invite her to anything again. She sounds needy, selfish, and clueless. Who needs someone like that around? Don't pick who you surround with out of pity. Pick out of respect, mutual values, and a true liking of the person and the enjoyment you experience in the presence of the person.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

If she is your boss, I would think that you should have always had a certain line that you both should not have crossed. You should certainly be friendly, but she should have been involved in only a little bit of your life as it pertains to your job.

She sounds like a toxic person. She has already let this affect your classroom. She has shown you how she truely is through her past actions. I would take a big step away from the "friend" thing. The fact that she doesn't care if children are hurt by it either strikes me as poor. There are always some children who are harder to interact with than others, and a good administrator would try to balance the classrooms. A poor balance affects both the easier going and the harder children in a negative way.

Even if you can keep the boss/employee relationship on the right balance, she has shown you that she can not.

Just because a friend has a party, I would not automatically expect to be invited to it.

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Donna

OP, sounds like a 'friend' I used to have!! Maybe she gravitated to you.

Having been in your place, I would NOT invite her to this party. She's just playing her little games like she always has. I wouldn't call her. You owe her no explanation, no apologies, nothing!!

I got rid of a 'friend' like this probably about 8 years ago. One of the best decisions in my life. She was totally draining the life out of me, always wanting a drama about something and everything had to go her way. Just a mean-spirited hateful spiteful person. And she's still that way today.

Think of it this way -- Is your life better off without her? I think you know the answer to that question.

Don't let her guilt you into inviting her. Sounds like she's still at her same old tricks.

Contact your union, read ED. code. You have protection.

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All we are and all we see is but a dream in a dream, All that you see or seem, is but a dream within a dream--Edgar Allan Poe

Thanks so much for your advice! Everyone has been right on target with this. However, Amy just called me and said she sent Sue an e-mail inviting her--I had told Amy about what was going on. Amy said she attached a note, however, that said something like, "I hear you are interested in joining our party on Friday. It's been five years since you've done something like this with us, but we are happy to include you if you would like to come." She said she's putting it all on Sue. We'll see how it goes. I just want to be strong and not let her pull me back in. She is a big bully, and it sort of makes me sad that she, once again, is pulling her weight. I'm hoping she'll see that I've grown a lot since our friendship ended, and I'm not letting it get back to where it was. Amy said that if Sue gets mean or hateful, she's going to ask her to leave...and I know she means it. I just hope that I can be the same confident Marilou when she is around. This is probably a growth test for me...and a real lesson for her. Thanks again, gals.

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Our school has a "no bully" policy. I wish it applied to the staff as well in your case I wouldn't let her back into my life if I were you. Great advise given already...good luck

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wouldnt have called her back. Amy didnt want her there in her home. you dont need her in your life, and your husband and friends have mentioned it to you. let her go find others to torment and you let yourself be happy :-)

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You called her? What for? You opened this can of worms. Things were relatively peaceful. Do you enjoy the upheaval she causes you? If someone makes you unhappy, it's very simple. AVOID THEM as much as possible. Don't call, don't write little notes, don't send emails, don't get together. Just do what you need to do at work to keep peace there and once you walk out the door at work, Sue no longer exists. If she calls you, be polite, but get off the phone really quickly. Tell her there's a pot boiling over on the stove and you have to hang up. Don't offer to call her back. If she writes or emails you, ignore it. Keep doing this and she will give it up eventually.

BTW, I just noticed you refer to her as your friend. This woman is not your friend. Never was, never will be. You need to find a new definition for "friend".

If I were you, I'd make a little agreement with Amy.

It sounds like you already gave Amy a bit of the background history of you and Sue. Maybe you can have a little code between you and Amy - that Amy can "bail you out" if Sue comes too close, tries to corner you, tries to talk w/you alone, etc.

I think enlisting Amy's help for moral support in the event of an uncomfortable situation would be good. Otherwise, enjoy yourself, smile at Sue, but stay away.

Reread the last sentence of the 4th paragraph of your original post. Remind yourself of this simple fact from time to time.

It seems several of us have had "Sue" in our lives, too! Boy - she's gotten around...We've all "divorced" ourselves of Sue, and none of us regret it! So follow your own instincts, remind yourself of your great relationship w/your DH, and keep away from runaround Sue...

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

No, I didn't call her. I just let it be, but I had talked to Amy about it. (This is getting even confusing to me since I'm not using their real names!!) Amy knows all about Sue because the three of us used to be friends...I, however, was a lot closer to Sue. Bottom line--Amy, since it is her place, has told her to come if she wants to. She probably won't...she just wanted to be invited and stir stuff up. I'm not worried about it. This all was a blessing--I'm glad she found out about the party because it gave me a chance to speak my peace...whether she really heard me or not. And, then...Amy made the next move. Yes, she's out of my life...Friday will be filled with great friends who love me and know that having her out of my life has been the best thing for me. I'm not going back there! Thanks again.

__________________
If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

You did or you didnt call her, I'm reading that as you kept getting texts from Sue so you called her.

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It's confusing to me too because you said you DID call her!

YES...I'm SO sorry that I misunderstood. YESSSS...I did call her after she texted me. AND I AM SO GLAD I DID! I finally, after two years, was able to tell her how much all the horrible things she had said to me had upset me. I was able to ask, "Why would you expect me to invite you when you said you never wanted to speak to me again...when you called me names...etc." I finally, after all that time of trying to just avoid her because I was afraid of her, I was able to let her know that she put herself in this situation...the situation of people not wanting to be around her! After that was when I felt bad. Please let me clarify:

1. She found out that we were having the party.
2. She texted me .
3. I texted her back and said, "I'm calling you. Answer the phone. It's time we talk." We had been "dancing" for two years--me afraid to said anything because I thought it was going to make matter worse at school. Somedays she would be nice to me...other times she ignored me, talked to me rudely, etc...
4. After the call, I talked to Amy and told her what happened. Amy said, "Great. I'm glad you finally did that." But, I was feeling bad that Sue had found out, that she was mad and hurt, etc... That's just me...unfortunately.
5. Amy sent Sue an email saying, "I have gotten word that you are interested in coming to our party. You haven't done anything with us in five years, but if you want to come now, we would be happy to have you." (Or something like that."

I misunderstood someone's response. I thought someone was saying I called her a second time. After she texted, YES, I DID CALL HER. And, I (like I said before) am so glad I did. It was hard talking to her about it (I hate conflict and I'm always so intimidated by her), but it was high time. I told her exactly how she treats me...hoping that it would make her understand why she's not included anymore.

Does that help? Sorry that I got confused. For a writer, sometimes I don't make a lot of sense, I guess! HA HA
Thanks again for all of the responses.

BTW....No, I do not enjoy the upheaval it causes. I did not open a can of worms. I finally got the balls to say something.

__________________
If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Since you have had some distance for 2 years I think I would keep it the way it is. There is no reason to get back involved with her. Be kind and thoughtful but keep your distance.

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